CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

A Passive Aggressive Letter To My Next Door Neighbor

Hey there.... dude. 

Yeah. About that, DUDE. I apologize but I don't know your name. Remember that time I tried to walk up to you in the hall but you went right past me? I was going to ask your name then but I'm sure you just had somewhere to be. No worries. There was also that time I said "Hi, you know...." which was going to to turn into "we haven't been introduced yet!" but you kept walking then, too. I get it, you are obviously very busy and important. (Even though I don't know very many busy and important men over 30 who wear Green Hornet tees and cargo shorts with holes in them. But hey, you gotta go with what works for you.) 

In any case, my man, I just wanted to say thanks for keeping me up last night. I mean, I had been out all day with friends and was pretty tired. You know, sometimes on Sunday nights I can be pretty lazy, but thanks to you, I was forced to stay up pretty late and watch TV and get work done! YES! Going to bed early or on time is overrated anyway, right? I certainly wouldn't want to get get in the way of your need to build furniture at 11:00 at night. Not at all. I can't think of a better time to do it anyway. It wasn't that bad when you started hammering and the way my wall vibrated when you used the power drill was practically therapeutic, so KUDOS, guy. Well done. I'm sure whatever IKEA  purchase you made looks GREAT paired with the video game chair Amazon delivered last week. (You remember, it sat out in the hall for a couple days before you dragged it inside.)

It's really terrific you like video games. Since I don't own a console, at the volume you play Guitar Hero in the evenings, I really get to feel like I do own an XBOX every now and then and it really saves me from feeling left out on life. It's a good thing you like that one heavy metal song so much - it's allowed me to really memorize the GOOD AND LOUD parts super well. 

Also? That time I passed you in the hall when I was carrying my heavy laundry basket and said "so sorry, excuse me," but you didn't let me by? Totally forgiven. I mean, no biggie. So what if we were both heading to our neighboring apartments and you took the long way around to avoid me? I appreciate that sometimes a guy just wants a little solitude over the pressures of being chivalrous. 

Don't worry, a lot of the other neighbors have told me you're a loner and a little weird and someone even had the audacity to tell me about this one time when you left your wet laundry in three washing machines overnight leaving the laundry room to smell a little moldy, but I don't pay that much attention to gossip. Even when the sweet old lady down the hall with the hip problem told me about the time you wouldn't help her bring a heavy package into her apartment so she gave up trying to get to know you -- well, I just told her I wouldn't pass judgement until I got to know you. Which may be never but whatevs, right? 

Anyway, just wanted to say "hey" and wish you the best. I look forward to the next time you burn something and wake me with the fire alarm at 2 AM. It's always good to practice what I'll do in an emergency.

HUGS!

AJ

Dear COFG...? Who me?

I got this email last week:

Greetings! You seem really into social media and wanted to ask you what applications and tools you can't live without.

There was a bit more but it was personal to the writer, so I'm paraphrasing. 

Alright, so if you have a couple hours, I will respond.

Just kidding. I mean, truly, outside of the obvious -- Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Tumblr -- I could refer you to a helluva lot. I just counted; I have 238 apps on my iPhone. That can't be normal. And that's not even all -- I am sure I have apps on my iPad that I don't keep on my iPhone. Okay, not I feel a little queasy. And I think I need to clean up my app drawers....

Can anyone top that?

But anyway, like I said, other than the obvious, here are my favorite apps and programs. I hope you find something on the list that you simply must try or something you just started using and also love. Do let me know in the comments below - I love to hear about that stuff.

And despite having so many frickin' things on my phone, if you don't see an app I absolutely have to try, I hope you'll drop me a note about that, too!

Bloglovin' - Thank the lord someone posted about this to my SoCal Lady Bloggers Facebook group. You go to the site, sign up, add all the blogs you want to follow, and then you get notified every time one of your favorite blogs has written a new blog post. There is a Google Chrome plugin, a web-based application and an app. I can now read alll of my blogs all the time in any place and never miss a beat. Mind blown.

Buffer - Plenty of apps let you schedule tweets and posts but as we've learned thus far, I like things with Google Chrome plugins. And it keeps me from over-scheduling. I have my buffer set to a few times a day and as I drop articles and such into the queue, it posts them at those times. It's a great -- I love to share all the fabulous things I come across and Buffer helps me not annoy people. It also has an app and I use its "share now" function when I want to tweet and facebook at the same time. 

Catch - There are a ton of project management tools. You'll see two more immediately following this one. But I like Catch because of its simple, clean and color-coded user interface and its sharability -- both with myself and my various homes online and with friends and collaborators. 

Dropbox - You're probably using it. Simply put, you can put files in your dropbox and access them anywhere. It's really wonderful for work because I can check my work email at home, but not my files and so if I am in the middle of something and need to head out of the office, I can pop the file into the dropbox and pick it up on the other side. And in a pinch, I can grab things on my phone, too. 

