CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

But Can I Pick My Own Shoes?

Not so very long ago, I was shopping at The Grove, a large outdoor shopping complex here in Los Angeles. I don't remember what I bought or what stores I went into but I recall that I kept seeing this young mother and her daughter, who was probably about four. I just kept running into them -- you know what I mean? It just happens. It's one of those things.

The first time I saw them, the mother was holding her daughter's hand on her left and holding her cell phone up to her ear on the right. They were heading into Anthropologie and I noticed them right away because the little girl had on these really cute, bright Converse sneakers. Converse sneakers are especially adorable in miniature sizes, I think. And the little girl also looked particularly pouty, as if mom had dragged her against her will to the shops that day. Which I'm sure was the case. 

I saw them again as I was heading toward the Mac store. They were sitting by The Grove's central fountain, where many people gather to sit for a spell. The mother was putting the sneakers back onto the little girl's feet. She was throwing an absolute fit about it. I gathered from eavesdropping that basically, the little girl did not want to wear her shoes anymore because she'd wanted to wear her Uggs that day. But mom explained she didn't have her Uggs anymore -- she had ruined them in some kind of mud-related disaster and mom had thrown them away. 

I sensed this was not going to end well and I felt myself getting angry. I am not a mother myself, of course, and I have a very low threshold for this stuff. I start to plan in my head what I would do in such a situation but just get increasingly annoyed by the entire thing... Anyway, I went to buy some makeup sponges or something -- I really do not remember. 

But I saw them one more time. Well, twice, in fact. About a half hour later in Nordstom. First in the bathroom, where the little girl was standing in a corner, waiting for her mom, who was using a bathroom stall. She was in her socks. She was cradling a doll and seemed in much higher spirits than the last two times I'd seen her. She ran back and forth a bit - she liked that she could slide on the floor in her socks. She smiled at me now, sort of proud, as if she recognized me and recognized that I knew she'd won her shoe battle.

And yet it wasn't even over yet. Because not long after the socks-in-the-bathroom tragedy, (I mean, really? GROSS, right?) I saw them in the shoe department. Buying a small pair of Uggs. 

I don't know who annoyed me more this day. The bratty child who wanted to wear Uggs in 85 degree weather and clearly had the upper hand in her relationship with mom. Or the mom, who, I felt, was failing all over the place... Should she have brought her precocious child to The Grove that day? Dragged her from store to store? Let her run around in socks when she decided she hated her shoes? Bought her a brand new pair? 

I realize that, first off, I do not know every single detail of their story. I can only recount to you what I observed, overheard, and surmised. And I know it is far easier for me to judge a parent when I do not have any children myself. So I guess that is why I'm sharing the entire thing with all of you. I would love to hear (well, read) what you think about all this psychology. 

Of course, it may also just be as simple as "if the shoe fits...." 

This Post is About Lube and Blow Jobs

And that's not even link-bait, you guys, cause this post really is about lube and blow jobs.

Now, before anyone I am related to has a heart attack, this post is not actually written by or about me. But when a fellow blogger needed a home for these deepest-of-thoughts, I could not turn my back on her. Nay, I opened my very blog to her soul.

In other words, she's hilarious and this post is awesome and it's really a shame I can't tell you where her blog is at so you can go be a fan of it. 

Enjoy.

There’s a lot people don’t tell you about quitting smoking. Everyone seems to focus on the positive, you’ll live longer! Yay! This is a good thing, assuming you make it through the quitting process without stabbing someone and landing in jail. Who wants to live longer if it’s in lockup? But there are other, decidedly less glamorous, truths about quitting smoking. Did you know that you’ll cough up some of the most disgusting things you’ve ever seen? It’s lovely.

I personally used the patch to help me quit while remaining somewhat sane. That, combined with eating everything in sight, has worked well for me. The downside to the patch is that, when removed, it leaves a square of stickiness that fuzz and other stuff will stick too. You can scrub yourself raw, but no amount of loofah action will get that stickiness off. I was getting sick of these squares all over my body (and they are all over, because you can’t put the patch in the same place two days in a row, you have to keep moving it) and I turned to my friend the PhD for help. Her PhD is in molecular biology, but she’s still my go to on any and all issues vaguely related to health or science. Lucky her. At any rate, she suggested baby oil. I don’t have a baby, so I also don’t have baby oil, and I was too lazy to go to the store.

“Will lube work?” I asked. She said it probably would, assuming it’s oil based, not water.

