This one's for my mom, y'all.
Dear retailers of America, but especially here in Los Angeles...
Yeah, I'm looking at you Michael's, CVS, Hallmark, Papyrus and most major supermarkets!
WHERE ARE THE HANUKKAH DECORATIONS?!
Let's break this down. There are six million Jews in the United States. Over 600,000 in Los Angeles. If you're not into math, that means almost 5% of all Jews in the world live here in LA, people. That's a lot. We're not the biggest religious population, but think about just how big the world is. Really think about it. Think about how many cities there are in the U.S. 5% of all the Jews in the WORLD live HERE.
Wanna hear something even CRAZIER? In Agoura Hills, where I spent my formative years, where over 20,000 people live, 60% of the population is Jewish. 60%! Now I'm not a mathematician, but I think that's a pretty clear majority. (And for the record, I'm not even exaggerating. I did my research - they make census results public.)
And if you wanna be stereoypical, we're a spendy people, folks. That's right, we love to shop. We love our holidays. We love them because most of the time (up yours, Yom Kippur), it means we get to eat delicious food and we Jews love to eat.
So I ask you again, retailers, WHERE ARE THE HANUKKAH DECORATIONS?!
Well, I'll tell you where they are. They're at Michael's on a back wall behind the ginormous fake flower section. They're in CVS at the end of an aisle, taking up 2 feets of space on about three shelves. They're in the market on a rack hastily put out among an entire aisle of tinsel, stockings, lights and pine tree scented room spray.
They are nowhere, people.
What's more, the salespeople and store managers are either SUPER apologetic about it when they don't know where to look in their own store OR they're completely indignant about it (as in "who cares, let me show you some delightful Christmas wrapping paper").
Oh yes, let's not forget wrapping paper. I mean, in case you hadn't heard, Hanukkah kind of involves presents. Now I'm not trying to tell you that's what it's all about. It has an amazing, historical background story with a miracle ending - literally. But it's about presents as much as, if not more than, Christmas is. And for a longer period of time! So dear god, for the love of latkes, put some Hanukkah wrapping paper on your shelves. Throw us a bone! Maybe something cute and colorful that DOESN'T have Santa on it.
Don't do it for me. Do it for my mom. Cause she' awesome and she always decorates the house for the holidays. And I totally took her giant paper dreidel when I moved out so she probably needs a new one. PLUS, she wants to give me presents and it would be way more fun to unwrap them than just reach into a plastic bag and pull one out...
I'm serious, guys. Cause the next thing that will happen is we Jews will take all of our holiday money and spend it online. And we'll like it so much that we'll start buying other things online. We'll start buying EVERYTHING online. And it may not affect big businesses in the heart of Los Angeles, but in Agoura and Westlake and Calabasas, without 60% of the population buying your stuff, you guys are gonna shut down. You'll be really sad about it and you might cry a little. And who's gonna dry your tears? Not us Jews!
I'm a realist, people. I'm not asking for a shopping mall to shut down overnight and put up a 2000 square-foot Haunkkah village (although, that'd be friggin' AWESOME). I'm just asking for some variety. Some choices. I'm asking you to earn my respect and my business.
Hanukkah is about miracles, people. Make it happen.
Love, AJ
