CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

That Time I Chilled with Forrest Gump at The Hollywood Wax Museum

As promised, I recently took a day-trip with my adventure homies to play tourist at home and check out the Hollywood Wax Museum. Despite being a native Angeleno, I am always in search of things to do in Hollywood Land; I never shy away from tourist attractions. There's so much I take for granted living here and I've never been to any wax museums anywhere ever! 

I am fortunate that I have some friends who enjoy this kind of stuff as much as I do -- and that don't mind mugging for the camera a bit. I mean, after all, the BEST thing about the Hollywood Wax Museum is that you can basically get right on top of their wax figures. You can touch 'em and pose with 'em and it's an absolute riot. 

Naturally, I took quite an array of photos but after a lot of struggling, I managed to narrow it down.

First of all, we were received by the friendliest welcoming committee.

And when you walk in, you're greeted by the likes of Charlie Chaplin, Johnny Depp, a host of infamous horror movie characters and more! I could not resist a couple of selfies with the stars.

See? Just chillin' with the badass mother--effer on the left, and on the right, getting Angie's best tips on how to lure Brad into my clutches once and for all (she won't mind, she's busy with the kids). 

And then - LOOK OUT! 

That Daniel Craig. He has a mean left hook.

My favorite adventurer, though, is Indiana Jones! 

While I stopped to discuss the latest in archeology with Indy, Danielle had some catching up to do with Mr. Travolta...

By then I needed a little break, though. So I thought I'd chill with Forrest for a bit. Unfortunately, he's a big talker. He told me about 92 kinds of shrimp dishes...

But once I'd had sufficient rest, I jumped on board the Titanic with Leo. Warning: this is easily the goofiest photo I've ever taken. I won't even say "don't judge me" because you should. However I could not stop smiling! 

I'M THE QUEEN OF THE WORLD!!!!

Don't worry, though, as the museum is not just for humans. I could practically smell the sewer water and pizza when we came across these familiar faces...

COWABUNGA DUDE! (Bonus points if you can tell me which one is which!)

Hollywood Wax Museum is totally affordable and a ton of fun for groups. Families, groups of friends and couples were all checking it out when we were there. Adult tickets are $16.99 (if you need, kids are $8.99) and the museum is open from 10am to midnight, 365 days a year. It's in such a perfect location - so walkable to other must-see Hollywood spots. Make it a true Hollywood day or night out with the VIP Pass ($29.99 for adults, $16.99 for kids). It includes admission to the Hollywood Wax Museum, Guinness World Records Museum and Ripley’s Believe it or Not!

Such a terrific day. Thanks to all who came with! When all was said and done at the museum, we posed for one last photo with some new lady friends before walking down the street for burgers and shakes. ;)

Don't mess with us.

I can't wait for our next adevnture day! I've heard mumblings of visiting a local site famous for being featured in some classic Star Trek moments....! 

More:

• HWM on Facebook
• HWM on Twitter
• Anne's post about our visit

 

I was selected for this opportunity as a member of Clever Girls Collective and the content and opinions expressed here are all my own.

The Weekend Was Beyond Meaningful

Here's how it went; the short version...

1. We went to a Seattle bar that was decorated with pinball machines (awesome) and clowns (terrifying).
2. Staying at a hotel west of the train track means you wait for a lot of trains to pass before going anywhere in Seattle.
3. Yes, I was very nervous for the wedding.
4. When you ask for "big hair," think twice. Have it put up. Big hair falls flat and then you're nowhere.
5. I did bring a flask. But I shared it around and only got a couple sips myself.
6. I threw up twice before the wedding.
7. The ceremony could not have been in a more beautiful setting.
8. Everyone was very complimentary about my speech and such and I am deeply gratified for it. And pleased with how it went. 
9. I have wonderful friends and cannot adequately express in words how much I love them and enjoyed their company this weekend.
10. I am immensely happy for my friends, the newlyweds. 

The long version...

We all trickled into the wonderful city of Seattle last week - most of us on Thursday with some having arrived the day before or coming the day after - for a beautiful and joyous wedding that took place on Friday evening. 

