CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

Not so Random Entry

I had a thought-- would YOU like to ask ME something?

I know a lot of my readers are friends but I know I am getting over 100 hits a day now and maybe someone is curious about me or would like MY advice on something?

Contrary to how I've let myself go, I am quite health-knowledge-savvy.

Feel free.

More to come soon. I'm doing some research to make sure I don't put my foot in my mouth and then expect something from me on Gastirc Bypass surgery. Star Jones, I'm coming for you, girl!

Bad Habits

About a month ago, I started smoking again.

Now before you start with the lectures and the disdain, don't think you'll say anything I haven't thought of myself, yet. Trust me.

I started smoking when I was 16. I took time off from the nasty habit from time to time and I quit last year. A year ago. I was really serious about it and rather impressed with myself.

Anyway, I was stressed, I was under pressure, I was succumbing to social situations-- which is no excuse, any of it, but I started smoking again.

The thing is, when I quit, I put on a lot of my weight. And now, that I am "thinning," I am terrified to stop again. I don't want to be sitting on the couch, stuffing my face again.

So it's not something I've been doing every day, but when I'm at a social gathering, laden with food; when I am home alone, and bored; when I am particulary tense? I smoke.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

{sigh}

Inspiration

Will everyone please welcome my good friend, Becky. She is amazing in many ways, as you will see by the below photos after reading this outstanding bit she wrote for me. I am so glad you get to read this and, hopefully, appreciate what she has accomplished as much as I do.

The Trigger

I, as a Chapman Film School under-graduate, was forced into taking a humiliating class called Acting for Non Actors.  Public speaking had never been my forte, but I sucked it up and participated. That day, the day we were asked to each do a 2 minute monologue in front of the class, I wore my brown tank top and my brown velour  hoodie over top (my biggest and most comfortable sweater that I had purchased at K-mart). I had short auburn hair at the time, a page boy cut, and I was weighing in at around 250 pounds.

I did my monologue. I had selected something from Sex, Lies and Videotape. My professor had ranted and raved about me being a true ‘actress’ when I had finished. Each scene had been video taped and the class gathered around the TV to watch our performances. High on the idea of being an “actress” I was excited to see what it looked like. My heart sank as my image came on screen. There I was, dressed all in brown, sitting like a lump in the small blue chair that dug into the outside of my thighs when my fat settled in. I looked like shit…literally: A big, brown piece of shit.  I hardly recognized myself.

This image of me is forever burnt into my mind. It was nothing I thought I was. It was nothing I wanted to be. This girl looked miserable, defeated, unhappy, and unapproachable. The me inside thought of what I wanted. I wanted to be successful, and accomplished. I wanted to be put together and, most of all, happy. That was a turning point. Seeing the physical, and realizing how much it was affecting the mental.  My personality was being smothered by my weight.

“Diet and exercise as religion” is what I say to people when they ask me how I did it. I lost an initial 90lbs, regained 20, and, have since, lost another ten. Every day is a struggle, especially when the craft services table is 10 feet away from my desk, but I remember that woman, the stranger in the brown outfit, looking back at me from the television. And I compare it to the woman I am now, the woman who is headstrong, training to run a half marathon, who happily shops at the stores of her choosing, wearing not the brown potato sack, but rather any color in the rainbow. The woman people have even described as “photogenic!” Maybe, if I hadn’t had the trigger pulled, I would still be someone, but I don’t think it would be anyone close to who I am today. And today, I don’t look like a piece of shit.

Here is Becky before:

That's her in the far right. Her sister Roxanne is in the middle. Roxanne has also made amazing strides in getting herself in shape.

Here are some recent photos of Becky and her sister...

   

FYI, friends, you can read more of Becky’s writing on her personal MySpace blog at blog.myspace.com/supergirlbex. And you should read it as she is an excellent writer.

Like I said: AMAZING.

Status Update!

Good news! 1.8 more pounds! GONE!

Total lost: 16.2 pounds.

I wish I were happier, pleased as I am about it. I just work myself up entirely too much on weigh-in days. I blame my very first weight loss. How do you top losing 10 pounds in a week?

You don't.

I'm pleased as pie (yes, I just said "pleased as pie") about losing consistently but I'd sure like to see it more. People seem to be noticing but when I look in the mirror, I just see the same ol' fat girl. But I know when I've knocked off a good 30 pounds, I'll probably see something in me. And the good news is, I'm already halfway to that.

Took a really nice, long walk with my neighbor tonight. Had a good talk, too. The walk was challenging for me, I'll admit, but having the dog with us and having someone I can talk to with me made it easier. It drove me more. And being with her always makes me feel more positive because she has a great energy. (She is probably reading this, too. Helloooo!)

