I've learned so much about online dating over the years. Mostly I've learned that its a crapshoot. As I've obviously been utilizing it for years, it's clearly not working out for me thus far. I know other people that have quickly met a match. I know some people who married someone they met via a dating website.
Here is something else -- online dating, if nothing else, really hones your bull-shit-meter. Because here is what else I now know:
- A "restaurant consultant" or "food services professional" is probably a waiter.*
- "My mother is temporarily living with me" means "I live at home." It also means "I do not have my act together."
- Apparently "Hey Sexy" is a very popular - albeit unacceptable - conversation starter.
And all of that I could understand. I mean, I work in PR so if anyone is gonna applaud a little spin, it's gonne be me. (But dear lord, guys, just tell me you're a waiter. I don't care. "Food service professional" is a ridiculous term.)
So here's the thing, gentlemen. And I want you to pay attention because this is some quality advice I'm about to lay down. Learn it well.
STOP LYING ABOUT YOUR HEIGHT.
Seriously! I'm gonna level with you -- there are a lot of things you can lie to us about. A lot. You live with mom? Mom does your laundry? Do you wait tables at Denny's part time while you work on a script that is sure to make you the next Tarantino? Perhaps you have a closet of porn at home....
You can tell me a lot of things. And I will have to take you at your word. But I'm only a hair udner five-feet-seven-inches. I know this because I get measured annually by a very compitent physician. And I wear a lot of very flat shoes. And I know how tall my mother, father and brother are. So when I meet you in person, one of the very first things I notice about you, outside of your great butt and smoldering eyes (if you're lucky), is how tall you truly are.
That's right! Within seconds of our first encounter, I'm gonna know if you're Honest Abe, or a dirty, stinkin' height-fibber.
You can't even hide it. You can't fake it. Even if you're gonna put in lifts, wear a dress shoe with a slight heel. I'm checking. I have a couple academic degrees under my belt and I feel like this qualifies me on paper to know when 5'10" is really 5'7". I'm just sayin'.
Will I date a short guy? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. But I won't date a guy that proves himself a liar or a moron inside of 30 seconds of meeting. First impressions are a big deal no matter what you try to tell yourself.
Does this make me shallow? Maybe. But at least I'm being honest. Which is more than I can say for you, liar-liar-pants-on-fire.
Also, I am the epitome of maturity. You're welcome.
* No offense to waiters intended. I'm sure you're universally nice people.