I was happy to be in early on Thursday, even though getting up at 4am was a bitch and a half. We wasted very little time at the hotel and went right to the Pike Place Market, which I absolutely love. I imagine if I ever lived in Seattle and had the financial means and choice of jobs, I'd choose to be near it and spend a lot of time there. We also discovered the most delightful little tea and crumpets shop where I enjoyed delicious earl grey and a strange-but-yummy crumpet topped with orange marmalade and bleu cheese. One of my friends had hot chocolate that was basically the best hot chocolate in the history of the world. 

Thursday night was the rehearsal and a traditional dinner following. It was a real landmark for me in my life. I mean, it really got real that night. We were all lined up and going through the motions, and that was some wedding realness there, but what really drove it home was sitting around a table afterward, with the grooms, Maid of Honor and Best Man, signing documents and filling out paperwork. And there it was - my name and "Minister." My signature on a government paper that signified the marriage of two dear friends. Two male friends who did not even have the legal right to this privelege a couple years ago. I must admit I fought off tears a couple times, if not a queasy stomach. The weight of what I was doing really affected me in a way I did not anticipate. But I think that's good. I think this should be a thing that does weigh on a person. And I think it makes me even more proud they asked me to take on this role.

Friday was the day, of course. We began with hair and makeup appointments. I really enjoyed that, too. I enjoyed the girl time and gabbing with my friends, talking about our dresses and our ridiculous shoes and how we'd all brought Toms or flats as back-ups. Bitching about Spanx. The day went by very quickly, though. Very soon we were dressed and in a suite taking photos. Frantically trying to pour every ounce of excitement and happiness into the experience (or down our throats with Veuve or vodka). 

At some point in the suite, a wave of performance anxiety came over me. And as everyone moved upstairs to a ballroom, I had to sneak away to throw up. That was the first of two times I did that, I'm afraid. And then I had to call my mom who lovingly talked me off the ledge. It's not that I didn't want to perform the ceremony and it's certainly not that I've never spoken in front of a crowd before. But what can I say - I got very nervous about doing this in front of friends. Strangers might judge me and I could give a shit, but these are people I see all the time, some whom I worry do not like me all the time as it is. And even though this ceremony was for my friends, I'd bared a little of my own soul in creating it and I felt really vulnerable. And I simultaneously felt guilty about making any part of this day about me (hence my trying to sneak away and relieve myself when I could). 

But in any case, after the wedding party photos, including some really lovely ones by the harbor, we moved the brigade to the wedding site. 

The ceremony is a blur to me. It's a fuzzy memory in my head right now. I remember and am grateful that people laughed at the parts that were supposed to be funny. And I am glad my poem was well-received. Also, I am really relieved I did not fall over in my heels, which were not too terrible to stand in but certainly not as comfortable as the Toms I wore the rest of the night were. The whole thing lasted all of 27 minutes which felt both too quick and too long. 

And similarly, the reception, which was actually a few hours, also felt too quick and too long. 

On Saturday, I had the opportunity to revisit the EMP Museum, which I loved even more the second time around, and along with six friends, enjoyed one of the best meals I've ever had that night (more on that in a seperate post later). Sunday, many of us got together across town from the hotel to enjoy a brunch and drag queen variety show that was completely fabulous and highly recommend.

I guess, yet again, I must say that this whole trip felt like a whirlwind and at the same time, felt like it went on for an eternity. I guess that's what happens with the most meaningful experiences. They tug at your heart so longingly, it makes time soar. And they wrap themselves around you so tightly, it feels rather epic. Whatever the case, the love and friendship I have felt and benefitted from throughout this process means a great deal to me and I am so thankful. And I must congratulate my friends once more on their marriage. I wrote them a sonnet and read it aloud in the ceremony but I feel like it should not be shared here. It was for them; special for the ocassion. But I'll close with a quote from the 1967 movie Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, which I recited just before the grooms exhancged rings and cemented their bond.

