CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

Things I Absolutely Will Never Try -- And One That I Would

In the endless struggle of my friend Danielle having BRILLIANT ideas and me wanting nothing to do with them, I bring you the latest "Eff you! I'm a GENIUS."

I will say, Danielle is always trying to make me braver than I am. So I guess she gets credit for that. The problem is, Danielle wants to do things like WALK ACROSS THE GRAND CANYON ON A GLASS WALKWAY.

And I'm like "Ain't nobody got time for that." 

Other things I do not have time for. (Translation: I'm a giant wimp.)

The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror at Disney California Adventure. Theme park rides that involve any kind of plummeting do not interest me. Why is this fun? I'll never understand you death-seeking crazypants types. 

Wear sports shirts and go to bars so that guys will talk to us. No way. This seems like an ill-fated strategy. However I have negotiated down. Danielle will wear a shirt that says "I'm with slut" and I will stand next to her. Frankly, I think that will get us more attention than sports tees. 

The one thing I absolutely will do? BUBBLE FOOTBALL. 

Oh yes. This exists. Watch this and tell me it doesn't make you giggle. I want it. 

 

And good news for us all, I found the site where you can buy the bubbles. What's it actually called?

FUNBALLZ. There are all inds of sports-related bubble shapes and it's all the rage in Europe. Coca-Cola is a sponsor.

You're welcome, America. 

 

Another Brilliant Word: The New Vocabulary

Warning: I suppose this entry could be kind of offensive. If you don't like dirty words, may I kindly suggest you go read this delightful blog about cute animals instead.

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My friend Danielle had another bright idea. I think.

Clitty: adjective \ Acting like a crazy female. 

Usage: "Stop calling him every ten minutes! You're being clitty." 

Please feel free to embrace this new word and use it at will. 

You're welcome. 

A Stroke of Brilliance

Not so long ago (no really, it was this morning) on AIM (yep, I am still using that):

Me: I'm sure I'm crazier than anyone

Her: We should have a crazy off. First prize gets their own straight jacket.

Me: Oh, I just want a padded room… I've never understood why a room that is basically floor to ceiling mattresses is a bad thing, BTW.

Her: Except that they call it a cell and not a room.

Me: Whatever – semantics! No one will interrupt my sleep there.

Me: They should open a resort with padded cells

Her: hahahahah

Her: I just imagine the pads smell

 

To which I replied:

Look, I'm not totally without sense. I know it's probably not okay to make jokes about psychiatric facilities and lord knows I am a big supporter of mental health issues, but let's be honest; there is something deeply appealing about laying out in a room that is padded floor-to-ceiling. They bring you your meals and no one can email, text or call you. 

I'm just saying we could all use a little metaphorical padded cell in our lives, people. ;) 

Another New Recurring Series for the #Blog

As my friend Danielle always says, it is her job to come up with the genius ideas and to then nag me and nag me and NAG ME until I execute them. 

Then I have to buy her a house and possibly a pony. 

Today, as we discussed our mututal excitement (and that word hardly does it justice) for the impending NSync reunion at the MTV Video Music Awards, we began a trip down Mickey Mouse Club memeory lane. 

It lead us to this gem of a video featuring Justin and JC along with tiny Ryan Gosling and Dale. 

 

D: Do you think Ryan Gosling will ever star in a musical or is he still thinking he's Brando?

A: Here's what we need -- a musical movie starring Christian Bale and Ryan Gosling

D: About men who can't find shirts.

Which brings me to the newest recurring feature to join my blog family (What's Up Friday and COFG Flashback). 

Yep, that's right. Expect genius on a recurring basis. We don't care if you judge. We're brilliant.