CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

A Horrible Idea

As heard on my TV one night this week:

"And now the body fortress value pack. The best new diet system. Available at Walmart."

First of all, WTF is a "body fortress" and how does it help you lose weight? I'm seriously asking because I typicaly would not relate the word "FORTRESS" to a healthy, slim figure. 

And second, dear readers, If you are buying diet supplements at Walmart, I'm sorry, but you are doing it wrong. The end. 

Love, COFG 

 

As seen on PeopleofWalmart.com

Please RT and help my friend find his daughter #FindHaley #LoveHaley

2011 Notable Quotables

 

“I like ice hockey, because people who play ice hockey are the kind of people who pick up hitchhikers...I’m ever so grateful. I’ve decided that I want to be Gilbert Brule." - Bono, after being picked up during a rainstorm by Gilbert Brule of the Edmonton Oilers

"I'm not that good-looking." - Ryan Gosling

"I didn't live my life the right way for politics, you know. I fucked too many chicks and did too many drugs, and that's the truth." - George Clooney on his political future

"I believe these words came from the POKEMON MOVIE..." - Former Presidential Candidate, Herman Cain

"I'm gonna miss him so much." - Jon Stewart on Herman Cain

Incidentally, anything from Jon Stewart on Herman Cain was really one of my favorite things this year. So, you're welcome:

The Daily Show
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

"I'd love to see their inbred faces when they open those thank you notes! Hopefully their jaws will drop so fast that their three remaining teeth and cro-magnon foreheads will plummet to the floor." - Lisa Lampinelli, who announced she would donate $1,000 to the Gay Men's Health Crisis for every Westboro Baptist Church member who protests her show

"You know, all we ate today was burritos. You had a wrap for lunch, which is basically a burrito. And we had breafast burritos. And then burriro burritos. So all we ate today was burritos. Except for the kettle corn. And the ice cream. But everything else? Burrito. All burritos." - 2011 Stagecoach Festival Drunk Girl

"...Osama bin Laden represented unrepentant and unpunished evil. His very presence seemed to question whether goodness could prevail over evil... but now there is hope. In acknowledgement that even in the face of overwhelming odds we must continue the fight against evil, there is the hope that we can defeat evil wherever it rears its ugly head." - Rabbi Stewart Vogel

"You don't fucking fight at my show, you asshole." - Dave Grohl to a fan who started a fight in the crowd at a Foo Fighters' show, before having him removed 

"Dear Kayne West, Roses are red, violets are blue, if Rebecca Black wins any awards, you know what to do." - DBPB

"Dear Bruno Mars, She's not worth it man. If someone is throwing grenades at this girl, she's obviously involved with some messed up people." - DBPB

"My friends and I have been coddled long enough by a billionaire-friendly Congress." - Warren Buffett

"Someone in my office just burnt a pop tart in the toaster. It smells like the melting of hopes and dreams." - Meg

"How'd you guess?" - AJ Pierzynski, White Sox catcher, to a patrolman who asked him if he played for the White Sox as Pierzynski was driving home... wearing his uniform

"Harry Potter, the boy who lived....come to die." - Voldemort

"And the Emmy goes to.... KYLE CHANDLER!" - 2011 Emmy Awards Presentation for Best Actor in a Drama

"I am on a drug. It's called 'Charlie Sheen.' It's not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." (Also see "WINNING" and "DUH. BI-WINNING.") - Charlie Sheen

Also See:

2009 Quotes: http://bit.ly/rDk5Ss

2008 Quotes: http://bit.ly/vtwvmm

All COFG Quotes: http://confessionsofafatgirl.typepad.com/blog/quotes/

The Really Important Happenings of 2011. Like Kim Kardashian's Divorce.

I promise I will get right back to bitching about my life but before I do, can we discuss some of the more ridiculous stories of 2011? 

Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen. Was anyone else obsessed with his crazy as much as I was? I made it to round three of the intern application process, for crying out loud (for the record, I applied for fun, not cause I'd ever do it). And by god, did that really all happen this year? It feelsl like it was ages ago. 

