AJ reaches for a bottle of vodka...
Friends, I've been having a tough time of it lately. I really have. I've been doing that thing where you scrutinize every past relationship and try to remember how or why things ended and if you perhaps jumped the gun and should have stuck it out. You know, that time in your life when you dwell on "what if I already met my soul mate and sent him packing?"
What if I didn't fight hard enough to keep something I let go?
In any case, let's not let this post get us down; let it inspire us and make us laugh. As my heart continues to get trampled on, I would like to offer some advice - five great tips - to the would-be dumpers of the world.
1. First of all, DUMP ME. I mean, ACTUALLY DUMP ME. Because just not calling me ever again is a douche move. I'm a grown up, I can take it. Grow a pair and pick up the phone. Text me. Facebook me. There are about 92 ways to reach me and any of them bring me far more closure than an unexplained disappearance.
2. Please don't say "don't cry." You're dumping me. I'm gonna cry. I won't even elaborate on this tip.
3. The friends thing. "Can we still be friends?" I don't know. Personally, my answer is "No, you've seen me naked and my guy friends do not get that privilege." What is the right answer here? Whatever the dumpee wants. They're the one being dumped. You don't get to make this easier on yourself by alleviating some of the guilt with a phony desire to be besties post break-up.
4. If you think you don't have to give a reason, you're being awfully naive. There's no reason to be cruel but you've gotta offer up something. Cliches suck and I don't wanna hear 'em. This includes "it's not you, it's me," "it just wasn't meant to be," and "I can't give you what you need."
5. I'm not looking for a novel here. While I'm all for breaking up with someone in person, it doesn't need to be in idyllic setting, over dinner, or, frankly, in public at all. Because I'm going to cry (see above) and use curse words.
The problem is, if we've been out on more than one date, it means I like you. And if I like you, it means I think that basically, you're a nice person. And therefore, if you're a nice person, dumping me is gonna hurt. I get it. I've certainly used "this hurts me more than it hurts you" before and meant it. But this disappearing shit, this lack of closure? It's gotta stop. It's ruining my ability to have relationships, like, at all.
And I'm really hoping that maybe by age 40, I'll finally be a fully functioning adult. You gotta have goals!