CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

Look Out Kids: Disney's Gonna Make Us All Gay (Supposedly)

Steps up to mic, takes a swig of vodka... 

This thing on?

Yesterday, Melissa Dell sent me this article (not because she supported it -- because she knew I'd appreciate how completely insane it is). And while I hate to give this woman any site traffic by linking to it, I'd hate even more to copy and paste the entire diatribe because it turns my stomach.

That said, I'll quote you some of it in case you want to spare your precious eyes from its offensiveness. 

"The gay agenda to normalize homosexuality is woven into Disney's movie Frozen not just as an underlying message - it is the movie. In a liberal culture tenacious at normalizing immorality, stripping those of faith from their ability to speak out in opposition, this needs to be taken seriously..."

Right away I'm turned off because she's clearly using big words in effort to sound deep or more knowledgeable so let's put her ridiculous conspiracy theory aside for a second and just address right up front that she's a terrible writer. 

"However, as light and dark, or fear and faith cannot exist in the same space, good and evil do, here in mortality. Therefore, we must be wise - especially parents. When good is used to advance evil, we must reject it and state why, if we desire to be light."

I'm sorry, what? I don't know about you guys but I have fears and faith, hope and worry, good and evil... I mean, these things all exist in one place. Isn't that the very essence of humanity? And if good is used to advance evil... is it still good? In other words, WHAT THE HELL IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?!

"If you feel you've been duped by the surface story of the movie Frozen, try not to feel too bad..."

Um..... 

"The way in which Frozen wraps up the false doctrine perpetuated throughout the film, is as skillfully done as I have ever seen it, which makes calling it out and not being labeled crazy difficult..."

Yeah, those crafty little homos at Disney, man. They sure know how to weave the gay agenda into an animated feature. She goes onto say how she's also seen Frozen three times. Not because she wanted to, though. Because she promised three sets of grandchildren she would take them to see it. I don't even know how she's even living with herself now that she has all these gay grandchildren. 

"Let me be very clear about one thing, I am not anti-gay nor am I here to judge homosexuals not worthy of their rightful and respectful place among society."

No, no, of course not.

She goes on to summarize the movie (so, you know, SPOILER ALERT!) and point out every moment that is laden with this supposed homosexual/ liberal media agenda (I swear Sarah Palin's ghost wrote some of her post). For example, when Queen Elsa rejects Anna's desire to marry Prince Hans, it is totally because heterosexuals do not value the sanctity of traditional marriage, not because, as she says in the movie, Anna just met Hans about four hours prior. 

As the sisters begin to argue and their discussion comes to its boiling point, Elsa lashes out, unable to conceal her power anymore, causing her to panic and flea from the palace. The blogger points out that this is a clear symbol of a woman with a homosexual agenda trapped and constrained by the power she has, her homosexuality, considering herself "frozen" in her forced hetero life. 

Well, you know what happens next. She sings "Let it go," the biggest gayest coming out song ever. 

Or, you know, maybe it's just a song about overcoming fear and trying to find yourself - whatever kind of person you are, straight, gay, liberal or conservative. 

And here is what it all boils down to, you guys. Disney's Frozen is loosely based on a Hans Christian Anderson fairy tale called "The Snow Queen" that was written in 1845. It is the story of a little boy and a little girl who encounter a powerful snow queen. It's a classic "good versus evil" story written by a guy who was born in 1805 and, I'm pretty sure, didn't even know what a "gay agenda" was or is. Of course, the story was obviously altered and adapted for this film. And while I can't say for certain why, my guess is that it has nothing to do with a secret, liberal gay agenda. It has to do with the fact that Disney is a money-making-machine and little girls like to buy frilly dresses, plastic tiaras and imagine their best friend is a hilarious talking snowman. And that women my age still dream about meeting Mr. Right, getting along with their family and friends, signing like Idina Menzel...  and that their best friend is a hilarious talking snowman.

So in closing, my advice to this blogger is... LET IT GO. 

 

Crap. I totally wanna go make out with a girl now. 

If anyone needs me, I'll be watching The Lion King. Or, as I now call it, Pumba and Timon: Gay in the Jungle. If anyone wants to join me later, I'll follow with a screening that lesbian flick Mulan, with a lovely charcuterie for sharesies. 

Margarita Monday on Tuesday

Yesterday was a holiday, you see, so I promised myself "no work" and also, "no blog." As such, I've put a call into the federal government and reqeusted "Margarita Monday" be moved to Tuesday this week, since they totally make these big decisions.

Incidentally, having Monday off from working and bloggign did not prevent me from posting a couple dashing Olympians on Facebook. I hope you're all checking there daily. 