Royals get hitched. And I totally wanna name my first daughter Pippa. Did I stay up to watch it? Did I tivo the whole long thing? Absolutely.

Kim Kardashian marries. And divorces. And I couldn't care either way. All I care about is the space it took up on all the blogs and magazines I like to read. And that this family is famous for being... well, famous. Does anyone REALLY need to know the details of the late attorney Robert Kardashian's family? How does Olympian Bruce Jenner sleep at night knowing he is about number 10 on his wife's priority list? Did Kris Humphries REALLY think he'd get out of this looking good?

Ah, to hell with it. I'll never understand it and I've already taken up too much space ranting about it, wasting our time. Although, dear readers, I do not often toot my own horn, so to speak, but every now and then, I must applaud my wit and humor in 140 characters or less. 

Tweeted last night: 

I'm hilarious, no? 

2011 was supposed to be my comeback year but I'm afraid that ultimately, it did not pan out much better than 2010 did. I don't suppose I've mentioned yet that I am unemployed again? I wish I could say it was handled with the diginity and kindness my former- former employer dealt me when they laid me off but... no. And after only even working there for such a short time, it threw me for quite the loop. So this has not really turned out to be the comeback year I was hoping for...

It was the year of another car accident, some pretty strange dates and minor family dramas. 

But before you roll your eyes and think to yourself "enough with the bitching, homegirl," let me add what I cherished this year. I am not without gratitude and a bit of silver lining:

It was the year I had an AMAZING time at BlogHER! Made new friends and learned so much. 

It was the year of the ice cream social!!! DELICIOUS, colorful and fabulous. 

I saw Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson, Christina Applegate, Kenneth Branagh, Faith Hill, Eric Idle, Eugene Levy, Tim McGraw, William Shatner, Martin Short, Tracey Ullman, Reba McEntire, and Sara and Sean Watkins of Nickel Creek. Doing. Shakespeare. I was in the presence of such greatness. How did that happen?!

Yes, it seems to be the year of unemployment but I should remind myself that last time, unemployment only lasted a couple weeks. I bounced right back. And so I will again.

And frankly, because I was unemployed, it was the year I got to spend a blissful, happy week with my best friend on my favorite coast. 

Finally, it was a year of inspiration as I was continuously reminded of how loved I am:

On my teenagers wrote this for me:

"To my lovely, wonderful, incredible, amazing, (hang on, I have to whip out my thesaurus), astonishing, awe-inspiring, magnificent,... stunning, astounding advisor. Thank you. No other advisor would have freaked out and FedExed me elections stuff, or responded to my incessant emails so quickly and thoroughly, or sent me videos making fun of hipsters cause they knew it would make me happy, or emailed me asking if I was ok when I had a particularly depressing status, or any of the other awesome-tastic things you do that would take me a novel to name. I could not have done this... without you, so thank you oh so very much."

My best friend offered me this, which I keep close to my heart:

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. 
I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful,
and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."

And it was the year my mother sent me this e-mail that has stayed with me and makes me tear of with pride every time I reread it:

"Don't ever doubt your worth, you are... beautiful, intelligent, extremely talented... Don't ever think that all you have... is just a stroke of luck. It's because of how people perceive you inside and out..." 

Lastly, it was the year I was ever so thankful for this blog and you, my friends, because were you not here, I'd surely go crazy. Thank you for continuing to read my dribble and support me. I will endevor to write more frequently and more positively in 2012! 

P.S. (Assuredly up next, Quotes of the Year. Because I totally flaked on doing it in 2010 and am pissed at myself. So if I dit it for 2009 and 2008, but skipped a year, do I still get to call it annual? Crap.)

Borrowing from "Crazy Beautiful"

I beg the author's forgiveness for copying and pasting this but it was too good not to share with you. And I highlighted my favorite parts. 

 

Ten Rules for Fat Girls

September 9th, 2011

by Dianne Sylvan

You may not know this if you’re new to my work, but: I wrote an entire book on body image and spirituality a few years ago.  The whole subject is very important to me, but I haven’t written much about it lately because my focus has been on so many other things.  But then I got cable TV, and the old anger came a-flaring back up.

