CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

My Night with Wilson Phillips

Friday night, I saw the Rolling Stones in concert. It was epic. One of the best concerts I've ever seen, in fact.

But really, it plaes in comparison to the concert I saw the next night -- these badasses:

I know. You're jealous. I'm sorry, but I had to share.

Mick? Keith? No, no. Give me Chyna, Wendy and Carnie. 

And I guess to be fair, they look more like this now:

Wendy Wilson (left) has FOUR sons, you guys. FOUR! I had no idea. 

In all seriousness, though, they're hilarious. I guess a group of  girls who have known each other that long would be. And they sound terriffic. I couldn't believe how many singles they had -- I guess I'd forgotten. And I knew every single one. I'm not gonna lie. We had a GREAT time. It was good, poppy fun. I wish more people had gotten out of their seats to dance. 

 

 

A Touch of the Blues

I want you all to know I wrote the headline of this post about 19 times before I finally gave up. So that said, please just ignore whatever it's called. Know that I hate it but didn't want to title it "untitled." I just couldn't figure out how to articulate what I wanted to write about in a few words.

I was dating someone for a little while. And then I wasn't anymore.

And I'm not really writing because I got dumped - which I didn't - or because I think we made the wrong decision - we didn't. But I've found in just the last couple of days, even though we broke up a while ago, that I'm really sad about it. There's this little cliched rain cloud following me around.

It's just so foreign to me to feel this way. Do I miss him? I don't know. Do I miss the idea of him? Maybe. The truth is, we were doomed before we started and maybe I should have thrown in the towel sooner. Maybe I did the wrong thing even sooner than I realize. Maybe I should have been tougher or firmer. Or softer and more in touch with my emotions. I am going to make myself crazy thinking about this for a while, I'm sure. 

The truth is, I just handled the whole thing terribly. The start, the middle and the end. And I think, ultimately, that is what is making me sad. That's the cloud. It's the guilt and knowing that I have no one to blame but myself. When you see something coming and you let it happen anyway, isn't that the basic truth? Blame yourself? 

I have a birthday next week and it's making me sick to my stomach. The hazy loom of a day that inevitably reminds me I've aged another year without accomplishing a myriad of things I thought I'd do by now.

I'm going to read this entry back over later and hate its melodrama and consider deleting it but I promised myself I'd get back to this being a more personal blog so you're just going to have to bear with me for a moment while I get this off my chest. And I hope you understand that in doing so, I'm only trying to free myself of it and move on. Not be a martyr. 

The Best Lei of my Life

I'm starting a movement. 

I mean, if it only stays here on my blog and maybe earns a couple retweets, I'm fine with that but you should all get on board because, well, quite frankly, everyone needs to get lei'd today.

It began with this email:

 

That's alohaislandlei.com, everyone. Check it out.

 I mean.....

Look, I've gotten some pretty clever pitches in my time. Let's never forget the turkey baster pitch (seriously, it was epic), but this just cracked me up. Mostly because I have the mind of a thirteen year old boy 98% of the time but also because, how the hell do you review a lei?

Well, I know some ways...

Amused and confused, I took to my favorite group, the SoCal Lady Bloggers, for advice. And hilarity ensued. In the end, we all realized the BEST way to write this post was by using the frickin' solid gold material they all provided for me. 

AJ: Did anyone get an email today asking them to review a lei?! So random. How do you review a lei? "It hung well off my neck..." I can't figure out if I should take it seriously....

Melissa:  LOL. I'd do "i had a really good time getting lei'd".

Lizza:  Bahaaaa!! The actor side of me is wicked inspired to do a skit on this.  If so inclined could you send me the text of the email...

Michele: Lizza, can we all be in the skit if we promise to get lei'd too??

Megan:  I take it because graduation season is coming? Heck, I'd wear that sucker all day! I love leis.

Megan:  Reviewing a lei could be an amazing comedic blog. I dare you.

Melissa:  I wonder what they're thinking, on the other side of the desk, as they are sending out these pitches.

Megan:  Well, they didn't say what kind of review...  I'm thinking of the options. “I got these great shoes and got lei'd!” “I just delivered a baby and got lei'd!” “My kid threw a major tantrum in the grocery store and I got lei'd!”