The moral of the story is that, in a pinch, you can substitute Trojan lube (the one in the purple bottle) for Goo Gone or baby oil. Don’t mind the warming sensation, it’s supposed to do that. And speaking of lube, Valentine’s Day is coming up. While February 14 is for the women folk, March 14 is known as “Steak and BJ Day”, presumably to reward men for putting up with all the crap associated with Valentine’s Day. If you ask me, Steak and BJ Day sounds worlds better than Valentine’s Day. I’m single this year, and resent the assumption that all women long for sappy romantic Valentine’s Days, and that all single women will sit at home filling the hole in their lives with ice cream. Not this lady.

I hate getting flowers, because they die and then I have to deal with throwing them away. I also hate the gamble chocolates, because there is nothing worse than accidentally biting into that gross toothpaste one. But I love a good steak dinner, and I don’t even hate blow jobs as much as some women do. Although, I don’t want to give the impression that I’m all that easy going and giving. I guess in a perfect world, I’d want to celebrate Steak, Cake, and Wild Sex Day. And in a really perfect world, we’d be done with all three of those in time to watch Sports Center and go to bed early. Maybe there would be some leftover cake to eat in bed while we watch Sports Center. Or maybe my date leaves so I can sleep alone and hog the covers without guilt.

Back to AJ (me!) -- I made graphics to go with this post. Also, I cannot wait to see what kinds of ads pop up on Google, Facebook and in my sidebar now. You're welcome, everbody. 

A Hot Tip to my Fellow Bloggers - Check out #Markerly

If you're a blogger, read on for a great bit of advice. If you're not a blogger, you may very well find this to be  interesting insight into some of what we do (but I won't be offended if you're like "no, I'm not reading AJ's blog just this once"). 

There are so many blogger "collectives" out there now. Organizations like Clever Girls and Massive Sway who collect up blogger members so that they can partner with brands and subsequently recruit appropriate members to evangelize those brands. (Non bloggers - so you know - we often get paid for these opportunities but we are always allowed to be honest. No one is bribing us. In fact, Markerly is paying me for this post, but I talk about them all the time so I was like "money for something I'd do happily anyway? Um, ok.")

Markerly is one such network - one of many I belong to (I display many badges on my site but do, in fact, belong to quite a few more collectives) - and has really become one of my favorites to work with. They are certainly the most on their game. It is a full-service managed network with 24/7 blogger support. I've been able to reach them via email and twitter with super-fast response time. It's probably my favorite feature of working with them.

Of course, my second-favorite feature is, they pay you within 48 hours of completing your obligations to the campaign. 48 hours! As a blogger, you know that's ridiculous. Some of these networks take three months to pay out.

They've put the focus on top quality brands, authenticity and engagement. Working with brands like Levi's, Super Bowl, TruMoo, Jaybird, eMeals etc., Markerly membership is open to any blogger that has over 10,000 page views a month or an average of 3 comments per post (but I've seen them make exceptions). Really the focus is on engaged audiences. To that end, Markerly even gives you heat maps of your entire post so you can see what people were clicking on -- how frickin' cool is that?! 

And you don't even have to take my word for it because there's even been a lot of press on Markerly.

Look how friendly they are! That charming lady among the man-candy is co-founder Sarah Ware, who is delightful.

Bloggers, sign up here. 

Oh -- one last thing. They're giving away $250. Yep. You read that right. $250! Enter below using the Facebook widget. Not to worry - they are not tapping into your network. (In my experience, in some internet browsers, sometimes this widget takes the form of a pop-up in the lower right corner. Look around if you don't see it.)

 

As I see it: A Blogger's Guide to Event Coverage

Once more I find myself in a unique position to give advice. That may sound snobby - I apologize and beg your indulgence. As my "Five Best Basic Tips" post was so successful, I figured I'd dust off the ol' brain and take it out for a spin. It gets so rusty when I don't use it for a long stretch....

As both a blogger and publicist, I've witnessed some shady behavior among fellow bloggers - both up close and from afar - when it comes to event invites, attendance and coverage. As a result, I've been mentally making a list of advice to dish out on this subject.

Not a blogger? That's okay. I won't be offended if you skip this post. Although I'd like to believe some of the advice is transferable. 

The Invite

A publicist or other brand rep invites you to an event. Please, I beg you, read the whole thing thoroughly. Let's say, for example, they ask you for your name and e-mail address and having skimmed it, you merely put your e-mail address. Or let's say you're just so excited to have gotten the invite that you immediately hit reply and ask "what information do you need?!" 