Evernote - Yes. Yes, I use this and Catch. I just like different things about the two so I've just decided to use both. Catch is a great, user-friendly app, but Evernote has some bells and whistles I really appreciate. It also has a native desktop app for Windows and OSX as well as a Chrome plugin, so it's really the MOST accessible thing ever. On top of that you get the ability to add documents to notes, seamless integration with other apps, the ability to secure your notes with a passcode lock when opening the app and more. 

Goodreads - I am proud to say I've been on board with GR since it's creation in 2007. It's a really great online community. It is the world’s largest site for readers, book lovers and book recommendations. They just want you to love reading. What's more, TONS of authors are involved with GR and post to it regularly. It's so much fun. I've also worked with them in my professional life -- they could not be a nicer group. I hope Amazon's recent purchase of Goodreads does not change its mojo. (Consequently, I hope it does not leave Shelfari employees without jobs.)

If This, Then That (IFTTT) - Omigod, I don't know how to explain this genius. You need to click on the acronym and see for yourself. I guess it's like a recipe book for online. For example, whenever I take a photo in Instagram, IFTTT detects a "recipe" I created and simultaneously saves that photo to my Dropbox. There are nearly 3400 recipes on IFTTT. You're welcome.

Instacollage - There are like 10 million photo apps, right? This one lets me make collages. You can add frames, backgrounds, upload directly to Facebook,Twitter, Instagram and so on. And it's FREE, internets. Enjoy. 

MyMovies - If I have 238 apps in my iPhone, I'm sure I have DOUBLE that amount in my DVD and Blu-ray home library. To be fair, I worked in film and TV for six years. You just acquire a lot of stuff. But this hoarding-hobby started in college, if I'm being honest. The residents (of my dorm) with the biggest VHS collections were the most popular -- everyone came to visit me to borrow movies. I made many friends that way. And recently, when I was bitching about losing track of my collection, the editor of Monsters & Critics directed me to MyMovies. God bless him, it's the best thing ever. I can scan bar codes before I even put them on the shelf and BOOM! Cataloged. And so great to just let people pan through on my phone to see what they wanna borrow. (P.S. There is a free version of this app, but I paid the $4.99 so I can access my library from my account, not just from my device. That will make things considerably easier when I get a new phone some day.) 

Pocket - Once a link is saved to Pocket, the list of content is visible on any device -- phone, tablet or computer. It can be even be viewed offline. Pocket is available for all major devices and platforms including iPad, iPhone, Kindle Fire, Android, Google Chrome, and Firefox. When I'm working, I pocket articles I come across and read them at home later. Great tool.

Timehop - I am always, always surprised more people are not using TImehope. A friend told me about it a year or so ago. It's part of my daily routine now. You can see your photos and updates from this exact day in history from up to seven years ago. And you can share things with friends -- it's a great way to laugh about an old joke or revisit an old, loved memory.

Tinyscan - TinyScan turns your iPhone into a mini scanner for documents, photos, receipts and other texts and saves or shares them as PDF files. I didn't even realize this costs money -- someone gave me a promo code for it a while back. $4.99 seems like a lot for an app to me but it may be worth it if you could use this for business.

Tweetdeck - Tweetdeck is not what it used to be, but I still like it more than Hootsuite. It brings more flexibility and insight to Twitter power users. I've just recently started using it as a plugin in Chrome and viewing it in a tab. It's revent purchase and revamp by Twitter makes it work better though I still miss it interfacing with Facebook.

Waze - I did this alphabetically, but I LOVE Waze more than words can say, so it fits that it's in the "best for last" spot. Waze, which was recently purchased by Google (don't screw it up!), is the fastest-growing community-based traffic and navigation app. Join other drivers in your area who share real-time traffic and road info, saving everyone time and gas money on their daily commute. It finds traffic jams and navigates you around them. THAT is my favorite feature. Last night, it cut 20 minutes out of my drive home. I was THRILLED. And no, I do NOT use it while I'm driving. That is why you take advantage of Siri, people. And voice command. Learn it. Embrace it. 

 

Odds and Ends - Blogger Catchup Time

I have all these funny little anecdotes that I've been banking in the annals of my mind that I figured I'd purge all over you nice people.

I really love hockey --  it's the most loved sport in my family -- but this year, even more so than last year when my team won the cup, I got REALLY obsessed. It may have something to do with my current job, which gives me more access to the team, but there's been a lot of yelling at the television in my home this post season. I'm not saying that as a bad thing. I'm just sharing. I think I am best left alone when I watch games, is the point. (When the Kings got ousted from the post-season, I actually teared up. But the wine probably didn't help.)

Last week, I got recognized at the supermarket. I was at Gelson's, partaking in their lovely salad bar, and a girl about my age and size was staring at me. I noticed her quickly because I liked her cardigan. I bumped into her in two more aisles before I finally just said "I'm sorry, do we know each other?" She replied "I think I read your blog." I thanked her profusely and told her I liked her sweater and still feel slightly like and asshole that I didn't even get her name. So if you are reading this, black and white sweater girl from Gelson's, I love you; you made my month. Please leave a comment below so I can worship you further.

