In some instances I can actually be kind of a prude. But I think I make up for this with a total lack of judgement on other occasions. You're welcome. America.
What can I say, sometimes you just gotta strap on the ol' Bad Idea Jeans and get going!
And so we must talk a bit about drunk bitches in public places.
Seriously, people. They are taking over my concerts.
Take these intoxicated broads. Not even clapping to the beat, mind you, and basically falling all over each other. Sitting in laps and in the wrong spots... HOT. MESS. Yes, I am judging and walking a fine bitchy line -- don't care. They worked hard to earn my scorn so I'm giving it to 'em!
And I was thus inspired to bring to you a list of concert etiquette tips. As an avid concert goer and a music publicist (I guess that's what I am these days), I feel well equipped to send this out into the world.
1. So yeah, basically? DO NOT GET DRUNK. Just don't. Are you really enjoying the concert when you can barely stand up? Why do people do this to themselves? And why spend as much money as venues charge for alcohol? I mean, at the very least, do the respectful thing and smuggle in a flask. Enjoy a nice buzz and enjoy some sweet, sweet live tunes. Concert tickets are expensive. You're not getting your money's worth if you spend the whole show worried about where your next beer is coming from.
2. One-hitters. Mini pipes. Whatever they're called -- WTF, people? I'm not even talking about pot. I've accepted this is a part of life now. People get high at concerts. I just prefer they refrain from doing it in my face. But I see a ton of these little one-hitter pipes with strawberry scented smoke... I don't know what these are. And I don't know why a mom and a dad need to share one with their fifteen year old or why you can't go three hours, let alone three minutes, without using one. Go away. If I have to use my inhaler at a concert cause you need your strawberry hookah fix, we're gonna have words.
3. The standing up laws of shows. Are you the only one standing in your section? Stop being an asshat and sit down. You wanna dance, I get it, and I wish I had your energy, but let's not ruin it for the rest of the group. You paid good money for your right to enjoy the show? Well so did I. Just embrace it. I'm a cranky old lady and I will throw something at you.
4. Do you pee a lot? Need a snack every 30 minutes? Plan ahead. Get an aisle seat. And don't patronize me by apologizing every. single. time. It's so annoying. You're sorry? Then stop stepping on my toes!
5. Very simple: minimize your posters. I love your crafty enthusiasm but not when it obstructs my view.
6. PUT THE PHONE DOWN. Not the whole time. Snap a few pics for Instagram, take that video of your favorite song. But why did you pay $100 for your ticket only to watch the whole show through your Samsung Galaxy IV? And what are you doing with that video? Are you rushing home to watch it? Reliving it the next day? I'm cofnused about this. Do you need it to brag to someone you were there? Show them your ticket stub. Buy a program. You're being ridiculous.
7. And along that line, your Words With Friends turn can wait 45 minutes. Stoppit. This rule is probably universally true in life, not just at concerts.
8. Shouting out "I LOVE YOU!!!!!" and "MARRY ME!!!!" is stupidity to me but doing it multiple times is just irritating. And stop with the song requests. They can't hear you and they're not asking. You're probably doing this because you're hammered in which case I beseech you to refer to rule 1.
9. This is not an American Idol audition. You are not going to be discovered. This is not your show. Calm down and stop waving your Mariah Carey hand in my face.
10. Are you having a conversation about carpool and the latest store to open in the mall? That's lovely but take it to Starbucks, girls. Ain't nobody got time for that here.