Publicists are people too. They are as judgemental as the next person if not more. And when you do little things like that, they're forming an opinion of you. Just keep that in mind is all I'm saying. They're professionals so be professional back. Blow them away with your thoroughness. 

Something else to consider about these reps. They work on more than one project at a time and often invite bloggers to events without being able to really, truly vet them for appropriateness. I'm not saying that's okay, I'm just saying it happens. And a lot of the time, it's justified with the thought that hopefully a blogger will know what is appropriate for their site. Should a fashion blogger be attending a foodie event? Should a mom bloggers be at a cocktail hour for single ladies? Yes, there are always going to be exceptions, but my point is: DO NOT JUST GO TO EVERYTHING. Seriously. It doesn't make you look "cool" and it's not earning you bonus points. And frankly, it's not making you look too great in the eyes of your fellow bloggers. Find your voice, find your identity, and find blog content to match. Give it serious thought. And don't make yourself crazy if you can't get to something -- there will be many more opportunities. 

The RSVP

Often times bloggers are invited with a +1, often times you just have to ask and permission is granted to bring one. Sometimes, you're invited solo and please know this is not necessarily the publicist's wish or fault. Sometimes, the rep is beholden to the whim of a client or the frustration of a tiny budget. 

Again, read the invitation thoroughly. Be mindful of RSVP deadlines. And while you may want to share the invite, best to ask the rep if it's okay to do so, first. They may have had to get their invite list approved and again, they may be confined by budget restraints -- just come from a place of wanting to help their brand and ask first.

And please, if you RSVP you are going to attend, then ATTEND. Think that seems like common sense? You'd be surprised... No-shows and last-minute cancellations never go unnoticed. Do not be surprised when people stop inviting you to things or doing you favors. And this is that "transferrable" advice I mentioned -- I mean, planning any kind of event is work, right? I get such anxiety. There is so little worse than planning a party and having no one show up. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. (Picture yourself in a decorated room, food out for fancy buffet time and cocktails at the ready as the "Sorry I can't make it after all" texts roll in. You're totally tearing up, right? It's like fifth grade all over again.)

At the Event

Arrive on time. If you know in advance you're going to be late (or may leave early), let the rep know in case that won't work for their event's strategy or schedule. What if they are trying to stick to a precise headcount and three people leave halfway through? 

Do not show up with people you did not clear with the reps in advance. Would you bring a friend on a date? Would you show up to someone's house for dinner with extra guests? Would you bring your kid to work without asking your boss if it's okay? (Okay, maybe you would and if you would, I shake my head at you.)

Take pictures and take notes. Because you may not write your post right away and you'll want to be able to talk about who you met and caption photos correctly. 

Bring business cards. Not only for the brand reps but for your fellow bloggers! Every opportunity to cover an event is also a terrific networking opportunity. These are your colleagues, not competitors. There are enough events, products and brands to go around. After the event, you may not remember something and need to ask a question... Befriend your fellow bloggers and hopefully they will return in kind. (And hey, if they don't, screw 'em. Karma will get 'em in the end.)

After the Event

Post about it. For the love of all that is holy, post about this event. Perhaps no one asked you to. But unless they specifically said (and this goes back to reading everything thoroughly) PLEASE COME AND DO NOT POST ABOUT IT, you should just give it a write-up. To kiss up if anything. Show your gratitude. And try to get the post up in a reasonable amount of time. Unless something else has been discussed, I'd try to have that post up within a week of the event. 

DO NOT KEEP YOUR GIVEAWAY ITEMS! This has become one of my biggest pet peeves because I find it so unethical. Did you attend an event where they gave you something to in turn give away on your blog? Then give it away! Don't keep it! And what's more, don't be tacky and enter to win the same item on someone else's blog. That's not what a brand rep wants. They're trying to spread the word about something to the public. In this circumstance, consider that you are NOT part of the public! If everyone who attends the event just enters one anothers' giveaways, it totally defeats the purpose and looks terrible. 

Think about reporting. If nothing else, consider the brand rep is just like you. At the end of the day, they just want people to like them. Their clients, their colleagues and their bosses. They are undoubtedly putting together a report of some kind to prove the value of the event you just attended. If for no other reason than to be able to have more of them. So it only benefits you to post quickly, post pics, show gratitude and send your links to the rep for inclusion. Here's a good tip - impress them by sending not just the blog URL, but the links to the corresponding tweet, Facebook post, pin, instagram pic -- anything. They are screengrabbing this stuff, I promise. They appreciate it. And if anything you posted got a lot of traffic, RTs or shares, point it out! They should know so they can brag about it. And then you can rest assured more invitations will come your way! Everybody wins!