“In the final analysis, the only thing that matters is what you feel. There will be 100 million people right here in this country who will be shocked and offended and appalled, and the two of you will just have to ride that out, maybe every day for the rest of your lives. You could try to ignore those people, or you could feel sorry for them and for their prejudice and their bigotry and their blind hatred and stupid fears, but where necessary you'll just have to cling tight to each other and say ‘screw all those people!’ …You're two wonderful people who happened to fall in love… and I think that now, no matter what kind of a case someone could make against your getting married, there would be only one thing worse, and that would be if - knowing who you two are and knowing what you two have and knowing what you two feel- you didn't get married.”

Ladies of the Court: A Girls Knight Out

Note: This post looks long. It's not. It just has lots of pretty pictures. So scroll on, mighty reader. Scroll on... The best parts are at the end because, well, I saved the best for last like all classy dames do. 

I promise I will not write this entire post with words like "doth" and "hath" and "cometh."

But it's super tempting.

Medieval Times, located in a kingdom not so far away from my own (Buena Park, right down the street from Knotts Berry Farm), was kind enough to invite me and three friends to attend a show and partake of their finest eats and some grog. A "Girls KNIGHT Out." Genius. 

First things first. When you get in, they assign you to your color(s) for the evening. A tip: Abandon reality at the door. Root for your knight with all your might. We proudly cheered for the black and white knight that evening. And it was worth every vocal chord sprained cause he was dreamy. But more on that later.

Then you have time to hang. We saw all the horses in their stalls being prepped for the show. There are lots of fun things to buy and see and laugh about. We enjoyed the "wench boybeater" tanks. And lots of fun photo opps to be had. My friend Danielle, for instance, contemplated a lovely ensemble from the little princesses section. 

The "grog" I mentioned, by the way, is Pepsi products (YAY!!!) or water, tea, etc. Basics. Anything boozy is extra. And frankly, pricey. We skipped the boozy stuff. The food, though, is quite delicious and even though there was not a vegetarian among us, good to know they have them covered. 

For the record, I could live on that "castle bread," which is actually a soft, warm garlic bread. The pastry is an apple popover that is also tasty. 

But yeah -- bring extra money. If not for the fun goodies in the gift shop, you need to tip your server. The staff is super nice and friendly -- they deserve your love. (Case and point - the couple sitting next to me was horrible. Drunk and disorderly and the server was still delightful. They did not tip. I wanted to punch them. But I overtipped instead.) 

Our "wench," Sandra was new to the castle and she was lovely. When she donned her cape and marched with Team Black & White, we hooted and hollered for her. 

Why was the couple next to me drunk and disorderly, by the way? Because they were downing these bad boys:

Don't get me wrong - another time, another place, I'd be ALL ABOUT these. But on an empty stomach, lord knows how many they put away before they sat down. I just had to mention it in here cause seriously, they were a mess. It was hilarious, though, and made much of the night even more enjoyable. In fact, in hindsight, I probably enjoyed sitting next to them more than I would have small children, so thanks drunk couple! 

But then there's the show. ON WITH THE SHOW! It's pretty awesome. And the more you allow yourself to be a goofball, the more fun you'll have. And needless to say, WE HAD A LOT OF FUN!

These guys are badass, ok? There's horses and a friggin' FALCON and the knights with the swords and the dueling and the jousting. The arena is filled with the oderous fumes of testosterone, ladies. Eat your hearts out. 

But wait, cause now this brings me to the BEST PART. 

I mentioned our knight was dreamy? I wasn't kidding. Don't judge me -- we were there for a Girls Knight Out, after all. Why shouldn't we enjoy some eye candy? This is a pretty family friendly spot but good to know there's plenty of ways to enjoy the show without kids in tow, right? 

And - ADDED BONUS - I got to interview my knight. Remember when I said "best part?"

Please meet Sam Houx, 23, from Crescent, California. How often do you get to hear from these guys? Probably not very often. This was a lot of fun to do and thanks so much, Sam, for humoring me. 

Q: Are you a full-time knight or do you have other occupations in your kingdom?