In any case, moving back to one of my favorite beverages, it has been pointed out to me that this Saturday, Febraury 22, is National Margarita Day. And really, other than Halloween, is there any better day? As such, the kind folks at Sofitel Los Angeles' Riviera 31 were kind enough to send across this recipe for a French Magarita.

CHEERS! And SALUD! 

Drink it up, liquor lovers. On February 22nd I will be getting a haircut and enjoying the Miley Cyrus concert (not at the same time). If that doesn't scream margartias, then I don't know what does.

Subsequently, I promise to visit Riviera 31 soon and report back. It looks WONDERFUL! 

Quote of the Day

Yeah, I totally Photoshopped this in like six minutes while Sean Asting was talking to us at the Entertainment New Media Conference this morning. 

Cupid's Friday

I'm trying really hard not to hate this day. I really am. Last year, on this day of days, I had a boyfriend and he took me out for a lovely dinner. Oh sure, the evening ended with him passed out snoring on my couch and the relationship ended with him disappearing off the face of the Earth, but for one glorious day, and for the very first time in my life, I had a date on Valentine's Day and it was a really nice feeling. I can't deny that.

So it has finally ocurred to me that perhaps my annual vitriolic hate-fest of this holiday has, in fact, been because I've always been single for it.

I know -- DUH, right? But who wants to be a stereotpye? The bitter single girl. 

In truth, bitterness is not even the problem. Only loneliness. So it's a good thing I have a lot of amazing friends. I had a fun dinner with some of them last night and have concert tickets with one of them this evening. 

And this weekend, for added, fun, another speaking engagement. I may or may not throw up beforehand. I should really start an over/under on these things. 

But all that said, it is Friday, thank goodness, and a Friday preceeding a three-day weekend no less, so all in all, I'm in a pretty decent mood. 

1. Here's something to warm your heart for Valentine's Day.

10-year-old Colin from Kalamazoo, Michigan has Asperger Syndrome. He told his mom he didn't want to have a birthday party this year because he doesn't have any friends. He eats his lunches in the school office because no one will sit with him. And if that little story breaks your heart, imagine how his mother feels. 

So she started a Facebook page for Colin's birthday. And to date it has over 1.8 million likes. And it is filled with messages and well-wishes and photos. Colin may not have wanted a birthday party but he's about to get the biggest e-card that ever was. It's amazing and lovely and all the good things about humanity. Please head over there and join in. It's been a long time since I cried because something touched my heart. 

2. I very much enjoy this Buzzfeed list: "16 Graphs And Charts That Perfectly Illustrate Twentysomething Life." (Even though I'm over 30.) 

Some examples. You can't deny their truth. 

3. This kid. He is amazing. Just watch. (Do it for Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper, who both make appearances.) 

 

4. You know how I love the Jimmy Kimmel series, "Celebrities Read Mean Tweets." He unveiled the sixth edition. Again - love it.

 

Who's your favorite? I'm pretty partial to Tim Robbins.

5. Shortstop Derek Jeter is retiring after the 2014 baseball season. When I read it, there were tears.

There was a "Core Four" on the Yankees: Jorge Posada, Mariano Rivera, Jeter and Andy Pettitte. Four who played in the minors together and debuted with the Yankees in 1995. The Yankees won four world championships in the late 90s and one more in 2009 -- when they were all still on the roster. Jeter, who's been the team's Captain since 2003, is the last man standing; the last to retire. At 39, after almost 20 years with NY, whatever team anyone roots for, you can't say a bad thing about the guy. He's been an amazing asset  to the game of baseball, an outstanding team leader and a generally good guy that everyone respects. I realize an entire season is still ahead, but I'm already starting to miss him.

He's utterly fearless, by the way -- I have to share a couple of my favorite plays. When he charges and dives, my heart stops. 

• July 2004, v. the Red Sox (a stil of him making this dive was my desktop wallpaper for a long, long time)
• October 2001 v. the A's (and then a very excited Scott Brosius just chucks the ball to second like it's nothing.)
• October 1998 -- the Jeter Jump n' Throw. It's magnificent.

This Post is About Lube and Blow Jobs

And that's not even link-bait, you guys, cause this post really is about lube and blow jobs.

Now, before anyone I am related to has a heart attack, this post is not actually written by or about me. But when a fellow blogger needed a home for these deepest-of-thoughts, I could not turn my back on her. Nay, I opened my very blog to her soul.

In other words, she's hilarious and this post is awesome and it's really a shame I can't tell you where her blog is at so you can go be a fan of it. 

Enjoy.

