CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

Hooked on a Feeling

I just got home from karate class and I gotta say, I feel rather marvelous. My mind is clear and though my body aches a bit (and will probably hurt more tomorrow), I feel sort of tingly and pretty alive.

I woke up last night, about 2am, experiencing a horrible panic attack. I was sweating and nervous... I'd almost say I was scared, though I am not sure of what. My mind was racing and my eyes were just WIDE open and for the life of me, I could not imagine going back to sleep. Just thoughts of all these things stressing me out were racing through my head.

My thesis. Well, it's due in a week. I am not really near done but I know that if history is any indication, I will put it off to the last minute and somehow manage a good grade. I worry about it a little here and there but really, not as much as I should be worrying, I guess.

My finances. I always worry about this. Even when I am at my most calm, somewhere in the back of my mind, I am worrying about my wretched financial situation. But it can't get worse and right now, at this precise moment anyway, I am worrying less about that and more about what's going to happen on the show I am watching. :)

My job. Well, the work is good, the boss still has her good days and bad, and I am going nowhere. It's ridiculous. I would say it is unreasonable for me to want a promotion before my two year mark but I know that I am already doing the higher-up job and not being paid the higher-up salary. And when I think I am getting close? The rug gets pulled out.

My diet. Well, it goes without saying-- this could be better. But I am loaded up on leftover chicken from my weekend (I threw a bridal shower) so I will, at least, eat a healthy lunch each day this week. I'm aiming for it.

Not a whole lot else to say, I suppose. Just feeling so good post-class, I wanted to say hello.

Worth a Reprint

From a reader. Please read this because it's great wisdom for us all:

"...Side note (and apologies in advance for weighing down the levity, but i wanted to share this with you & anyone else who might find it worth perusing): Yesterday, I attended my friend's little brother's memorial service. He was 23 years old, and a great kid - warm, kind, compassionate, funny as sin, and had this cute mug that was always plastered in what many lovingly referred to at the funeral as his unique 'shit-eatin' grin.' Though his passing at such a young age is indisputably awful & sad, the service was unbelievably inspiring and I took SO much away from it. Namely, how much energy I've wasted in the past on inconsequential things - whether a big ol' honkin' zit on my chin or some shmo that dumped me on my birthday or one of my siblings making a crappy remark at dinner. It's embarassing, quite honestly. How could I ever gripe?? How lucky am I?! To be healthy; to have a strong capable body that might not be a size 2 any more, but serves me well. To have a job that affords me a comfortable existence. To have family, no matter how nutty they might be. To have friends who are as dedicated to me as I am to them. To live in a great old apartment in this fantastic city. To have the ability to laugh and enjoy and celebrate and feel and love. my friend's brother squeezed every bit of goodness out of life, appreciated the hell out of what he had, and infused everything/everyone around him with his positivity. Yes, work can be stressful. Yes, our parents can be wretchedly annoying and nitpicky. Yes, we get stuck in traffic jams. Yes, friends and loved ones disappoint us. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with acknowledging when things rub us the wrong way, and having a good old-fashioned gripe. But if we could all take a bit of the energy we spend on wallowing in what irks us, and re-focus it to something uplifting - whether it be recognizing how wondefully fortunate we are, or doing something altruistic and kind for someone else - I think we'd all be in much better shape. I hope your folks know how lucky they are to have a daughter who is brave and well-spoken and quirky and vibrant. Like you said, in the grand scheme of things, all the mishegas simply doesn't matter. Surround yourself with goodness..."

I haven't the words. This was a beautiful comment.

No More Talking About my Crazy Family!

I am not going on about this craziness anymore. I realized later this afternoon that you know what? I just don't care. When my father was yelling at me, I sort of shut myself off, just kept saying "uh-huh" and "okay" and "yes, you're right" like a frickin' robot and maybe 20 minutes after my last post, I realized I handled it well. I thought I was gonna cry a couple times but I didn't. And then someone at the office made me laugh and I just realized that in the grand scheme of things, I don't care anymore. It's like listening to a broken record.

