CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

They Came, The Spoke, They Kicked Ass - 2013's Best Quotes

Skipping the typical "What's Up, Friday?" post so I can do this instead. As I am apt to do each year, I give you the year in notable quotables. Because I love to look back at sound bites, Pinteresty quote images, and hilarious moments on "The Daily Show." :)

Note: This could have very easily just been a post filled with Kanye West quotes. But I resisted. Everyone else seems to be doing it for me anyway.

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"This is our fucking city. And nobody is going to dictate our freedom."
-David Ortiz, Boston Red Sox  

The Daily Show
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"My sister is a fucking G." -Solange Knowles

"Bo, stop trying to make fetch happen."   -The White House

"Bill and Melinda Gates offer $1 mil to fund the 'next generation condom.' If successful, it would mark 1st time Microsoft stopped a virus." -The Daily Show

"The hills were alive with the sound Of DiGiorno Pizza last night." -NPR on DiGiorno's live tweeting brilliance throughout NBC's Sound of Music Live broadcast

"We are all Marshmallows." -"Veronica Mars" creator Rob Thomas

 "I'm nice! Everyone thinks I'm going to be a cow. I understand it actually. I think the same when I see the pictures.” -Victoria Beckham

“Listen, we’re all possibly Frank Sinatra’s son.” –Ronan Farrow

“The federal statute is invalid, for no legitimate purpose overcomes the purpose and effect to disparage and injure those whom the State, by its marriage laws, sought to protect in personhood and dignity. By seeking to displace this protection and treating those persons as living in marriages less respected than others, the federal statute is in violation of the Fifth Amendment.”
-Supreme Court Justice Anthony M. Kennedy

"I seriously felt like a coward. These kids are standing up for themselves and changing the world, and I'm 25, I have a platform and a voice to be a role model. How much of a coward was I to not step up to the plate?" -MLS player Robbie Rogers on returning to the game after coming out of the closet

"If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?" -The Pope

"Lean in." -Sheryl Sandberg

“Twenty years from now, if there is some obscure Trivial Pursuit question, I am confident I will be the answer.” -Texas Republican Sen. Ted Cruz

"Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine. Have I tried it? Um, probably in one of my drunken stupors." -Toronto Mayor Rob Ford

"I only say dirty things to Siri. I wanna see what she says back. That bitch is crazy." -Aisha Tyler

"There is nothing more reassuring than knowing that the world is crazier than you are." -Thor: The Dark World

"The thing that keeps you grounded is doing the thing that you love." -Tom Hiddleston

 

“I was the Justin Bieber of the ’70s. Really. Ask your mother.” -Barry Manilow

"What are you going to do? Be hungry every single day to make people happy? That's just dumb." -Jennifer Lawrence

“I was Hannah Montana’s mother … Where did I go wrong?” -Brooke Shields

“Now that I’m 80, I do whatever the fuck I want.” -Joan Collins

"Don't be creepy... Don't be creepy... Don't be creepy..." -Warm Bodies

The Daily Show
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Ok, ok - one more and then I'll stop. 

The Colbert Report
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• The Year in Quotes 2012
• 2011 Notable Quotables

Everyone's Ho-Ho-Ho Today

I got excited and posted my holiday cards pretty early. So what can I do today to wish you all a happy ho-ho-holiday?

Well, first of all, let's just say it: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! I mean, I'm Jewish and it certainly doesn't offend me when someone wishes me a merry Christmas. All they're trying to do is wish you well and offer some cheer. How can that ever offend anyone? You know what offends me more, actually? When someone looks at me and assumes what religion I am and says "oh, your holiday is over, right?"

But enough whining from me -- I've done plenty of that for y'all this year. I wanted to post my favorite holiday tunage. Songs that make me smile this time of year and I hope they do the same for you. 

I like the Mariah Carey version, too, but I love Love Actually so much, I went with this one:

 

I'm not sure this is a very popular song - I can never find it anywhere. But I love it:

 

New this year -- I always bounce a knee. Well done, Kelly Clarkson.

 

I've always loved this. And I love that Bing Crosby has a Vevo channel. He'd find it abhorent.

 

I can't even handle how much 80s awesomeness is packed into this video. The 2004 version isn't bad if you like British pop stars like I do, too. Except the part where they rap about the hopeless.

 

Much merriment and eggnog to one and all. I love you all, crazy blog readers. 

