CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

Adventure Day!

On Monday, I had me some adventure.

Well, as much as you can have when you live in Los Angeles and you are bound to car-travel only in a less-than-24-hour time period. 

So I guess what we have here is a mini-venture. 

In any case, I agreed with two friends that we'd each submit a couple cities outside of LA, in reasonable driving distance. We tossed said cities into a hat and pulled one out. And that's where we went! 

It was a bit of a fail on my part. I submitted a city that had kind of a broad scope but true to our word, when that city was picked, we headed to the great foreign land of... Orange County.

Ooooh.... Ahhhhh....

Our first stop in the strange, distant (about an hour) land was the Discovery Science Center. Which actually turned out to be a kids museum. 

Did that deter us? Hell no.

We had a damned good time shopping for groceries in the fake supermarket and learning about the science of hockey. 

And from the museum, we traveled westward to the Pacific Marine Mammal Center. PMMC is a non-profit organization dedicated to the rescue, rehabilitation, and release of marine mammals stranded along the Orange County coastline and to increase public awareness of the marine environment through education and research. (I totally copied and pasted that from their website, y'all.) 

It kind of breaks your heart to see all those helpless animals behind fences but they seemed happy and healing. It's nice that a place like that exists and it's cool they let visitors in.

And after a brief stop for a late lunch at a VERY fancy fast food establishment, we ended our adventure day at Heisler Park which overlooks the shore. It was quite beautiful.

The good news is, we were respectable, mature adults throughout our day of adventure:

And furthermore, I finally got to drive a fake Zamboni:

We also got to test our skills as hockey commentators. We took the assignment very seriously:

How could I not share this adorable, heart-breaker?

Did I mention we got to watch a true athlete accomplish an amazing feat of spelunking?

The views were really spectacular, though:

I appreciate that this blog is far less interesting when I'm just writing about what I'm doing so I thank you for your indulgence. And thank you to Stacey Dash and Candy Spice, the 6th Spice Girl, for inviting me to join them on this adventure and for allowing me to post their gorgeous mugs on my blog. :)

Epic Updates on the 33 in 2012

Greetings from SAN FRANCISCO! I am so excited to be here with two great friends. We talked about this trip forEVER and booked it so very long ago, I can hardly believe I am here. 

"Everywhere you look...." We will not rest until we get our picture taken in front of the famous Full House home!

Which brings me to updating my "33 in 2012" list. New items are indicated in purple. Completed items are now highlighted. 

1. Go to San Francisco.
2. Read at least one book a month, if not more. (I completed my book for January. Now reading TWO books at once. I guess I got overly ambitious?)
3. Watch Gone With the Wind - I've never seen it! Always wanted to. (Some friends saw this and we are going to organize a movie night. I'm so excited!)
4. Clean OUT this apartment. Good lord, I have WAY too much stuff. 
5. Try this arts n' crafts project. And maybe also this one. I think it's super cool. 
6. Finish my book (I started writing a book in 2011 - it's true!) 
7. Go to high tea with girlfriends. Wear beautiful and/or ridiculous hats. 
8. Go camping. (A cabin in the woods counts.)
9. Go to Vegas. Again. 
10. Bake a pie (I love to bake but I've never successfully made a pie and I LOVE pie!) 
11. Finish watching every episode of "Star Trek: The Next Generation," in order (I left off in the middle of season 4 in 2011.) Don't judge me. I get to have nerdy goals. 
12. Wear my glasses more often (like I'm supposed to) (So far, I have been!)
13. Go to a baseball game. Eat something totally unhealthy. Shout at the umpires for being assholes. 
14. Spend a day at the spa (Because I totally deserve it!)
15. Drink more water (This is the only New Years resolution I originally made -- well, other than abolishing the world of the Kardashians.)
16. Attend more than one hockey game. (Going to one on Jan. 21. In a VIP suite. Because I am legit, kiddos.)
17. Go to LACMA. And The Getty for that matter. I've lived in Los Angeles for most of my life and have never been to either. Ridiculous. 
18. Host a dinner party. Actually cook some of the food! 
19. Go to the movies more. Do not wait for others to invite you. Go alone. (Did this twice this week. Still plan to do it more. I loved it.)
20. Talk Less. Listen more. (This is rather vague. I will find a way to better explain.)
21. Try five foods I've always hated but haven't actually tried in years. (Thanks,Meg!) Well, I surely ate spinach last week. Four more to go. 
22. Learn to make a crepe. 
23. Take a cooking class with friends. 
24. Paint a wall in my bedroom. Probably this color or something similar.
25. ???