I am a full-time knight.  When we are not performing we are busy up keeping the weapons and caring for our trusty companions; our stallions. We also train for two to three hours a day, five days a week. 

Q: What do you do for fun when you're not working/knighting? 

I enjoy working out.  I am also into video games.  I play World of War Craft. 

Q: Did you already have experience on horseback or did you have to apprentice before being knighted?

I did not.  I was a horseback “virgin.”  I had to learn everything brand new.  Before becoming a knight, we must be a squire and from there we go onto train to be a knight.  The process takes anywhere from six months to one year. 

Q: Is there a fair maiden in your life? Do you wear the armor on dates? (I would.)

Yes, there is a fair maiden in my life.  Unfortunately, I do not. 

Q: What is your favorite medieval snack and/or beverage? I was partial to the Diet Grog, myself. 

I don’t think my favorite snack/drink is medieval but I’ll tell you anyway -- protein shakes. It’s how I stay so “knightly.”

***

TO which I say: KEEP IT UP, SAM. IT'S WORKING. I should also mention Sir Sam is like seven feet tall. Ok, in all seriousness, he's probably like 6'7". But yeah, he's a big guy. *wink*wink* (Yeah, I went there. Deal with it.) 

So... thank you so much Medieval Times. And again, thanks to Sandra and Sam. And to the fair maidens who joined me in this KNIGHT out. What a great time! 

And even though we already got through the best part, here is the SECOND BEST part. Because in addition to this coupon code "35BLOG" which will save you more than $20 per person on admission, I am giving away FOUR tickets to attend the show! YES! You and your best maidens and knights or little princes and princesses can go and enjoy. Consider it a gift from Sam, the dreamy knight (who, fair warning, may not be wearing black and white the night you attend, so keep an eye out for his wonderfully chiseled features). 

 

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And disclosure for all you lovely FTC peeps out there -- Medieval Times invited me to embark on this adventure on their dime. Opinions, as always, are my own. 

Nothing But Love Today

When I logged into Facebook this morning and my feed looked like this (see below), I knew that:

1. I picked the right friends
2. I love them even more than I did yesterday
3. This has to happen
4. I will be heartbroken for all of us if it doesn't

I'm not under any illusion that the Supreme Court is sitting there with social media at the ready, just waiting for hundreds of profile photos to make up their minds. I only wish to join my community in supporting civil rights. I want to show my love and support to friends and family whose future paths are about to be laid out.

For Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest, here is the image of the day:

And here is only a snippet of what my Facebook feed looks like.

P.S. One of my friends posted it. It wins the day:

Everything I Need to Know About Friendship I Learned From... The Golden Girls?

The Golden Girls remains hugely popular in syndication -- it airs on four cable networks. Betty White has been all but granted Sainthood at this point as the sole surviving Golden Girl. 

And I love them. I watch the reruns often and even though I know every single episode disturbingly well, I still laugh and enjoy it. 

So I thought I would bring them to you. I was randomly inspired to write and compile this because a friend told me The Golden Girls are coming to LOGO. 

 

1. They will be there to encourage you when you're hesitant.

 

 

2. They will be the Sonny to your Cher. Sometimes literally.

3. Your friends will never wear the same outfit as you.

 

4. But they will also tell you when your outfit isn't quite right.

 

 

5. Your friends will teach you about the facts of life.

 

 

6. They will sing and celebrate with you.

 

 

7. Your friendsw will  really have your back in the most embarassing of moments.

8. And they'll listen to your long, stupid stories even when they don't want to... Most of the time.

  

 

9. Your friends won't judge you when you're sleep deprived and delerious.

 

 

10. Lean on your friends when you're sick - they will bring you comfort and as a special treat, cheat a classy restraurant out of expensive champagne.

 

 

WHEN IN DOUBT: CHEESECAKE!

A Very Happy & Healthy Birthday to Yours Truly

So I turned 32. And luckily, I was too busy, stressed out and crazed to care. Last year, I was pretty traumatized by entering my thirties. Actually turning 30 held no power over me, but somehow, 31 was like this asshole looming on the horizon.

