CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

A Passive Aggressive Letter To My Next Door Neighbor

Hey there.... dude. 

Yeah. About that, DUDE. I apologize but I don't know your name. Remember that time I tried to walk up to you in the hall but you went right past me? I was going to ask your name then but I'm sure you just had somewhere to be. No worries. There was also that time I said "Hi, you know...." which was going to to turn into "we haven't been introduced yet!" but you kept walking then, too. I get it, you are obviously very busy and important. (Even though I don't know very many busy and important men over 30 who wear Green Hornet tees and cargo shorts with holes in them. But hey, you gotta go with what works for you.) 

In any case, my man, I just wanted to say thanks for keeping me up last night. I mean, I had been out all day with friends and was pretty tired. You know, sometimes on Sunday nights I can be pretty lazy, but thanks to you, I was forced to stay up pretty late and watch TV and get work done! YES! Going to bed early or on time is overrated anyway, right? I certainly wouldn't want to get get in the way of your need to build furniture at 11:00 at night. Not at all. I can't think of a better time to do it anyway. It wasn't that bad when you started hammering and the way my wall vibrated when you used the power drill was practically therapeutic, so KUDOS, guy. Well done. I'm sure whatever IKEA  purchase you made looks GREAT paired with the video game chair Amazon delivered last week. (You remember, it sat out in the hall for a couple days before you dragged it inside.)

It's really terrific you like video games. Since I don't own a console, at the volume you play Guitar Hero in the evenings, I really get to feel like I do own an XBOX every now and then and it really saves me from feeling left out on life. It's a good thing you like that one heavy metal song so much - it's allowed me to really memorize the GOOD AND LOUD parts super well. 

Also? That time I passed you in the hall when I was carrying my heavy laundry basket and said "so sorry, excuse me," but you didn't let me by? Totally forgiven. I mean, no biggie. So what if we were both heading to our neighboring apartments and you took the long way around to avoid me? I appreciate that sometimes a guy just wants a little solitude over the pressures of being chivalrous. 

Don't worry, a lot of the other neighbors have told me you're a loner and a little weird and someone even had the audacity to tell me about this one time when you left your wet laundry in three washing machines overnight leaving the laundry room to smell a little moldy, but I don't pay that much attention to gossip. Even when the sweet old lady down the hall with the hip problem told me about the time you wouldn't help her bring a heavy package into her apartment so she gave up trying to get to know you -- well, I just told her I wouldn't pass judgement until I got to know you. Which may be never but whatevs, right? 

Anyway, just wanted to say "hey" and wish you the best. I look forward to the next time you burn something and wake me with the fire alarm at 2 AM. It's always good to practice what I'll do in an emergency.

HUGS!

AJ

The Only Mother's Day Gift Guide You'll Ever Need

AAAAAH! Mother's Day is less than two weeks away! NOBODY PANIC!!! 

I really enjoy dramatic headlines. But like, for realz. I never do gift guides and I'm seeing now what a mistake that is - I'm super good at this, guys. ;)

Here's a quick list of easy gifts, varied in cost so it can help everyone!

Gift Idea #1 - Indulgent Gift Certificates

Mom probably does these things routinely or, if not, she does them when she has time and is able to treat herself. Either way, having the kids pay for it as a treat would probably make her day so consider a gift certificate to whatever hair salon, nail salon or waxing person she goes to. 

Wanna take it a step further? Find the most wonderful, luxurious spa in a reasonable driving distance and get a gift certificate there. Treat mom to a massage and/or facial. Call ahead - a lot of the higher end spas will also package in a glass of champagne for the day.

As gift certificates are terrific gifts but not as exciting to unwrap, I like to deliver them with some small goodies. Consider delivering  with a new robe or soft blanket, a basket of skincare products or even just flowers. 

Gift Idea #2 - DIY Photo Album

Does your mom enjoy some good old fashioned sentimentality? Here's a good one. Buy a simple photo album and fill it photos of you, your siblings and mom over the years. Add in little anecdotes and special memories, graphics that refer to inside jokes and perhaps any little tokens you may have saved like ticket stubs or play programs. Start it off with a handmade cover page and letters written from you (and the siblings if applicable) telling mom how much she means to you. 

If your mom is a music buff, throw in a CD or thumb drive with music she loves on the last page. Call it "Reminds Me Of Mom." 