 

Announcing the Newly Annual #Menday Man of the Year Survey

This was such a hard post, you guys. But I've poured over every. single. hot guy photo of this year's Menday posts and based on your feedback, comments, likes, tweets and so forth, I've narrowed it down to the five most desirable Mendays. 

So feast your eyes on the fellas below and let me know in the comments -- who should be the 2013 Menday Man of the Year?

Comment with your vote below! The struggle is real.

Quote of the Day

When I heard this quote in the trailer for Her, I smiled.

2013: The Year of Jimmy and Jimmy

Be ready for some awesome videos, y'all. I promise you this post will be an awesome time-suck but it's perfect for all your Friday procrastination needs. 

Across all of my "What's Up, Friday?" posts this year, you probably caught on that I'm a big fan of clever viral videos. And this year, no one kicked more ass in that area than Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon.

I can't even decide who did it better. How do you choose between Kindergaten-style music remixes and the most epic Twerk prank ever? 

All I can do is share with you, fine readers, the best of their genius. When Fallon takes over the 11:35pm slot in 2014, I expect it to get even better. (Also, how pumped am I for him to host SNL this weekend with Justin Timberlake? You know that's going to me amazing.)

First up: LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON

1. Jimmy Fallon, Joseph Gordon Levitt and Stephen Merchant 

2.  "Blurred Lines" as played with toys you probably had at age five

 

3. Jimmy, Miley and The Roots - Amazeballs Wrecking Balls

 

4. Anytime they play "Water Wars," "Egg Roulette," "Sticky Balls," etc.

 

5. Timberweek

 

And not to be outdone, JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE:

1. Arguably the best viral video prank EVER

 

2. He does it every year but it's still hilarious - The Candy Monster strikes again

 

3.  Celebs and Mean Tweets

 

4. Benedict Cumberbatch brings the R. Kelly

 

5. The video that finally made me love Channing Tatum

 

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What's it been - half an hour you've spent on this post watching videos? Yeah, you're welcome. 

Now go back to work you lazy, procrastinating jerk. 

What's Up, Friday -- With a Vengeance

As I just proclaimed my love of Die Hard for all to see, I thought the title of this post was appropriate, n'cest pas? (That's French, bitches. I'm tres fancy.)

I survived the lung plague. I have a little cough left, but it's not killing me. My goodness, I was really sick this time, you guys. I know I keep mentioning it -- but it just really threw me. So yeah, I"m better - much better - and the even better news is, I still got to go to Las Vegas with four fellow bloggers and friends. 

AND HOORAY! It's FRIDAY! Not just any Friday -- you see, after today, my office is closed until January 6. So if anyone needs me, I will be alternating between watching movies, strolling about sans pants, napping, and eating copious amounts of Christmas cookies and sushi (not at the same time, I swear -- I'm just on a huge sushi kick right now). 

1. Vegas happened. I has a blast. Vegas is basically spitting distance for us in LA - I've been a lot. But this time I was very touristy and I have a new respect for the city having experienced so many fun acitivities that had nothing to do with gambling or drinking. Expect many posts about the awesome things I got to do there. 

2. I'm totally obsessed with the Sprint commercials starring James Earl Jones and Malcolm McDowell. 

 

There are six spots total. Enjoy.

3. This week on NBC's finale of "The Voice," Lady Gaga sang her single "Do What You Want With my Body" with Christina Aguilera and it is all kinds of camp and fabulousness. I don't know if I'm crazy -- you watch it and tell me if you also think it's amazing:

 

4. This guy. When Kevin Cotter's wife of 12 years left him, she, of course, moved her possessions out of their home in Tucson, AZ, but left only one thing: her wedding dress, preserved in his closet. When Cotter asked her what he should do with the pricey garment, she had only one response:

“Whatever the $%^@# you want.”

And so he did. He wore the dress hunting, used it as a shower curtain, a hammock... He tied it to his car and towed another car with it for a full mile... A footrest, a canopy, a doormat... His marriage may have ended but it remains the gift that keeps on giving. His blog is hugely popular and his book, 101 Uses for My Ex-Wife's Wedding Dress is for sale everywhere. 