And now I am 32. Which, really, feel no older than 31. And like I said, no feeling about it. 

But as I continue to remind you lovely, patient readers, I had a pretty scary year and I felt the need to celebrate. But not just celebrate me and my day; what I really wanted to do was celebrate my frienships. 

So I thought to myself, "I should do something to toast to our continuing good health." And to that end, I threw a supremely health conscious festivity...

For example, I provided nutritious snacks:

See? There's fruit in there. 

And I also provided beverages rife with vitamins and valuable minerals:

Not only is there DIET soda, but as you can see, a fruit AND veggie option...

And of course, a calcium-rich main course, because it does your body good:

Here's to healthy bones!

I think my friends were really grateful for a new spin on Saturday night partying. 

250 Smiling Faces

I spent this Memorial Weekend with the teens I volunteer for at a local university campus for their annual, regional convention.

All I can think of now are numbers. For example:

4: Days the convention lasted.

250: Kids in attendance.

12: Grown ups present - my family; my laughter. 

1: Amazing roommate and cuddle buddy.

10: Beautiful girls present from my chapter. 

9: Hours of sleep accumulated. 

I can't begin to count how much I laughed, cried, loved, hugged, smiled... This was a truly fabulous weekend. Kudos to the kids who planned it. So young and so strong and smart. They blew me away. 

I continue to learn more from them than I could ever hope to teach in return.

 

Oh, Vegas, City of Sin

Had a GREAT time this past weekend with three of my girlfriends in Vegas. There was no focused celebration or reason to go other than we needed to escape California for a couple days and where better to do it?

The thing about Vegas is, for me, I feel liberated the second the car crosses the California/Nevada border. Maybe sooner. Maybe from the moment we hit the road and turned the Vegas mix on the iPod. There's nothing like a good music mix to get you in the mood. I am, as it happens, the master of the mix. I am totally "DJ Jazzy Jew."

Nothing annoys me more than play-by-play blogs so here are just some photo highlights and some fabulous quotes I took down over the weekend. (I was named the quote-book-keeper.) I bet you can tell which things were said under the influence and which were stated out of sheer genius...

It might help to know that by the end of the weekend, we'd all earned new nicknames. You'll pick up on that...

Deb: We never found sugar daddies…

Me: That's ok- we found Kristy the cocktail waitress!

 

 

Me: Wanna smell my foot? (As I pretty much put it right in front of her nose because I am disgusting)

Deb: Smells like vegas.

 

Deb: I'm gonna have some FRENCH TOAST (Imagine Leslie Mann in the 40 Year Old Virgin)

Frat boy passing by us to his buddy: Dude, I totally want french toast now.

Steph:  Dear lobster, by the time I finished eating you, I was hungry again.  Hugs n' kisses, Liberace

 

 

Me, after tasting Steph’s nasty mojito: Dude, my makeup remover has less alcohol than this. Shit, turpentine is more palatable.

 

Deb: Guys, I wanna have coke bottles in my hair by the end of this weekend

Me: I want a microwave burrito.

Deb: There are many subtle layers of HO. Crispy, extra crispy, or like some deep fried ho.

Deb: Omigod, it smells like Vegas. So gross. I love it.

Deb, upon seeing our beautiful room: It’s like Jesus lives here.

 

 
Deb, taking a swig of the Grand Lux strawberry martini: It burns on the way down.

Steph to well-dressed dudes: What are you guys in town for?

Deb: The convention of awesomeness.

 

Deb, to the taxi driver: What's your name?

Taxi driver: Daniel

Melissa: Daniel? That's my therapist’s name.

Taxi Driver: Maybe I could be your second therapist.

(seems like a good idea, no?)

Steph: Melissa I have something for you. It's a red flag.

Me: My Vegas is throbbing

Sam, new friend from the pool:  I date guys who take steroids because they hate themselves.

Me (via Facebook): Dear Vegas, Steph is drunk. I got a new hat. What up?

 

 

Deb: Melissa said “Drink, don't think.” Man, the rules get flipped in Vegas.