I want you all to know I wrote the headline of this post about 19 times before I finally gave up. So that said, please just ignore whatever it's called. Know that I hate it but didn't want to title it "untitled." I just couldn't figure out how to articulate what I wanted to write about in a few words.
And I'm not really writing because I got dumped - which I didn't - or because I think we made the wrong decision - we didn't. But I've found in just the last couple of days, even though we broke up a while ago, that I'm really sad about it. There's this little cliched rain cloud following me around.
It's just so foreign to me to feel this way. Do I miss him? I don't know. Do I miss the idea of him? Maybe. The truth is, we were doomed before we started and maybe I should have thrown in the towel sooner. Maybe I did the wrong thing even sooner than I realize. Maybe I should have been tougher or firmer. Or softer and more in touch with my emotions. I am going to make myself crazy thinking about this for a while, I'm sure.
The truth is, I just handled the whole thing terribly. The start, the middle and the end. And I think, ultimately, that is what is making me sad. That's the cloud. It's the guilt and knowing that I have no one to blame but myself. When you see something coming and you let it happen anyway, isn't that the basic truth? Blame yourself?
I have a birthday next week and it's making me sick to my stomach. The hazy loom of a day that inevitably reminds me I've aged another year without accomplishing a myriad of things I thought I'd do by now.
I'm going to read this entry back over later and hate its melodrama and consider deleting it but I promised myself I'd get back to this being a more personal blog so you're just going to have to bear with me for a moment while I get this off my chest. And I hope you understand that in doing so, I'm only trying to free myself of it and move on. Not be a martyr.