And now, my friends, some rather poignant and touching love notes.
Oh dear, I'm sorry - did I say "love notes?" I meant IRATE AND SARCASTIC LETTERS.
Dear travelers of the world,
THAT. IS NOT. CARRY ON LUGGAGE. I just piad $25 to check mine, you can pay to check yours. You can't even lift that shit up to the overhead compartment! Who are you trying to fool?
P.S. (Virgin America heard my cries and totally gave me a $25 credit. They win.)
Dear Angelina Jolie,
The only people who should be wearing white satin are knights (get it?) - and there is absolutely no one who should have arms as skinny as yours. You have, like, 35 kids. How do you lift them without fracturing your scapula?
P.S. (Even with a cane, your husband is totally hot.)
Dear Ricky Gervais,
You wimp. WTF?
Dear MY BLADDER,
OMG, when did I turn into a 90 year old? I think I have peed 18 times today. And let's be honest, I don't give you that much to work with. My office-mates and I would very much appreciate a reprieve. I am tired of getting up every 30 minutes. I suspect a plot against us is in the works so let's get it together.
Dear San Francisco,
I miss you. And you have made me miss New York. And subsequently, my best friend in New York. What city would you recommend I visit next?
You are the most adorable dog in the history of dog-dome. I absolutely LOVED The Artist but you just stole the show. I am rushing home tonight to watch your tricks on today's Ellen via my Tivo.
I wish there was an Academy Award for animal appearances. I suspect we would very much enjoy your speech.