You see, I’m fat.  300 pounds of awesome from my double chin to my adorable toes. There’s no concealing this fact. My fat is out there. It speaks.  And it says “I am lovable and worthy just like I am, and fuck you if you disagree.”  I’ve spent a lot of time and effort removing myself from body disparagement zones and have gotten comfortable with the idea that people can look like anything and it’s all good…but then I accidentally read the comments on someone’s blog, or I see some article that makes my blood boil, and I remember how many people out there live in a state of perpetual self-denial, self-denigration, and self-destruction just because of their fat.

It is to those fat girls, and to all of us who need a refresher course in body acceptance, that I offer these Ten Rules.

1.  You are not obligated to be thin, healthy, or pretty.

It’s bad enough that our culture assigns moral value to foods:  celery is “good,” donuts are “bad.”  Now, being healthy is itself considered a sign of your moral fortitude.  Never mind the gap between the wealthy and poor and how that affects access to unprocessed food and the time and resources to exercise; never mind genetics or mental illness or stuff like, you know, character and behavior toward others.  Thin people equal healthy people and that means good people.

Here’s a thought I’m sure will shock people:  You don’t owe anyone good health.  You have sovereignty over your body and that means it is no one’s responsibility but your own.

Now, there are larger issues involved in our food supply such as workers’ rights, animal rights, and environmental devastation to be considered, but I can’t make other people’s food choices for them, and I wouldn’t allow anyone to make mine for me.  Evangelizing about any kind of diet or “health plan” is presumptuous and unlikely to make you any friends; showing that the way you live makes you happy is a far more effective long-term persuasive technique.

Let’s assume that being fat is morally reprehensible. Okay, fine. Let’s assume it’s the worst thing ever and every time a fat girl eats cake God kills a kitten. Whatever. How are shame and hatred going to fix that?  How is discrimination and making people loathe themselves going to make them healthier?  Obviously this doesn’t work or the number of overweight people would be rapidly declining, wouldn’t it, given how we’re treated? Has hate ever made anyone a better person?

Besides, how exactly does looking at someone tell you their state of health? There are millions of unhealthy thin people, but the automatic assumption is that they’re healthier than I am just based on my size.

We also have this idea that our bodies are only worth their value to other people. Guess what? MY VALUE AS WOMAN IS NOT DEPENDENT ON WHETHER OR NOT MEN WANT TO FUCK ME.

Even in the Pagan community where you’d think body acceptance would be assumed, there’s been a rise in anti-fat prejudice lately with all these really weird “you’re using up too many resources! Mother Earth is sad that you’re fat!” ideas behind them.  Of all the environmental issues that are mounting up today, that’s the one you have a conniption over?  You really think my big ass is worse for the Earth than Big Oil?  You need to sort out your priorities, Dances With Unicorns.

2.  Don’t talk shit about your body.

Aside from the fact that it makes conversations awkward, would you let a friend – or anyone – verbally abuse you?  Then why allow yourself to do it?

It’s hard to follow this rule given that body disparagement is not only the norm, it’s expected.  A group of women is supposed to talk about diets and shoes and how much they freaking love yogurt.  I’d rather listen to my relatives talk about Obama than my coworkers talk about calorie counts.  In such a situation you can:

A.  Change the subject
B.  Try to change people’s minds by making body positive statements (only do this if you like to argue)
C.  If you’re totally stuck, entertain yourself:  mentally replace words like “carbs” with “balls.”  It’s way more fun to listen to people discuss good balls versus bad balls and whether or not they’re getting enough balls.

Before making a statement about your body, ask yourself if you’d say the exact same thing to the kindest, gentlest friend you have.  If the answer is yes, I’d be surprised if you had any friends at all; you’re certainly no friend to yourself.

3. Don’t talk shit about other people’s bodies.

If you want the world to learn to love all sizes and shapes of women, you have to start with you.  It’s so much fun to gossip and snipe, isn’t it?  It’s what women are supposed to do!  We must tear each other down in order to eliminate competition for the oh-so-rare, elusive man-penis!