There’s a lot people don’t tell you about quitting smoking. Everyone seems to focus on the positive, you’ll live longer! Yay! This is a good thing, assuming you make it through the quitting process without stabbing someone and landing in jail. Who wants to live longer if it’s in lockup? But there are other, decidedly less glamorous, truths about quitting smoking. Did you know that you’ll cough up some of the most disgusting things you’ve ever seen? It’s lovely.

I personally used the patch to help me quit while remaining somewhat sane. That, combined with eating everything in sight, has worked well for me. The downside to the patch is that, when removed, it leaves a square of stickiness that fuzz and other stuff will stick too. You can scrub yourself raw, but no amount of loofah action will get that stickiness off. I was getting sick of these squares all over my body (and they are all over, because you can’t put the patch in the same place two days in a row, you have to keep moving it) and I turned to my friend the PhD for help. Her PhD is in molecular biology, but she’s still my go to on any and all issues vaguely related to health or science. Lucky her. At any rate, she suggested baby oil. I don’t have a baby, so I also don’t have baby oil, and I was too lazy to go to the store.

“Will lube work?” I asked. She said it probably would, assuming it’s oil based, not water.

The moral of the story is that, in a pinch, you can substitute Trojan lube (the one in the purple bottle) for Goo Gone or baby oil. Don’t mind the warming sensation, it’s supposed to do that. And speaking of lube, Valentine’s Day is coming up. While February 14 is for the women folk, March 14 is known as “Steak and BJ Day”, presumably to reward men for putting up with all the crap associated with Valentine’s Day. If you ask me, Steak and BJ Day sounds worlds better than Valentine’s Day. I’m single this year, and resent the assumption that all women long for sappy romantic Valentine’s Days, and that all single women will sit at home filling the hole in their lives with ice cream. Not this lady.

I hate getting flowers, because they die and then I have to deal with throwing them away. I also hate the gamble chocolates, because there is nothing worse than accidentally biting into that gross toothpaste one. But I love a good steak dinner, and I don’t even hate blow jobs as much as some women do. Although, I don’t want to give the impression that I’m all that easy going and giving. I guess in a perfect world, I’d want to celebrate Steak, Cake, and Wild Sex Day. And in a really perfect world, we’d be done with all three of those in time to watch Sports Center and go to bed early. Maybe there would be some leftover cake to eat in bed while we watch Sports Center. Or maybe my date leaves so I can sleep alone and hog the covers without guilt.

Back to AJ (me!) -- I made graphics to go with this post. Also, I cannot wait to see what kinds of ads pop up on Google, Facebook and in my sidebar now. You're welcome, everbody. 

Can I get a #Menday in the house?!

Country singer David Nail has the most countriest country name in all of country-land. And he looks just.... I mean... Just LOOK:

He looks like he needs a shower a little, which I totally dig. I would also like to volunteer to help. 

Only because I'm a helpful individual. Get yer mind outta the gutter. 

He is, after all, ten days younger than I am, so I'd be robbing the cradle. (Both Tauruses - we'd never get anything done but the sexual tension would be AMAZING, right?)

Also, I like the sunglasses. Very sexy Hollywood glam:

Even his serious artist look CRUSHES me:

I've never wanted to be a pocket square so much in my life.

Happy Menday, everybody. Enjoy some delightful country tunage:

Tiny Nerdgasms, Academia, Music, Haters and Anna Kendrick

Have you ever seen such a motley crew of headliners? 

Yeah, that's what's up this fine, fine Friday. Dear lord do I need a beverage...

TGIF, bitches.

But anyway, moving on....

1. There was this quaint little sports event last Sunday. A group of athletes from Seattle threw a cowhide leather covered ball around and kind of embarrassed an opposing group of athletes from Denver. But that doesn't really matter because this happened:

Yeah, that's Professor Xavier and Magneto. They're just chillin' in their jersies. Mocking "football" and stuff. 

I totally nerdgasm'd. It got exponentially more epic when Patrick Stewart tweeted a photo of himself doing one-armed push-ups during the game and Wil Wheaton got in on it. I would paste the whole thing for you, but I'm having a hard enough time meeting men without completely nerding out and calling my sanity into question. But go read about it on Zap2it. They have the whole thing and it's amazing.

2. And speaking of the "big game" (the name of that game is super-duper trademarked and while I could probably get away with saying it, I enjoy the mini-challenge of avoiding the term), did you see that halftime show?! OMG, right?! Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I am dipping a toe into the conflict of interest pool here, but I don't think anyone will mind my saying that BRUNO MARS WAS AWESOME because I am not just saying it to serve my professional needs. He was really awesome. He was spectacular. So much so that I didn't even mind the weird cameo from the Chili Peppers, despite Anthony Kiedis' creepy porn-stache. 