Right now, I have a big decision. Jenny Craig Rising Crust Pizza? Chicken Fajitas? Tortellini?

   

Life is so tough.

Recipe Recommendation

For dessert tonight? Couple scoops of non-fat cottage cheese, a few diced strawberries, half a banana sliced, and a half cup of diced peaches.

My God, that was good.

Which brings me to my question: what does one do when the are craving things like chips? Ice cream? French fries?

Resistence alone is not an option. Advice welcome.

{sigh}

Please Welcome Another Friend

My friend Em should inspire you all with what she's accomplished.

I love her concluding quote so much that I am spoiling ot for you now: "Everything in life is only for now." Sage words.

BEING IN BETWEEN

At my heaviest, I weighed 251 pounds. That is a hard thing to type, and I honestly don't think I've ever used the specific number before. I usually say something like, "At my heaviest, I was more than 200 pounds." That leaves it nice and vague. But no...back in March of '05, I was my heaviest at 251 pounds. And I'm only 5'3, so you can imagine how unhealthy that was.

I've always been (at the very least) chubby. A pleasantly roly-poly child, who became a plump adolescent, who eventually became a fat teenager. I sometimes think I might have had a chance to shed my babyfat when I tried out for the soccer team at the age of 12. But, I became intimindated by the girls who were slender and athletic, and I didn't return after that first practice, even though I would have made the team. Maybe if I had stayed on the team things would have been different, but such is life.

I broke 200 pounds in college, where I was no longer under the food restraints of my mother and I could eat whatever I wanted. And boy did I. I didn't just eat poorly, I ate a lot. Add in the fact that I hardly ever exercised, and it's no wonder I put on another 50 pounds. With the exception of my small group of close friends, I was too self-conscious to talk to anyone or even make eye contact. Needless to say, my self-esteem was shot.

It wasn't until 6 months after I moved to Los Angeles that I finally did something about it. In March of '05, at 251 pounds, I joined Curves. It might have saved my life. Along with exercising on a regular basis, I started eating better. After a year, I'd lost about 50 pounds and regained some of my self-esteem. But my steady weight-loss has since tapered off and plateau'ed. My weight has been consistently around the 200 mark for over a year now, and while it's a positive thing that I've been able to maintain my weight for over a year, I'm not looking to maintain. I'm still trying to lose.

When I started back in '05, I always said that I wanted to get down to 150 pounds and see where I was at then. Being around 200, that puts me right smack in the middle. While being 251 pounds was infinitely frustrating, with my low energy and non-existent self-esteem and limited clothing selection, it's equally as frustrating to be stuck at the halfway point. And what's *really* frustrating is I know that it's all in my control. I exercise a lot now, and my health is much improved, but it's still the food that is my weakness. I can walk up 3 flights of stairs without gasping for breath, but I can't pass up a piece of cheesecake.

I think the hardest part of being in between the starting point and the finish line is that I'm not always sure of who I am or who I was or who it is I so desperately want to become. I want to still be me, but a happier and more confident and attractive me. There's always that naive thought that once you lose the weight, your whole life improves and everything is sunshine and rainbows. I know that isn't true, but I do hope that I can at least learn to be happy with myself. Even if the halfway point turns out to be the finish line after all.

"Everything in life is only for now."

Suddenly, I'm 12 again

It's sort of funny to me.

I had dinner with my parents and my Aunt, who's visiting from San Diego, and a friend was at a bar next door with friends. And there I was, when she came over to our table to say hi, asking, "Gee, mom n' dad! Is it okay for me to go off with my friends? I promise not to be home too late!"

And there I was with friends I've known since I was 12 and being dropped off afterwards at my parents house. And sitting in the den, with my laptop, while my parents and Aunt have gone to bed...

My mom was so funny, asking me if I needed anything, and insisting on making my bed for me...

It just ocurred to me that this blog has nothing to do with my weightloss projects and might have been better suited for my MySpace blog, but I suppose I was thinking about how supportive my parents are and how excited my friends have been for me and just started typing. Hope no one minds!

Tomorrow, gonna get some exercise in, read some Harry Potter, and enjoy the sweet A/C at my mom and dad's.

Infuriating

So of course I know better than to let something horrible and smutty like The Enquirer get to me but this just really ticks me off:

When is it going to end? Did you know a "plus size" model is a size 12? God, I would kill to be a size 12 when I woke up tomorrow morning.

I think Kelly Clarkson is fabulous, curves, "fatness," n' all.

Kirstie Alley never looked better. Fuck you, National Enquirer.