Also! The techie version of this gift? A digital picture frame pre-packed with all the most wonderful, memorable photos of the family! She'll love to keep it on her desk.

Gift Idea #3 - A Unique Subscription

Give mom something that keeps on giving! There are a lot of fun subscription services out there now, why not pick out one or more for mom? Examples:

Rocksbox - Jewelry delivered to your door. Three pieces arrive at a time, wear them, return them, and three more come! (Don't worry, you can fill out a detailed profile and "wishlist" items you love to give them an idea.)

Homejoy - Send someone to clean the house! THIS IS THE BEST. Set it up so they come on a recurring basis. 

Amazon subscriptions - Did you know about this? If mom has a favorite snack, you can actually subscribe her to it! Get those Twizzlers delivered every three months! Is she a Keurig devotee? You can subscribe for refills. Search for "subscribe and save" and use filters to narrow the results. 

Gift Idea #4 - Extraordinary Flowers

Flowers are not a stand alone gift for everyone. It depends on mom -- some moms prefer more practical items or more indulgent items. But I know a lot of moms like flowers and I think if she works at an office, it's fun to send them there so she can kind of show off how awesome her kid thinks she is. 

If you don't mind a further suggestion, my reigning favorite online florist is BloomNation, which is kind of like an Etsy for flowers. I like giving my business to the local florists they partner with instead of some giant site with tons of mark-ups. I always use them to send my mom flowers and the arrangement are always stunning. 

Gift Idea #5 - A New Gadget

Does your mom like to feel like she's "in" and gets excited about new grown-up toys? Or, does she simply appreciate modern conveniences? You might consider her every day routine and think about what gizmo you might give her to improve upon a part of it. For example, if she's a chronic tidier, she might like to have a Roomba (the vacuum cleaning robot). If she loves to read, maybe it's time to upgrade mom to a Kindle. If she's a wine aficionado, there are a ton of electric wine openers out there that are really cool. Music lover? Bluetooth speaker! There are a lot of ways to upgrade mom! 

What else?

What problem can you solve?

What need can you meet?

What treat can you give? 

Share this with friends - feel free to use this graphic! 

Singing For My Supper With Bret Michaels

As previously reported, with much success - AND NOISE - Hard Rock Cafe Hollywood gave away free burgers on tax day at an amazing karaoke event with legendary Bret Michaels and KIIS FM's "Manny on the Street" hosting.   

At the annual sing-off, guests had a chance to take the cafe stage and “Sing For Their Supper.” There was so much talent in the room! And... well, some who just impressed me with their passion more than with their.... talent. 

I made a fun compilation video of the high notes. Have a look:

  

That tiny person BELTING the shit out of Adelle? She's 11, guys. ELEVEN. FYI, I think my favorite is the courageous man singing Sia's "Chandelier." He was magnetic. HE OWNED THAT song. Love him! 

After Poison's infamous front man kicked things off with a classic rock ballad, he and Manny opened the stage for visitors to sing a song of their choosing (with a live band) in front of the entire restaurant. How does a band know EVERY SONG EVER?! I love the live band part. It is so cool and unique. For a moment, everyone is just a larger-than-life rocker. It's rad. Kudos to the band, who also has a great name, Casual Encounters.

And for the brave performers, Hard Rock provided a free LOCAL LEGENDARY® “Hollywoodland” Burger.  

It's nice that Bret's appreciating his own free burger. (In fact, Bret was quite a trooper, signing every piece of paper or memorabilia shoved in his face.) That's some deliciousness right there. I had one and immensely enjoyed it! What could be more American than eating a burger, watching a rock concert with an icon on tax day?!

I also must say, I thought our host, Manny, was terrific. Even though he participates in one of the worst Los Angeles radio traditions in history, I liked watching him standing off to the side of the stage, rocking out to the performers. He was their biggest cheerleader and it was adorable. 

Yay America! Yay taxes! (I got a refund, I'm not complaining about a damned thing this year.) 

Disclosure: Photos courtesy of Coyne PR, my burger was courtesy of Hard Rock and this post was courtesy of my own genius. You're welcome, America. *salutes monitor*

Where in the world....?

"AJ! AJ! Where are you?!"

Can you believe it? I'm on VACATION. And wouldn't you know it? I've managed not to check my cell phone every 30 minutes and only open my laptop for a few minutes each night before I go to bed.