I’m not just talking about fat shaming, either.  “Go eat a sandwich” is as mean a thing to say as “go on a diet, fatty!”  Just like people don’t know anything about your health or history by the size of your body, you don’t know what a thin person has dealt with in her life either.  Everyone’s got problems – beautiful people are just as screwed up as everyone else.

Rules 2 and 3 are doubly important in front of young people.  Don’t let the cycle of shame continue with your daughter or niece or young friend.  End it here and now.

4.  Wear clothes that fit.

Viva la Revolucion!

It doesn’t matter what your style is, what your budget is, or what you think of your fat; wearing too-tight or too-big clothes will make you uncomfortable, and that discomfort will show in how you carry yourself.  It’s hard to be confident when you’re constantly yanking a wedgie.

Whatever you like to wear, find the size that fits you – you can move in it, sit down, bend over, walk, without having to stop and adjust every three steps. I’m not saying it’s easy to find attractive comfy clothes when you’re fat – it’s a nightmare.  For all that fat people are supposedly taking over the world, we must all be walking around naked, because we can’t find crap for clothes.  It’s part of that whole “we will make you thin by making your fat life miserable” thing, which is ridiculous (and doesn’t work).  If you find an article of clothing that you love, get more than one if you can.  I love v-neck black t-shirts, so when I found one in a nice Supima cotton on clearance I ordered five of them.

5.  Demand better treatment from healthcare professionals.

Your doctor is prey to the same forces of fat-hatred that you are every single day.  So it’s likely that regardless of your state of health at some point a doctor is going to recommend you lose weight.  I’ve had some doctors who went about it in far more acceptable ways than others – really it’s more the attitude than anything else. Coming from a cardiologist, it’s less ridiculous than coming from an allergist.  If your doctor is generally responsive to your needs and doesn’t force the issue it’s not as big a problem as, say, one refusing to treat you for anything until you’re thinner.

(Yes, this happens.  If you don’t believe it, you’re probably not fat.  The horror stories I’ve heard from fat people in the healthcare system are enough to make you sick.)

That claptrap about obese people being a strain on the economy is nonsense; cancer costs millions of dollars to research and treat but nobody’s suggesting we let cancer patients die to save money.  Since a lot of fat folks are uninsured thanks to our crackerjack health care system, we don’t get adequate care anyway.  It’s just another smokescreen to keep people fighting amongst themselves while the rich line their pockets with the profits of our self-loathing.

Remember this, though:  your doctor works for you.  He is performing a service.  There are thousands of doctors out there, so if yours is a jerk to you or tries to pull that “all your problems would vanish if you lost weight” crap, fire his ass and go somewhere else.

Here’s a question to ask when your doctor tries to tell you your sore throat, aching back, or the axe sticking out of your skull are due to your weight.  “If I were a thin person, what treatment would you prescribe?”

Seriously.  Statistics show that weight loss fails over the long-term 95% of the time. How many conditions can doctors get away with prescribing something with only a 5% success rate?  Yet dieting is considered a panacea.  You know what else has a 5% success rate in treating disease?  Bleeding someone to let the evil humours out.

You deserve respect and attention from your healthcare professionals regardless of your size.  Don’t accept abuse and condescension.  And certainly don’t pay for it.

6. Find a way to move.

Like I said, you’re not obligated to be healthy, but you probably want to be – there’s this weird thing we humans do where we don’t want to die or feel like crap if we don’t have to.  While the evidence directly linking being fat withillness is sketchy at best (studies have shown that active overweight people actually live longer than thin sedentary people), you’d be hard pressed to find evidence that disagrees with the idea that regular movement is good for you.  Our bodies weren’t designed for our modern lifestyle, and it shows in how we feel.  Exercise benefits body, mind, and emotions – and it can be fun, if you find the right kind.