5. Everyone seems to be super crazy about something the "Duck Dynasty" guy said to GQ Magazine about homosexuals. Point being - he doesn't approve of them. I mean, I obviously disagree with him, and I guess I understand the uproar. But would we all be flipping out if he said "gays are awesome and I want to hug one immediately" or made a benign unaffiliated comment about it? Maybe I'm missing some part of it - I'm honestly not sure. I'm admittedly under-informed on the whole thing. But my Facebook feed is filled with it and I just keep thinking about this:

"You want free speech? Let's see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil, who's standing center stage and advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours. You want to claim this land as the land of the free? Then the symbol of your country can't just be a flag; the symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest. Show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your classrooms. Then, you can stand up and sing about the 'land of the free.'"

-The American President

Let's get Ho-Ho-Hosed and be Naughty!

Let me tell you a sad, sad holiday story. But fear not -- like all good holiday tales, there is a happy ending! 

This is a story about a precious little Jewish girl who naturally celebrated Hanukkah and was, for so very long, deprived of Eggnog, a beloved, traditional Christmas beverage. 

In her twenty-third year, our heroine moved into an apartment with a nice, Christmas-loving roommate. For the first time in her life, she enjoyed the glow of a Christmas tree in her home, stockings hung on the bookshelf (I don't have a mantle, per se) and, at long last, the sweet, glorious taste of Eggnog. 

Just a "dash" of liquor later, I was hooked. It's delicious. Sure, it's sweet, creamy and yummy on its own, but give me a shot of bourbon, brandy or rum and I'm your huckleberry. 

One of the coolest brands I got to work with this year was Ivanabitch Vodka and I am delighted they have come back into my life with "Naughty Nog."  

Like their vodka, the Nog is produced and bottled in The Netherlands and available nationwide. Thankfully, Naughty Nog, which is 15 percent alcohol (HELLO!) takes the guess work out of proper mixing and is made with rum, vodka, real cream and eggs with a smooth finish. It’s worth the average $13 per bottle price – it is good, y’all. 

Heading to any holiday parties this weekend? Christmas Eve celebrations? Christmas morning feasts? Naughty Nog is the perfect thing to stop and grab to bring with you. 

What a relief to have lived and loved eggnog at last. 

More from Ivanabitch:

• Official website (must be over 21 to enter)
• Twitter & Facebook
• Pinterest & Instagram

FTC disclosure: In exchange for my honest and ever-sassy review of their product, Ivanabitch's PR gurus provided me with a bottle to taste test. Being a blogger is so awesome, you guys. *hiccup*

Sorry Buzzfeed, Die Hard is TOTALLY a Christmas Movie!

The world is upside down and inside out -- say it ain't so!

Buzzfeed has demanded: "Stop Saying 'Die Hard' is a Christmas Movies!" 

Well, first of all, the grammar police are on the line and they've asked me to remind you that film titles are italicized, not put in quotation marks. But be that as it may, I completely disagree with them. Die Hard (see? Italics.) is totally a Christmas movie. 

For starters, it takes place on Christmas Eve at a friggin' Christmas party! The party attendees are taken hostage by German Professor Snape (Apologies to Alan Rickman, it's just how I roll) but they have nothing to fear because NYPD Officer John McClane has just arrived to town in order to try and reconcile with his estranged wife - who is at said party. 

Amid the lights and tinsel and egg nog, innocent business colleagues and friends are battling for their lives. And - SPOILER! - in the end, McClane saves the day, wins his wife back, and at last meets his new LAPD bestie in person, the dad from "Family Matters."

True meaning of Christmas! BAM! Triumph? Love conquering all? Friendship? Loyalty? Kicking German ass? My god, people - if that's not Christmas, what is?! 

 

P.S. Die Hard 2? Also a totally viable Christmas movie. 

Now wait - cause I also must confess to you that while I LOVE Die Hard and some of its offspring (I'm still in denial the most recent sequel ever happened - what was that horrible thing?), this is not even my favorite Christmas flick. I mean, I love Die Hard and Christmas isn't complete to me without it, but the honor really belongs to The Ref. (I also love Home for the Holidays but it's really more of a Thanksgiving movie.) And Scrooged. I cannot get enough of it this time of year. The list goes on. Elf, Love Actually...

In truth, I love a lot of Christmas movies. I really do. Take a look below - is your favorite there? Which one is it? Which one did I leave out? (Forgive me for leaving out some super obvious ones like It's a Wonderful Life. I had to make hard choices!)