I will return soon but until then, please enjoy this delightful compilation of adorable puppies doing yoga.

 

Top 20 TV Theme Songs

Confession: When I saw Awesomely Luvvie had done this, I wanted to do it, too. I LOVE TV THEME SONGS. And it is, sadly, a dying art. 

So here they are, in no particular order, my TOP 20 TV THEME SONGS. The parameters I set for myself were themes with lyrics (sorry, Head of the Class) and non-animated series only (Apologies to Tiny Toons). Otherwise, this list would be 30 more songs long and you'd really hate me for how little work you get done today. 

As it is, I apologize for the inevitable rabbit hole you're about to travel down. But at the end, I hope you will comment and tell me what your favorites are! What gem did I forget?

1. Growing Pains

Bonus points for changing up the ending - which Seaver would stay behind to ham it up for the camera? 

 

2. Perfect Strangers

COME ON! You know when you heard this you were like "COME AND GET ME WORLD!!!" 

 

And now we do the dance of joy....

3. The Golden Girls

If you know me, you are not at all surprised this is on the list. You are probably surprised I didn't name it first, though. 

 

4. The Ballad of Serenity

It's genius. And I'm not over this gospel cover the cast of The Flash recently recorded of it:

 

5. The Greatest American Hero

Need I remind you of my bizarre childhood crush on Robert Culp?

 

6. Roundhouse

If you remember this show, we can be best friends. Reprise the theme song and roll the credits!!!

 

 

7. Blossom

There is so much nineties crammed into this opener it is almost unbelievable.

 

8. Laverne and Shirley

Somehow when they put that glove on the glass bottle on the factory it is EVERYTHING.

 

9. The Wonder Years

No, I did not consider this ineligible because the song is popular as a stand-alone. 

 

10. Full House

I have so many questions. How does John Stamos only get better looking with age? Why is Jodie Sweetin walking by the ocean? Why is Aunt Becky taking photos of?

 

11. The Monkees

Meeting Micky Dolenz is one of my favorite childhood memories. True story.

 

12. Saved by the Bell

Duh.

 

13. California Dreams

Sing it if you know it... "SURF DUDES WITH ATTITUDES...."

 

Did you catch their reunion on Jimmy Fallon a few years ago? Amazing.

14. 227

Sung by the show's star, Marla Gibbs. There ain't no place like home! 

 

15. Cheers

The theme song of all theme songs, right?

 

16. Friends

Wait. Maybe this is the theme song of all theme songs. We all love this, though, right?

 

17. Facts of Life

Bonus points for a Clooney mullet, right?

 

18. WKRP in Cincinnati

Such an underrated show. I loved it so much.

 

19. Family Ties

Sha-la-la-la....

 

20. The Fresh Prince of Bel Air

As if this wasn't making the list. PLEASE.

 

HONORABLE MENTION - Because I'm not sure it counts as a theme. Did it open the show? I can't remember. But big ups to "How Do You Talk to an Angel" from The Heights:

 

Ok, lemme have it, readers. Which beloved TV theme classic got left off the list?

#Menday of the Month: Chris Jericho

Two words, guys: BINGE. WATCHING. I love it. I got through most of Netflix's new series, Daredevil, over the weekend. 

Next up? Comedy Central's Nothing to Report, a must-see comedy series. With just six episodes in all, premiering today, why wouldn't you watch it?

Because also? This:

That smile's not hurtin' anyone, either:

And for proof of laughs:

I don't really need more than that but if you do, the show follows the day-to-day adventures of Chance Blackstreet (Chris Jericho) and Moses Packard (Nick Mundy), two cops who operate in the vein of action duos like Riggs and Murtaugh and Tango and Cash.... only with much less investigating and a lot more sitting in the car. Actual crime notwithstanding, they'll get the job done -- just as soon as they deal with their emotional baggage.

The show is available now on YouTube and Comedy Central’s website.

Join me in binge watching it ASAP! Chris Jericho's #ChanceBlackstreet is my new #Menday crush! 

How I Ended Up Standing in the Middle of Starbucks Holding Toilet Paper

So there I was, yesterday afternoon, on my way to a friend's wedding in the very sophisticated and beautiful city of Malibu. 

But for once, there had been little to no traffic and I made good time out to the sleepy, beachside burb, so my friends and I decided to pop into a Starbucks for a pre-wedding snack or beverage. 