I’m not talking about torturing yourself with some “work out until you vomit” bullshit (people do know that throwing up is a symptom of illness, not a badge of honor, right?); I’m talking about getting up and moving around a little every day.  Even supersized folk have options.  Walk around your house a few times.  Put on your favorite song and dance to it.  I know it’s hard to leave the house and exercise when you’re fat – aside from any physical limitations you might have, people are assholes.   Despite the fact that we’re supposed to lose weight to be acceptable, we’re mocked when we are seen sweating.  But even if you don’t go to a gym (lord knows I don’t) or attend classes, try to move more.  You’ll feel better.

Just don’t go into it expecting to lose weight.  Move to enjoy life more.  Move because dancing is fun or because you love playing touch football with your kids.  Maybe you’ll lose weight by being more active, maybe not – but you’ll definitely feel better and have more fun.

7. Stand up for yourself.

Fat people are expected to just take whatever abuse is heaped on us because there’s something wrong with us that everyone – everyone – knows how to fix.  It’s assumed that we’re stupid, as if our whole lives were lived in a cave full of cake and we’ve just been waiting for a random stranger to deliver the Skinny Gospel.

“Oh my God.  Calories in and calories out – that’s it?  THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO IT? OH MY S WEET JESUS I’M CURED!  WHY HASN’T ANYONE EVER TOLD ME?”

You don’t have to take it.  You don’t deserve it.  You are a human being worthy of love and respect.  I’ll keep saying that until you hear me.

Even if you’re not quick-witted enough to come up with a retort to every insult, you can get a lot of mileage out of making eye contact with an asshole and saying, “Excuse me?” Bullies of all kinds tend to wilt when challenged in front of others.  Fix the spotlight on them and watch their power go poof.  Powerful women scare the hell out of weak-minded dickweasels.

I’ve had more trouble with strangers than loved ones, but family and friends can be even harder to deal with because it’s assumed they mean well and want the best for you.  It’s also assumed, as I’ve said, that everyone knows what’s best for you but you.

“Aunt Gertrude, I appreciate that you’re concerned about my health, but I am healthy and am happy with my appearance.  Please respect that I don’t want to discuss my size.”

Often strangers will try to pass off their cruelty as concern.  Don’t be fooled. What they’re saying isn’t “I care about your health, total stranger, for I am a concerned citizen.” it’s “I find your body unacceptable and you should feel ashamed because I am insecure.”

The popular idea in psychology is that fat people are “shielding themselves” from something using their bodies.  We’re pushing away our emotions, stuffing our pain, et cetera.  That may be true for some people, but assuming it’s true for every fat person is as irresponsible as assuming every physical ailment comes from fat.

Although in my case, my fat is a great insulator.  It helps keep idiots out of my life. 

8.  Deal with your fat.

Don’t pretend to be skinny if you’re not.  Take up space.  It’s okay. You’re not fooling anyone by sucking in your gut anyway.

We tend to gloss over an important aspect of fatness:  fat hygiene.  That stupid stereotype about fat people being smelly comes from a few people who don’t pay attention to the needs of their fat. Don’t punish yourself for being fat by treating your body like garbage.

Wash your fat.  More importantly, dry it.  When you get out of the shower make sure you’re dry under your fat rolls and between your legs and breasts.  Make sure you’re wiping your ass adequately.  Do not fall victim to the perils of Swamp Ass.  There are unhygienic people in every size, but if you’ve got more flesh you might need to spend more time attending to it.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  You’re saving yourself a lot of discomfort.  If you get rashes from sweating in the heat, apply powder or try to find workout clothes designed to wick moisture.  If I wear a skirt, which is rare, I put tights underneath it to avoid getting heat blisters on my thighs.

If your chair is too small, find a bigger one.  If the seat at the movies is pinching you, put up the armrest and take up two spaces.  Ask for a seatbelt extender on the plane.  You can also get them for your car – they should be free from your dealership since they’re safety equipment.

Touch yourself.  You’re not gross.  If you’re doing yoga and your belly’s in your way, take hold of it and shift it.  I’m serious.  Most people don’t think about that, but it can really help – touch your flesh.  It’s yours.  You grew it; you own it.  Don’t be afraid of your body. Often because we are heirs to such body shame, we avoid getting to know our flesh, so when something does go wrong we don’t realize it until it’s really serious.