Did you see it? Did you love it? Good - now watch it again. 

Did you miss it? You're depriving yourself of some potent stage presence. Watch it immediately.

 

3. As you know, I've been a little giveaway crazy lately and I have a hunch you're a little over it cause the entry count on my latest giveaway is pretty low. Have I finally offended you, guys? I know you loved the Sex Position Coloring Book last time I gave it away but maybe adding in the three other books was too much? Was it the water-proof bathtub fun times book that sent you over the edge? I'm super sorry if I went to far.... 

I'm kidding. I mean, I'm sorry but I'm not sorry (#SorryNotSorry). You know you love it and you're going to go enter the giveaway right now. These books are awesome -- you totally want them. I'm here for you, guys. I'm here to tell you what you need and you totally need "The Kama Sutra Bath Book." 

4. Since I like public speaking so much, I thought it would be a really terrific idea to speak on a panel at USC this week. Look! They put me on a fancy sign:

I said about 18 things I probably shouldn't have said out loud but that's par for the course with me. I also met a lot of amazing young people (Christ, I sound like such an old lady saying that) and found four great new friends and colleagues in my fellow panelists. The last time I spoke at USC was December 2011... The next morning, I got laid off from my job (and that was the second time I got laid off in 2011, so all in all, a banner year was had). I am relieved this did not turn out the same way. ;) 

Thanks so much to USC's Anneberg School for having me out. Despite any trepidations I have about speaking in front of groups, they always do a really great job of making me feel comfortable.

5. Here's a quickie - this great guy, Kenny, follows me on Twitter. And when he replied to something I said yesterday (I'm sure it was brilliant), I clicked on his profile and then on his website link. And I love his site, whodowehatenow.com. It's helping me to harness my rage. So far, today, I hate:

• Sarah Palin
• Vegans
• People Who Use Double Spaces After Periods
• Commies
• Your Kid

I'm not gonna say which, but a few of those are spot on. (Who's gonna guess?)

6. Did you guys know that Anna Kendrick is awesome? It's true. I've always suspected as much, and I totally love Pitch Perfect, but when a friend of mine tweetd a link to this article, "18 Funny and Sexy Anna Kendrick Quotes," I basically threw my hands up in the air and pledged my allegiance to her. 

You should all just go follow her on Twitter right now. It's just her and Ronan Farrow taking over my heart these days. 

I know we all asked this question as kids and just moved on at a certain point but seriously, why the fuck is it called a GRAPEfruit??

— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) November 26, 2013

Aren't we supposed to have meals in pill form by now? Cause at least once a week I open my fridge and think "shit, I need to make water"

— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) January 14, 2014

 

Seems like a good note to end on. Have a great weekend, boys and girls. 

Lessons From Disney's Frozen

Confession: I've seen Disney's Frozen six times. 

First, in the theater. Then I got my hands on a link to watch it online. I did so four times. Sitting still and glued to the screen every time. And then last night I went to see it in the theater again -- a sing along event at Hollywood's Disney-owned El Capitan Theater. It took me a little while to warm up to it but eventually I was singing every note at the top of my lungs. I was even reciting some of the lines.

At the biggest moments, they actually made it snow in the theater. It was pretty magical.

It's not unusual for me to see a theatrical release more than once. I saw The Avengers four times. I saw Thor and The Dark Knight Rises a few times (clearly I have an affinity for super hero flicks). But this film and its soundtrack have claimed a special place in my heart. 

So has Olaf, by the way, a charcter in the film. He likes warm hugs and so do I, so we already have that in common. 

I'll spare you the tedium of a film summary and casting recap (although it would be a disservice not to mention that Kristin Bell and Idina Menzel kick some major tail as sisters Anna and Elsa), but let me just share with you some key take-aways from the movie. And be warned - mild spoilers ahead.

• There is nothing wrong with childlike giggles, imagination and fantasy. Even when you're over 20 or 30. 

• Sometimes a Prince can be a real asshole. And sometimes an asshole can turn out to be a Prince. 

• Sisters (or siblings if you want) are forever. Who says "true love" isn't something best gifted to a family member? Who says your best friend can't be your soulmate?

• Get out of bed, sleepyhead. Make today an adventure.

• Who runs the world? Girls.

• Sing it loud, sing it proud. Let it go.

 

If you haven't seen this movie yet, I really don't know what youre waiting for. 

And if you're still not convinced, or if you are as addicted as I am and want to read more, I'm in love with Girl's Gone Child's post about it, too.