And that's not even link-bait, you guys, cause this post really is about lube and blow jobs.
Now, before anyone I am related to has a heart attack, this post is not actually written by or about me. But when a fellow blogger needed a home for these deepest-of-thoughts, I could not turn my back on her. Nay, I opened my very blog to her soul.
In other words, she's hilarious and this post is awesome and it's really a shame I can't tell you where her blog is at so you can go be a fan of it.
There’s a lot people don’t tell you about quitting smoking. Everyone seems to focus on the positive, you’ll live longer! Yay! This is a good thing, assuming you make it through the quitting process without stabbing someone and landing in jail. Who wants to live longer if it’s in lockup? But there are other, decidedly less glamorous, truths about quitting smoking. Did you know that you’ll cough up some of the most disgusting things you’ve ever seen? It’s lovely.
I personally used the patch to help me quit while remaining somewhat sane. That, combined with eating everything in sight, has worked well for me. The downside to the patch is that, when removed, it leaves a square of stickiness that fuzz and other stuff will stick too. You can scrub yourself raw, but no amount of loofah action will get that stickiness off. I was getting sick of these squares all over my body (and they are all over, because you can’t put the patch in the same place two days in a row, you have to keep moving it) and I turned to my friend the PhD for help. Her PhD is in molecular biology, but she’s still my go to on any and all issues vaguely related to health or science. Lucky her. At any rate, she suggested baby oil. I don’t have a baby, so I also don’t have baby oil, and I was too lazy to go to the store.
“Will lube work?” I asked. She said it probably would, assuming it’s oil based, not water.
The moral of the story is that, in a pinch, you can substitute Trojan lube (the one in the purple bottle) for Goo Gone or baby oil. Don’t mind the warming sensation, it’s supposed to do that. And speaking of lube, Valentine’s Day is coming up. While February 14 is for the women folk, March 14 is known as “Steak and BJ Day”, presumably to reward men for putting up with all the crap associated with Valentine’s Day. If you ask me, Steak and BJ Day sounds worlds better than Valentine’s Day. I’m single this year, and resent the assumption that all women long for sappy romantic Valentine’s Days, and that all single women will sit at home filling the hole in their lives with ice cream. Not this lady.
I hate getting flowers, because they die and then I have to deal with throwing them away. I also hate the gamble chocolates, because there is nothing worse than accidentally biting into that gross toothpaste one. But I love a good steak dinner, and I don’t even hate blow jobs as much as some women do. Although, I don’t want to give the impression that I’m all that easy going and giving. I guess in a perfect world, I’d want to celebrate Steak, Cake, and Wild Sex Day. And in a really perfect world, we’d be done with all three of those in time to watch Sports Center and go to bed early. Maybe there would be some leftover cake to eat in bed while we watch Sports Center. Or maybe my date leaves so I can sleep alone and hog the covers without guilt.
Back to AJ (me!) -- I made graphics to go with this post. Also, I cannot wait to see what kinds of ads pop up on Google, Facebook and in my sidebar now. You're welcome, everbody.