9.  There are worse things in the world than being fat.

I’ve heard quite a few thin women say things like, “Thank God I’m not fat.  I’d kill myself.”  Or “getting fat would be the worst thing.”

Oh?  Worse than child abuse, genocide, homophobia, or being allergic to chocolate?  Worse than being an asshole?  Worse than treating people like crap because of how they look?

Is being fat worse than being an ignorant bigot?  Worse than being a murderer?  Worse than drowning kittens?  Amebic dysentery?  Losing a loved one?  Losing a limb?

Hating yourself is pretty damn awful too.  Trust me, it’s way worse than being fat.

10.  Don’t expect to feel awesome about yourself every single day forever.

This one hit me hard after I had written an entire book on body image and, despite all my effort, still had periodic wars with the mirror.  Even knowing every rule on this list, I still have days when I have a hard time loving myself.

Given the world we live in, it’s really quite a revolutionary act to love yourself at all, even for a single hour.  With the constant bombardment of not-good-enough messages out there it’s bound to happen, so don’t judge yourself for occasional negative body thoughts.  Just gently bring yourself out of it and remember you are more than a number on a scale, more than a body at all.

If you challenge your assumptions, day by day you silence your inner critics.  This takes time and constant effort, but the reward is a happier life and often a healthier one.  Every journey has its pitfalls, though, and sometimes you fall flat on your face.  Even full grown adults can still be toddlers.

This is where affirmations can be really useful.  Look yourself in the eye every day and tell yourself you refuse to measure your life by your BMI. Tell yourself you are loved – because you are, I promise – and accepted exactly as you are no matter what, and that even if you’re not strong enough to believe it every day, it’s still true, and that truth will be there when you can reach out and grasp it. 

Remember you cannot leave a mark on the world without taking up space.

Source: http://diannesylvan.com/?p=1358

Support the author's other works: http://amzn.to/vkaboH 

Holy Moly, it's DECEMBER!

Where, oh where, did 2011 go? 

It's pretty fair to say that this time, last year, I did not know which way was up or down, or how I would make it through. On this date last year, I was healing from a biopsy, unaware that my grandfather would pass away in four days...

It's astonishing to me. He's been gone for a year. 

November 2012 will be 20 years since my grandma passed. 20 years! I don't know if you ever get used to these things. In my heart, I still often feel like it happened only days ago. 

But I - somewhat depressively - digress. 

Where was I in the month of November, you may ask? I was working. A LOT. In my chosen profession, November and December kick off the busiest season and it pretty much stays super busy through about mid-March. I'm enjoying the bustle of it but crave a vacation. Something that involves a hammock and a soft breeze. Maybe one of those fruity drinks with a little umbrella. Another perk to my profession - it typically shuts down during the week of Christmas. I get a whole week off. I can hardly wait. 

Never mind that my body just about gave out on me. I've been sick since October, off and on. Wretched sinuses and a seemingly never-ending cough. Migraines and stomach aches. New food allergies. I have to wonder if all the turmoil of the past 18 months is just finally catching up to me. I've tried so hard to fight against it and be strong. 

I should also confess (hey look, the name of the blog is CONFESSIONS of...) that my diet has become irregular, inconsistent and failing. I eat lunch at off times of the day and that's only after MAYBE having breakfast. I eat dinner out too often and recently came to the realization that there is more vodka than food in my freezer (I actually see nothing wrong with this). That said, I've lost a bit of weight. Apparently, I just need to be an unhealthy wreck for wieght loss to REALLY take hold... I'm considering one of those food delivery services for 2012. 

In what little free time I wrangle, I enjoy online window shopping, making a dent in my DVR, and obsessively combing through Pinterest.

My friends remain the light of my life as well as the teens I volunteer with, who I insistantly make time for and love with all my heart. I can't believe a cold-hearted kid-hater like me turns to under-eighteens for cheering up in the tough times. 

I just can't believe how quickly this year went by. I am bracing myself for what awaits me in 2012. I hppe for good things. 

A Flashback Shocker -- Those Were the Days...