 

Oh, Vegas, City of Sin

Had a GREAT time this past weekend with three of my girlfriends in Vegas. There was no focused celebration or reason to go other than we needed to escape California for a couple days and where better to do it?

The thing about Vegas is, for me, I feel liberated the second the car crosses the California/Nevada border. Maybe sooner. Maybe from the moment we hit the road and turned the Vegas mix on the iPod. There's nothing like a good music mix to get you in the mood. I am, as it happens, the master of the mix. I am totally "DJ Jazzy Jew."

Nothing annoys me more than play-by-play blogs so here are just some photo highlights and some fabulous quotes I took down over the weekend. (I was named the quote-book-keeper.) I bet you can tell which things were said under the influence and which were stated out of sheer genius...

It might help to know that by the end of the weekend, we'd all earned new nicknames. You'll pick up on that...

Deb: We never found sugar daddies…

Me: That's ok- we found Kristy the cocktail waitress!

 

 

Me: Wanna smell my foot? (As I pretty much put it right in front of her nose because I am disgusting)

Deb: Smells like vegas.

 

Deb: I'm gonna have some FRENCH TOAST (Imagine Leslie Mann in the 40 Year Old Virgin)

Frat boy passing by us to his buddy: Dude, I totally want french toast now.

Steph:  Dear lobster, by the time I finished eating you, I was hungry again.  Hugs n' kisses, Liberace

 

 

Me, after tasting Steph’s nasty mojito: Dude, my makeup remover has less alcohol than this. Shit, turpentine is more palatable.

 

Deb: Guys, I wanna have coke bottles in my hair by the end of this weekend

Me: I want a microwave burrito.

Deb: There are many subtle layers of HO. Crispy, extra crispy, or like some deep fried ho.

Deb: Omigod, it smells like Vegas. So gross. I love it.

Deb, upon seeing our beautiful room: It’s like Jesus lives here.

 

 
Deb, taking a swig of the Grand Lux strawberry martini: It burns on the way down.

Steph to well-dressed dudes: What are you guys in town for?

Deb: The convention of awesomeness.

 

Deb, to the taxi driver: What's your name?

Taxi driver: Daniel

Melissa: Daniel? That's my therapist’s name.

Taxi Driver: Maybe I could be your second therapist.

(seems like a good idea, no?)

Steph: Melissa I have something for you. It's a red flag.

Me: My Vegas is throbbing

Sam, new friend from the pool:  I date guys who take steroids because they hate themselves.

Me (via Facebook): Dear Vegas, Steph is drunk. I got a new hat. What up?

 

 

Deb: Melissa said “Drink, don't think.” Man, the rules get flipped in Vegas.

 

 

The Tale of Why I Hate to Fly

Oh, Italy, what a Summer.

Oh coming home, what an... adventure. Meghan, you help me out if I missed something.

So in 2000, I was lucky enough to spend some of the Summe in Florence, Italy. Not a bad gig if you can get it. NYU has a 65 acre property there and staying in a villa in the hills? Ridiculous. One of the best times I will ever have, I am sure.

At the end of the Summer, one of my roommates, Meghan, and one of my classmates, Micah, and I headed to the airport to catch our flight home, which would connect through Paris.