I'm still struggling to relax. I'm reading lots of articles called things like "how to say no to people" and it's not helping. I just can't do it. What I can seem to do is cancel plans. Which is probably starting to make me an asshole. The problem is (or maybe it's not a problem), I am too tired to worry about being an asshole. There's got to be an easier way... 

Consequently, I've been battling major insomina. At night, I'm up late because I cannot shut my brain off. And my body does this thing now where I wake up every morning around 5:40 to pee. 

Also, and possibly as consequence, I've had a headache off and on for about three weeks now. I should probably stop mentioning it at work. Or at all. People always instinctively ask "have you taken something" and I always wanna reply "NO. I've had a headache for three weeks but am enjoying it so much, I've done nothing to try and cure it." It's rooted in the left side of my sinus cavity and shoots up into my head, ear and down through my jaw at will. It is horrible. It is probably further proof I should have sinus surgery but that's going to stay one of those things I bitch about and never fix like my right ankle. 

I've re-signed up for online dating. Trying this again. So far, it's been a succession of offensive and/or sleezy pick-up lines and akward situations. The winner so far is Tinder, who paired me with a former youth group teen, who is now 21. I basically wanted to die. Runner up to the COUPLE who hit on me via OK Cupid. They BOTH wanted to put their hands all over me so kind of a win, I guess. 

P.S. Just now noticing I way overused the word "asshole" in this post. And not caring. Guess what that probably makes me....?

 P.P.S. NEVER EVER Google-image-search "asshole." OMG, I'm never going to recover... 

I'm Gonna Need Some Cheese For my Whine

And now, my friends, some rather poignant and touching love notes.

 

 

Oh dear, I'm sorry - did I say "love notes?" I meant IRATE AND SARCASTIC LETTERS. 

 

Dear travelers of the world,

THAT. IS NOT. CARRY ON LUGGAGE. I just piad $25 to check mine, you can pay to check yours. You can't even lift that shit up to the overhead compartment! Who are you trying to fool? 

P.S. (Virgin America heard my cries and totally gave me a $25 credit. They win.)

 

Dear Angelina Jolie,

The only people who should be wearing white satin are knights (get it?) - and there is absolutely no one who should have arms as skinny as yours. You have, like, 35 kids. How do you lift them without fracturing your scapula? 

P.S. (Even with a cane, your husband is totally hot.)

 

Dear Ricky Gervais,

You wimp. WTF? 

 

Dear MY BLADDER,

OMG, when did I turn into a 90 year old? I think I have peed 18 times today. And let's be honest, I don't give you that much to work with. My office-mates and I would very much appreciate a reprieve. I am tired of getting up every 30 minutes. I suspect a plot against us is in the works so let's get it together. 

 

Dear San Francisco,

I miss you. And you have made me miss New York. And subsequently, my best friend in New York. What city would you recommend I visit next? 

 

Dear Uggie, 

You are the most adorable dog in the history of dog-dome. I absolutely LOVED The Artist but you just stole the show. I am rushing home tonight to watch your tricks on today's Ellen via my Tivo.

I wish there was an Academy Award for animal appearances. I suspect we would very much enjoy your speech.

A Letter on Behalf of my Hips

Dear Dodger Stadium,

I have a bone to pick with you!

Damn you and your unrealistic little seats. With your hard, cold, metal armrests that cut into my sides and leave  me bruised the next morning. Look here, stadium people, I may be heavy but I am not  morbidly obese. And I could fit into a normal chair and I am even be tolerably uncomfortable in Staples Center. But put me in those tiny Dodger seats, coupled with the girl beside me being larger than I am, and what we have are the makings of really horrible seating. It's not for the likes of me. At a concert, you stand a lot and this made it better but I will not be coming to a game there in my current size, for fear sitting in the hor sun, being squeezed in by your horrid seating might ruin me. The girl beside me kept apologizing and we both know it is not her fault. It forced me to keep myright arm around my friend most of the night when we were seated and frankly, I like my friend Jessica but I had no desire to know her in the bliblical sense!

And what, pray tell, is with your concessions? Where is a pseudo-healthy alternative? At Staples, you can get a salad or some grilled soft tacos. They have caramel apples but at least it's an apple! You can even bring in your own food and they tend to let that slide. But you can forget bringing in your own food at Dodger Stadium, you facist small-seating nazis. So what is supposed to be your healthy alternative? Carl's Jr.? Panda Express Orange Chicken? Dodger Dogs or Gordon Biersch Garlic Fries? Malts or ice Cream Sandwiches? And while I'm at it, fuck you for your $5 bottles of water and your $4.75 "large" soda. Up yours for your $13 CPK mini-pizzasthat you run out , $10 beer, $20 parking of and your lack of napkins. Grrrrr....

And if you could PLEASE rennovate your digusting murky bathrooms, I would be much obliged. The smells, the muddy ground, the leaking pipes... it's enough to keep me from drinking anything 24 hours in advance of being in your park.