So anyway, let's talk about something far more interesting. Men? Dating? Sex?

I've been trying out the Match.com thing. It's not going well. I "wink" at people, I write notes, I surf that site like it's my J-O-B and just.... squat. Oh, but I have gotten a few polite rejections. I lowered my standards just a wee bit to hit on some guys I might not normally chase but still: nada. C'est la vie. But I am signed up for a 3 month membership so I'll keep at it and let you know how it's going.

There was one guy I was chatting with on the IM, then met for coffee but when he left me a voicemail the next day, BELCH included? Yeah, so long Match-boy. He had a lazy eye anyway which, quite frankly, I was willing to try and look past (pardon the pun) but it was distracting and sorta creepy.

I have tried a couple things on my profile. I've selected "curvy" and then "a few extra pounds" and then used "BBW" but still- no bites.

The entire thing still sort of fascinates me though, all the same, and I am considering trying a DIFFERENT website when this well runs dry. I've had a couple friends who've had luck with eHarmony but I heard it's Christian-based so I don't know how I feel about that. I am not opposed to religions, of course, just to crazy jesus-freaks who are gonna shun me for being an Agnostic Jew. (In my head I imagine them shouting "SINNER!!!" and throwing holy water at me.)

Someone else mentioned eChemistry? Or Chemistry... Something like that? What do you guys like?

I am really looking forward to this weekend and maybe spending Sunday at the zoo. I love the animals and it's a fun way to get some exercise while I'm doing something unique.

I had a sensible lunch today- again, another meal I wanted to brag about. I am contemplating dinner as we speak and can't really get excited about anything as I am le tired. However, I may nosh on some of the canteloupe I bought the other night I couldn't finish.

No Title

Actually, I was having a perfectly nice day until my father called to berate me for eating like a pig on Passover and for "fallin off the wagon" on my diet.

Gee, I don't know how I got so lucky.

I wanna go home now.

Perpetuating Stereotypes

Just wanna clear something up...

I don't want to perpetuate any stereotypes. Yes, my mother and I are not getting along right now and my mother happens to be Jewish. And I know there are a lot of moms out there, Jewish and not, giving daughters all over the world hard times. LOL. But I don't want anyone to doubt for a minute that I love my mom, that I know she loves me and actually, despite whatever issues I have with her methods, I know she thinks she is doing the right thing by staying on me about my problems.

There have been olenty of times when my mother has been there for me like a trooper.

And so I just wanted to say that cause there's been a lot of hating on moms and I TOTALLY understand that, of course, but I don't want anyone to think I was trying to create and perpetuate the "Jewish Mother" stereotype cause if you know me, you know it's not really my style to be that way.

Is this making sense?

Yes, some moms suck, but more often than not, I like to believe and hope they don't.

For dinner tonight, by the way, I had a sensible salad and drank a lot of water. That's not really relevant but when I can plan and execute a healthy meal, I feel rather proud of myself so I wanted to brag. LOL.

Freud Rules!

So, quite a few mom-issues all around, it seems.

Thank you, one and all, for your comments and support. And keep them coming if you will because they really make me feel good. One of my friends told me today that (and I can't do this verbatum as my mind is moosh tonight) -- that your family is sort of what you make it. Your friends are just as much family. Which is true. You crazy kids are my online family.

When I argue with my mother or father or they piss me off, I generally react one of two ways. First one would be I cut myself off from them for days and plant myself, firmly, on the couch with anything within an arm's reach that is remotely edible. And there I sit and sulk and/or cry until I'm too tired and go to bed.

I know, I know -- it's uplifting, no?

But tonight it was door number TWO where in I go a little crazy, tearing apart my room, hanging up anything on the floor, tossing shoes into the closet, and in this case, do two loads of laundry and refuse to eat because I am now going to be anorexic to IMMEDIATELY be thin and REALLY show my mom who's the champion.

The "Anorexia" lasts about 2 hours til I can't fight off the urge for ice cream any longer, FYI.