Carolyn:  AJ:  - you should pitch her having a whole bunch of bloggers wear them around town... it can be called "Lei Day".

Melissa:  "Lei Day Lei Day! BLOGGER DOWN!!!"

Melissa:  Can your blog post just be all of our responses?

Beverly:  I wanna get lei'd. I haven't been lei'd for a really, really long time. Nothing like a good lei to bring a smile to your face.

Melissa:  The last time I was lei'd was grad school, 2009.

AJ:  I'm not sure I've ever been properly lei'd.

Beverly:  There are regular lei's, and there are extraordinary lei's. THIS was a never-to-be-forgotten lei. (See, the copy writes itself.)

Melissa:  OMG seriously I wonder if the only other person in my office is wondering why the hell I’m giggling so hard at my desk.

AJ:  Here's the big question -- can I lei myself or do I need to recruit someone to lei me? I'm not sure what best practice is....

Melissa:  What's proper etiquette? Should you ask someone experienced first? Or also grab a first time lei'er?

Carolyn:  Well, it's much for fun to be lei'd by someone else... but do what feels right to you AJ: .

Melissa:  What if you sneak attacked a lei on someone? Should that be in public or private?

Beverly:  Is there appropriate music? I'm thinking Dylan's "Lay Lady Lay" would set the proper mood.

Lizza:  Thank you for the morning laugh. This was a great lei to start my day!

Carolyn:  Damn it! I'm supposed to be packing.

AJ:  I hate it when a good lei distracts me from what I'm supposed to be doing.

Melissa:  A good lei makes me wanna ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Megan:  I'm imagining drunk college kids randomly lei’ing surprised strangers everywhere with those cheap plastic leis. This needs to be a thing.

Melissa:  This will SO become a thing. Forget FlashMobs.

AJ:  Flash Leis!!!!!

Beverly:  Okay, ladies, where can I GET a cheap lei? Because suddenly I need one?

Melissa:  Um, AJ:'s gonna write the rep and say she needs 300 of them.

AJ:  Hahahahahaha - OMG. "I NEED 300 LEIS SOOOOO BAD, MAN. I GOTTA GET MY FIX."

Ann:  This is just the thing I needed to see today! LOL, I wanna get #Leid too!

Beverly:  EVERYONE needs a good lei.

Megan:  I think I have some plastic leis from a party left over. I am plotting...

Mary:  How the f$&? do you review a lei?? "It smells pretty. Wish I was in Hawaii instead of working."

Jamie:  Too funny!!!   Today is actually "Lei Day" in Hawaii!! I had no idea until it was shared with me today... #GetLeid I love that hashtag.

Jamie:  PS: I did get "lei'd" today.

Mary:  A daytime lei is such a treat....

Megan:  Jamie did the horizontal hula! #gotleid has so made my day today.

Carolyn:  Just read this thread to my husband... I could barely get through it 'cause I was laughing so hard. He said, "That's your blog post right there." He thinks you should just copy the entire thread, AJ.

AJ:  Unless anyone objects, Carolyn, I think you're right. I'll have to steal from all y'all. And BY THE WAY, the lei guy never even wrote me back when I told him I was interested. Isn't that just like a man? Tease me with a lei and then withhold it. Ass.

Carolyn:  AJ, most likely if he did get back to you, the lei would be disappointing. Few men know how to give a lei properly.

We're hilarious. And keep in mind that this is an edited version. I had about five pages of this genius.

But I thought on it a while and ultimately, this is how I would review a lei. Take it as you wish.

It's not very often a lei shows up on your doorstep. I immediately pressed my face to it, eager to inhale its delightful aroma. Better yet, it fot like a glove. I mean, there's nothing worse than a poor-fitting, stinky lei. It's even more terrible when they're itchy. I was wholly satisfued with this lei and I highly recommend everyone go to the website immediately to get a lei of their own. Leis for everyone! Leis for graduation! Leis for Mother's Day! The possibilities are endless. Leis work for every ocassion. 

FYI, as of yet, the pitcher has not responded to my reply. I am pretty disappointed because after all this, I was really looking forward to a good freebie. Mail order leis could be the next big thing, you know... 

You'll notice that not ONCE did I write "get your head out of the gutter" in this post. You're welcome.