After I placed my order, I waited third in line, behind two men, to use the lone restroom. When it was finally my turn, I opened the door and immediately saw there was no toilet paper. So I turned around to return to the cashier and ask him to replace it. 

He put me off for a moment to finish ringing up a customer, which, of course, was fine. In the meantime, another man went into the restroom and I found myself envious they could pee standing up and... well, shake it off. 

The cashier finally went  to the back and returned with a roll of toilet paper. It wasn't even a new roll, mind you -- it was about half through. And he held it out to me. 

He intended for me to take it. 

Now am I too high maintenance or is that weird? With his bare hands he was handing me a half-used roll and expected me to hang onto it til the bathroom was free again, and place it on the roll myself. I think that's pretty disgusting. 

I realize when we use public restrooms, it's pretty hard to keep things 100% sanitary at all times, but at the very least, he could have tried to keep up appearances and handed me a wrapped roll. He could have gone inside the restroom and quickly picked up all the trash that was on the floor, for that matter. And he could have put the fresh TP on the roll himself. I mean, when you work in a food service establishment, you're held to a standard of cleanliness so better him than me, I'd think. 

Frankly, if I didn't need to pee so badly by this point, I would have left and taken my "business" elsewhere. In any case, I couldn't figure out how to get the toilet paper onto their gizmo so when I was done, so purely to be demonstrative, I decided when I was all done in the bathroom, to take the roll of toilet paper out with me, walked back over to the cash register where he was helping a new customer, and firmly put the roll down right in front of him. 

And then I asked for his store number. Which may or may not be 14014. That is what he told me but I did some research online and it's the Malibu Road West location -- on their website it says the store number is 18220. Whatever it is, they suck at customer service and abiding by health codes. (Was not at all surprised, in fact, to see several complaints about the cleanliness of this location on Yelp, too.)

Malibu is a pretty posh town. It's a wealthy community. By virtue of it's location, lending itself to beach views almost everywhere, anyone who lives there has to have a good amount of money. My point is, apparently a certain standard of living does not equal a standard of service.

Chocolate Dipped Cheesecake Stuffed Strawberries

This post is dedicated to anyone who's ever pinned anything on Pinterest.

I love Pinterest, though I use it less often than I used to, and usually it's to post photos of things I can't afford, men I'll never meet, or recipes I'll never make.  But sometimes I get totally hooked on something I pin, that I simply must try! 

Such was the case when I came across a recipe for Cheesecake Stuffed Strawberries from The Sweets Life and found myself determined to try them myself. It's quite simple, plus, it looks really pretty on a plate - aesthetics count, right? And it turns out they travel well, so it's a perfect dish to bring with you to a dinner party. 

The recipe called for:

• 1 lb. large strawberries
• 8 oz. cream cheese, softened
• 3-4 tbsp. powdered sugar (4 tbsp for a sweeter filling)
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract
• graham cracker crumbs

That said, I found there was some trial and error involved. When all was said and done, we actually had used 5 tbsp. of powdered sugar and 2 tsp. of vanilla extract. I would just advice you keep tasting it. When it tastes like cheesecake, you've got it. We'll get to that... 

To start, wash your strawberries and then, slice off the stems and cut out the middles. This is a pretty tedious task with a knife so I highly recommend this remarkable little gadget, which I happen to own and its only $6.65 an Amazon.

We had MONSTER strawberries. I called them 'roid-berries. But in no time at all, voila! 

In a mixing bowl, beat the cream cheese, powdered sugar, and vanilla extract until creamy. Like I said - trial and error here. Keep tasting it. 

The recipe calls for you to add the cheesecake mix to a piping bag or ziploc with the corner snipped off. We thought we knew better and used tiny spoons to scoop and stuff. It was still do-able, but was pretty hard to actually stuff the mix into the berry, so I'm sure we should have just done what it said. Whichever mechanic you opt for, you fill strawberries with cheesecake mixture. Once the strawberries are filled, you simply dip the top in graham cracker crumbs. 

 

The only panic came when we were almost out of filling. We used monster sized berries and didn't actually consider if they equaled or surpassed the pound that the recipe called for. But we just scraped the bowl clean and ended up with just the right amount. 

Then my mom had a stroke of brilliance -- we decided to dip some of them in CHOCOLATE! 

They were DELICIOUS! Go ahead and give them a try! I hope I have an excuse to make them again soon.