I'll say this about tonight's semi-insanity. I am washing so many clothes, it's likely I'll now not need to do laundry again for a while. Hoorah!

What I Need is a Good Therapist

You're gonna have to pardon me in advance because while I normally try to refrain from cussing here like I do in "real life" (seriously, I know I have a very unladylike foul mouth), I am too depressed and too angry to control myself tonight.

I am so sick of trying to please my mother. I don't know why, at my age, I even continue to try but don't we all do this?

On my way to Passover dinner, to see my mom Saturday night, I joked in the car how I knew she would immediately make a crack about my messy hair. I was going for a cute-curly-poofy thing that didn't come out all right but I thought it was passable. And she did not disappoint. Even in the presence of the friend I brought home with me, after hello (or did she even say hello?), she gave me "that look" and commented on the hair.

On Sunday, she commented again on the hair and even gave me a hair gel she thought I might like. She disguises that kind of thing as a favor or gift, but it's an insult. I am not fooled. Actually, an hour before she and my father were coming to pick me up, she called to check what I planned to wear. God forbid I wear something inappropriate, my cousins and Aunts and Uncles might think she was a shitty parents.

Dark jeans and a black top, by the way. We don't dress up in my family -- my Uncle, for example, was in gym shorts and a t-shirt.

I helped myself to a chcolate covered macaroon. In fact, I had one on Saturday night- just one! And then I had one on Sunday night. When my mom looked at me in a way that clearly said "do you really need that?" I went ahead and had a second one. Cause you know what? Fuck you. Scold me like a 5 year old and I'll do it twice to spite you. No, it's not mature but I just don't give a shit.

Yes, I will cut my nose to spite my face. Go ahead. Dare me. Tempt me.

When I signed up for Karate, they laughed at me. Both of my parents. When they were done laughing, I sort of whined how that hurt my feelings and then, when my mom apologized, she lectured me on how I would probably hurt myself and needed to be extra careful.

Again? Fuck you.

I had my first group class tonight and I was JAZZED. It totally kicked my ass. I was red in the face and sweaty and sticky and exhausted but I was so PROUD of myself and felt SO good about it. I am excited for Wednesday night. And why did I call my parents? I guess I was naively hoping they would care. But I got a lecture from my mother about how much crap I put in my mouth over the weekend and she is done (oh yeah- "done." right.) talking to me about it because she is sick of arguing.

Who argues? She lectures. She nags. She guilts. And I take it like a sucker. And I feel like shit.

My thyroid has always been borderline. But I took a blood test a couple weekends ago and I guess this time, it came back that I definitively have a problem. So I gotta take a pill. Big deal. My mother ranted that I can't go through my life fixing my problems with pills.

She didn't say that, by the way, when she went on a perscription weight loss pill. Or when my father went on blood pressure meds or blood thinners or thyroid pills or ambien...

So what do I do - NOT take something? Yeah, that's a great effing idea. Let's let it become a MAJOR problem and REALLY make it hard on me to lose a few pounds.

Who doesn't LOVE a challenge? Better yet, an IMPOSSIBLE challenge. Woo hoo, mom.

Say it with me, one more time: Fuck you.

God, I am so hurt and angry and disappointed, I am completely NOT hungry - and that means something. I tried to eat some fruit but took one look at it and felt sick.

I'm slightly heartbroken at the reality of it all. I know my parents love me and I do love them. I just wish I didn't feel like I had to meet their approval - I wish I could shake that. But I wish, of course, they would, just once, APPROVE. Or, at the very least, FAKE IT AND SHUT UP.

This could be cool

So this could be cool to check out. I saw a commercial promoting it, believe it or not, during the Toronto/Orlando basketball game today. I think, in fact, it's some kind of promotion for State Farm insurance, but it doesnt cost anything and from what I gather, you just sign up, sign in, and keep track of the weight you drop. Clearly, the goal is for the nation to shed 50 million pounds and fight obesity and all its consequences (heart disease, blood pressure, diabetes, etc.) -- why not?

http://www.50millionpounds.com