CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

If Ever You Wanted a Peek

I don't really like tomatoes, FYI, but I love tomato soup. LOVE IT. So you can imagine (or maybe you can't but work with me here) my excitement when Jenny Craig came out with a tomato soup.

It's not astoundingly appealing looking... would you wanna eat soup in a bag? But it turned out to be quite delicious:

   

A few dashes of parmesean cheese and POOF! Really, DELICIOUS.

Best part? It's a freebie. I can eat it all day long and all week long and it don't count. So if you need me, I'll be in the corner, inhaling yummy tomato soup.

With my soup? Jenny pizza.

 

Jealous? I know you are. It was tasty.

Vitamin water to drink.

Statistics

Ok, I gotta tell you, I'm in class right now and I started off paying attention. Really! I had every intention of listening to the lecture until the professor, in his scary accent, said the one word I always detested in school: statistics.

So long, Professor! I'm mentally checking out.

And as I was sitting here, pretending to pay attention, my mind started to wander. I was thinking about how I'd rather be doing pretty much anything right now. Like the gym. And believe me, I gotta be pretty bored to consider that an option. But thinking about the gym made me think about being sweaty. And thinking about being sweaty? Yeah, it made me think about sex.

Shutup - you know your mind would take you there, too. I'm not the only dirty gal in this bunch!

Well, next thing I know, I am thinking about how awful my body looks naked. That even though I've lost weight, over the years, I've shrunk on the inside but my outside just hangs there. I have skin. On my tummy, my ass, my thighs. Hell, I am pretty sure my FINGERS are stretched out at this point. I wonder how thin I would be if I could just suck all this extra skin off. I know, secretly, there's a size 10 just dying to burst out and sing "BUY ME A FITTED TOP!"

BUt it's not over yet.

Because I was thinking about me naked body and then thinking about shopping and the next thing I know, I am thinking about how much I would enjoy a Chai Latte right now. And what else would I enjoy? A vacation, a copious amount of cash (which I might roll around in naked were it not for my scary nakedness), a milkshake, my soft blanket and my pajamas, a good book to curl up with, some hot apple pie....

It always comes back to food for me. It seems inevitable. Everything I think about comes back to food. Maybe this is the biggest problem of them all.

Someone, anyone, brainwash me! Please!

530 POUNDS!!!

Tomorrow on Oprah, they are telling incredible weightloss stories, featuring a woman who lost FIVE HUNDRED AND THIRTY pounds. Can you imagine? I mean, what would you have to start at to lose 530 pounds and still be a human being afterwards? That's pretty amazing, kids. I don't know if anyone is an Oprah fan (but come on, how could you NOT be?) but you should check this out.

In my constant quest for inspiration, I will be glued to the TV to see it.

How did everyone fare over the holiday weekend? I was doing quite well at my mom and dad's house. I sort of lucked out since my mom made sure there was a big salad on the table and for desert, my Aunt brought a "sugar free and fat free yogurt pie" from Bigg Chill. It wasn't exactly riddled with flavor but I didn't feel left out while everyone else ate whatever they wanted.

Of course, it all went to hell at my friend's house, where I went afterward. She's the most incredible cook and she makes everything from scratch and I knew from years past, there would be no way for me to fight off the ricotta quiche. It's amazing. For 364 days, I await its precious entry into my tummy. Mmmm.... So there was that and there were homeade biscuits. Not a total disaster but not really the smashing success I'd been aiming for.

As I skipped Jenny Craig last week, my conscience will undoubtedly force my lazy tush over there tomorrow so we'll see just how much of a mess I made.

And on a side note, FYI, you'll notice some new widgets and things along the sides of my page. Ever the technology junkie, I love to try out new gizmos and programming codes so bare with me. Of course, feel free to use them. Also feel free to make suggestions.

Snack time. I'm jubilant.

Hey Old Friend

Went to dinner with a couple friends tonight and ran into an ex. And by "ex" I mean we really just casually dated.

And, well, by "casually dated," I mean we slept together a couple times.

So to be polite, and knowing I'd see him anyway in a couple weeks at my high school reunion, I went up to him to say hello. I'm such a cordial person, you know. And it was slightly awkward and thank God for my friends coming up and saving me in my foolish quest, but I just kept thinking two things:

"Shit, this guy's seen me naked."

"Shit, I was not this fat last time he saw me."

There I go again, getting all up in my head and my ridiculous thoughts and making myself crazy.

I then proceeded to gorge myself on sushi. I have not had sushi in MONTHS and I've missed it so. I drank lots of water and tea, hoping to counteract the sodium , and I peed 84 timed tonight after I got home.

I'm exaggeratging, of course. It was really just like 83 times.

Of course, if not for my damaged  blatter, I'd be up all night anyway. Damned green tea - I'm wired.