Pause here. See, at this time, I was not a huge fan of flying but I could survive it. My homegirl Meghan, though? Not so much a fan. And so she lovingly took some xanax prior to boarding and it mellowed her out a bit. And by a bit, I mean it made her funny and loopy and semi-conscious. (I was jealous.)

Anyway, we get on the plane and amazingly, I pass out before we even take off. I'm gone. I am blissfully unaware of the world around me. This is how I like it. This is how I like to spend a good flight if I can.

But with a tap-tap-tapping on my shoulder, I awaken. Oddly, I awaken facing in a 45 degree angle DOWNWARD. You know, like how you might be posed if your airplane was CRASHING INTO THE EARTH. And there is my tap-tap-tapping friend, Meghan, also blissfully unaware but in a drug-induced way, peacefully whisperng to me "just wanted to tell ya, nothing to worry about, minor problem... but it seems an engine has stopped working and we might, might, crash. But go back to sleep, m'k?"

Past Meghan, I can see Micah, a shell of a man, cying and praying to God in Hebrew. Nuns on our plane are praying. The flight attendants are nowhere to be seen cause they are buckled in for the big boom.

Except one stewardess who is on the P.A. telling us the news. In French. Which is fne cause Meghan actually speaks some Fren-- oh wait, Meghan is marvelling over the pretty colors. So much for that.

And about as quickly as I am typing this very sentence, engine kicks in, we level out, swing around, and head right back to Florence.

At the airport, I demanded the evil French-speaking people get me to a phone. I called my parents and asked them to buy me a rowboat. I begged them fo a cruise ticket. ANY WAY I could get my ass back to the U.S of A sans PLANE. I was striking out.

Meghan, coming down from the high, described the experience for us: "UN AVION EL CRASHED-O." This is a fabulos blend of French and Italian, I believe. Basically, she was saying "plane go boom."

And what did those Facist bastards make us do? GET BACK ON THE PLANE. You can imagine my joy at this. The drugs were gone now and the three of us were panic-stricken little guppies in a sea of evil Frenchies. We got stuck on that plane, praying for our lives, and then stuckin Paris for a night at the dumpiest motel in the history of the world. The shower was not a shower, people. It was a spout. Hanging from the ceiling. Over a drain in the floor. I've held hockey pucks softer than the bread they served us for breakfast.

The next day, we boarded another plane. I don't remember this. I assume because I was so petrified by this point that I let my body. I remember landing at JFK. I remember that we literally dropped to our knees, thankful to be alive. I remember Air France lost my luggage and sentit to Denver and I remember them delivering it to me at 4am a few days later. And I remember the $100 voucher they sent me for my troubles so that I could fy their friendly skies in the future. My mother, in her innate wisdome, ripped up the voucher and mailed it back to them.

I've not been able to fly without the assistance of medication since. I panic. And not just right before and during. The panic sets in about a month before and builds painfullym slowly and gradually. About a week prior, the nightmares start. A couple days before, my stomach knots up. The night before, I am lucky to get two hours of sleep and I am an utter MESS right up unil the xanax enters my mouth and dissolves into mybloodstream. But that shit is magic. I'm usually asleep pretty soon after and unconscious until I land.

I'm not a big fan of over-medicating but dammit, God bless the makers of Xanax.

And that is my tale of the avion that went crashed-o. I've become less bitter about it over the years and now appreciate how hilarious it is. My teenagers have asked me to tell the story more than once and they lauh their asses off. So do I.

But not so muchtonight since I am now two nights away...

A Good Idea

So I read a LOT of blogs. Or actually, let me rephrase-- I have a lot of blogs bookmarked. I don't read them as often as I should but then I have days like this when work is slow and I can catch up on almost everything, which is awesome.

Anyway, I especially enjoyed this bit over at Bakerella. She has this display in her home and she has over 100 beaches from around the world in jars. I just thought that was such a cool thing and if I actually went anywhere, I'd be all over it.