* * *

No, I don't know everything. I am not proclaiming to be an expert. But I know I have experience on both sides of the table and I'm confident in what I'm telling you. And I may have unknowingly offended someone out there so I do apologize but I also stand by what I'm saying. Better you hear it from me, in this space, than from someone who, in the moment, tells you a thing or two a lot worse.

Did I miss a pivotal tip? What do you think? Comment below. I'm happy to open a dialogue about this and give out more advice if something specific is on your mind! 

Five Best Basic Tips For Bloggers

As a publicist, it never ceases to amaze me that even the most savvy, experienced, popular blogger can utterly fail at something that's fairly simple.

So I thought I'd assemble these useful tips - just five easy steps to get any blogger on their way. And have any hope of getting a publicist like me to work with you. Plus, it totally gave me an opportunity to try making an INFOGRAPHIC! OMG! I'm so excited. Also, I'm such a nerd. (But bonus points for you if you pin it to Pinterest. It would make my geeky life.)

 

I'm super passionate about this (in case you can't tell) and I'm really tempted to go on and on about it because lord knows I have more tips of my sleeve, but I'll spare you the rants of a crazy publicist. But feel free t pose questions below  in the comments and I'll do my best to answer them.

What does it really boil down to? Common sense. Use it. Think about meeting a person in real life ("IRL" as the kiddies say). How do you want them to look? How to present themselves? Clean and fresh and hopefully, not overaccessorized. You want them to be friendly and amenable and when you ask for their number, you want them to give it to you, not keep it a secret. Social media, at its very core, is about connecting with people. That's all. When we lose sight of that, we end up with animated gifs, auto-play music (HUGE NO TO THAT NONSENSE) and a dozen blog badges and LARGE FONT ADS. 

Like I said, it would just make my geeky little life if you pinned this. And please feel free to share it on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, the office fridge. Sky's the limit here, people. I'm an attention whore.

 

Asked and Answered

Anonymous e-mailer asks:

How can you reconcile keeping a blog on your dieting ups and downs with writing a column about dining out?

It's a fair question, although I must say, anonymous e-mailer, I did not care for how YOU phrased it - hence I am paraphrasing...

BUt to answer your question, however snotty it came off, please know this did occur to me. As did the thought of keeping that "job" seperate from this blog. However in a normal world, shouldn't EVERYONE be allowed to dine out once in a while?

A little indulgence is okay. I just would not condone OVER-indulgence on a regular basis. I guess that's the message.

This job is not a big deal. It's really just a few extra bucks and some fun writing. They are not paying for my meals so I have to go on previous experience to write or from friends or just the rare ocassion I can afford to eat out. So don't think I'm all over LA shoving fried, rish foods down my throat.

And this is an opportunity for you as well. I would love so much if you all would make suggestions. My articles do not HAVE to be restaurant reviews. I can also write about "how to dine out healthy" and "how to have fine dining at home" (both ideas are on my to-do list)... If you have an idea for me, I am totally open to it -- and that always goes for the blog, too.

So, anonymous e-mailer, I hope that calms your fears. I thank you for your valid point and question, though not for your judegment!

Not so Random Entry

I had a thought-- would YOU like to ask ME something?

I know a lot of my readers are friends but I know I am getting over 100 hits a day now and maybe someone is curious about me or would like MY advice on something?

Contrary to how I've let myself go, I am quite health-knowledge-savvy.

Feel free.

More to come soon. I'm doing some research to make sure I don't put my foot in my mouth and then expect something from me on Gastirc Bypass surgery. Star Jones, I'm coming for you, girl!

Advice

Dear Fat Girls,

Admit you're fat. This will free you. I'm not kidding.

Stop wearing tight clothes. This does not make you look SKINNIER. ON the contrary, it makes you look like a heffer. It's horribly unflattering. I do not want to see the clear outline of your fat rolls, nor do I care to see your flab pouring out of the sides of your jeans.

A pile of makeup is not going to hide  your tummy.

Keep your midrif to yourself. The world will thank you for it.

Short shorts? No.

Shower. I cannot stress this enough. When you have the extra skin, you are also opening yourself up to extra odor. Just because we're fat does not mean we cannot be sanitary.

If I haven't grossed you out enough, I apologize.

More advice to come as it comes to me.