I am secure in the knowledge that tomorrow I will eat healthy. When I spend the day with my family, I am left no other choice since they all watch what I eat as if they were putting it in their own mouths.

Gobble Gobble

All the best to you and your families for Thanksgiving!

Productivity

I've been gradually cleaning out my apartment, ridding myself of excess weight in other aspects of my life. I somehow feel lighter as a result of doing this and it's been excellent exercise beside because I fill up a box with trash, walk it back to the dumpster, back and forth like that for several trips. I'm lifting things and moving things and when I am done with a part of the project, I am usually sweaty, tired, but feeling great.

I haven't had a cigarette since Sunday. This has been hard. I've "quit" before and it's usually a relatively easy thing for me to do. But this time around, maybe because I am doing so much else to improve my life at once, I am crabby and antsy over it. I know if I just get through a couple weeks of it, though, I'll be okay. I'll have proven myself. I actually think quitting before this weekend will turn out to be a smart move because I don't plan to do any major socializing this weekend and the pressure to smoke always comes in that. I don't know why though - most of my friends have actually quit by now or cut way back.

I have to admit I cancelled my Jenny Craig appointment today. I ate some major craptastic food over the weekend (it always is worse in my head then it actually is) and I had lunch plans with a coworker that was not going to be entirely conducive to my Jenny diet. My appointment was at 3, post-lunch, and when I felt bloated and crampy this morning, I knew that I was cancelling.

Ah yes, woman problems 5-8 days a month. The best excuse ever.

My mom is being magnificent in preparing for tomorrow. She called me today to go over what she was making to make sure there would be food around for me to snack on and eat at dinner. She's amazing about making sure I can participate and feel normal while my cousins are gorging themselves on crackers and cheese spread and fatty dips. I'll have skim cheese and veggies and some protein. With dinner, my mom is making a big salad because I like to have some veggies with every meal and I never eat her string bean casserole (I can't get past the smell - a weird thing with me). She also was concerned I'd blow it on desert but I think I'll just bring one of my jenny cakes with me and see if that makes me happy. Or I can eat a bowl of strawberries and maybe I'll bring my Cool Whip. We'll see. Being with my family is a test indeed because nobody eats like a big Jewish family at the holidays.

Hell, we don't even need a holiday, just a time and a place!

I find that with the four-day weekend already in progress (work ended at 2 today - isn't that nice?), I already feel more relaxed but I have two loads of laundry to do and a ways to go before the weight is completely lifted. I told my mom last night that if I can just make it to New Year's without totally flipping out, I'll be fine.

Countdown to my 10-year H.S. reunion? 16 innerving days.

Totally Naked

On Saturday night, a minor triumph. The bouncer at the bar I was at hit on me. At least, I think he did. We talked a lot, that's for sure, and he gave me his e-mail address, saying how he's love for me to show him around USC's campus. He just moved here and likes to see the sights around here. Was it a line or bullshit or what? No idea. But he's adorable and I will not be sad to be seen in public with him!

It's hard when you're heavy to believe that a guy could like you. I know they're out there, those rare guys who do not care about such things, but still. I mean, let's face it- this is a very shallow world we live in. It may be unfair to judge someone based on how they look but we all do it in one way or another, on purpose or not.

So he and I have been e-mailing, anyway, and it's kept me amused during a very rough week. I am preoccupied with financial problems and I am worried about eating my way through my mom and dad's house on Thanksgiving. Stress. Sucks.

I know most of my readers are strangers to me in "real life" and I know a handful of you are people I know personally. And it ocurred to me that the guy I had a crush on not too long ago is reading this and a couple ex-boyfriends of mine... well, it all makes me feel a little (or a LOT) naked. I can't hide in this world where I have to admit I am fat and have health problems, where I have major insecurities and depression and struggles. But I guess that's the point of it all. I started this blog as a selfish act, to have an outlet for myself but was excited when friends seemed interested. I was AMAZED and flattered when strangers reached out to me and continue to love "meeting" you all through MySpace and e-mail.

Keep it coming, kids.

Have a great day!

Who's a Cranky Monkey?

I QUIT SMOKING. AGAIN.

Last night, I got home late. About 3am. I was laying in bed, trying to go to sleep, and I had a major coughing attack. I'm pretty sure, in fact, that one or both of my lungs ended up somewhere in my THROAT for a good time. I felt horrible. And it was this weezing, hacking cough that HURT.

So today, I slept in really late and then moved my ass to the couch. I was out of cigarettes and I was just too lazy to go buy more. And I thought back on last night and figured, "why not?" I've tried it before with some success. Last time I "quit" cold turkey, it lasted a year.

And I was going to do it for the new year anyway. Why wait? Tis the season for giving so I may as well give myself this gift.

I look forward to breathing again. Coming soon to a pair of lungs near me.

And if you encounter me in the next few days, I apologize in advance cause I am one cranky bitch. Thanksgiving should be, like, WAY fun.