CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

A Blog About Drunk Bitches and Other Things at Concerts

In some instances I can actually be kind of a prude. But I think I make up for this with a total lack of judgement on other occasions. You're welcome. America.

What can I say, sometimes you just gotta strap on the ol' Bad Idea Jeans and get going!

And so we must talk a bit about drunk bitches in public places. 

Seriously, people. They are taking over my concerts.

Take these intoxicated broads. Not even clapping to the beat, mind you, and basically falling all over each other. Sitting in laps and in the wrong spots... HOT. MESS. Yes, I am judging and walking a fine bitchy line -- don't care. They worked hard to earn my scorn so I'm giving it to 'em! 

And I was thus inspired to bring to you a list of concert etiquette tips. As an avid concert goer and a music publicist (I guess that's what I am these days), I feel well equipped to send this out into the world. 

1. So yeah, basically? DO NOT GET DRUNK. Just don't. Are you really enjoying the concert when you can barely stand up? Why do people do this to themselves? And why spend as much money as venues charge for alcohol? I mean, at the very least, do the respectful thing and smuggle in a flask. Enjoy a nice buzz and enjoy some sweet, sweet live tunes. Concert tickets are expensive. You're not getting your money's worth if you spend the whole show worried about where your next beer is coming from. 

2. One-hitters. Mini pipes. Whatever they're called -- WTF, people? I'm not even talking about pot. I've accepted this is a part of life now. People get high at concerts. I just prefer they refrain from doing it in my face. But I see a ton of these little one-hitter pipes with strawberry scented smoke... I don't know what these are. And I don't know why a mom and a dad need to share one with their fifteen year old or why you can't go three hours, let alone three minutes, without using one. Go away. If I have to use my inhaler at a concert cause you need your strawberry hookah fix, we're gonna have words. 

3. The standing up laws of shows. Are you the only one standing in your section? Stop being an asshat and sit down. You wanna dance, I get it, and I wish I had your energy, but let's not ruin it for the rest of the group. You paid good money for your right to enjoy the show? Well so did I. Just embrace it. I'm a cranky old lady and I will throw something at you. 

4. Do you pee a lot? Need a snack every 30 minutes? Plan ahead. Get an aisle seat. And don't patronize me by apologizing every. single. time. It's so annoying. You're sorry? Then stop stepping on my toes! 

5. Very simple: minimize your posters. I love your crafty enthusiasm but not when it obstructs my view. 

6. PUT THE PHONE DOWN. Not the whole time. Snap a few pics for Instagram, take that video of your favorite song. But why did you pay $100 for your ticket only to watch the whole show through your Samsung Galaxy IV? And what are you doing with that video? Are you rushing home to watch it? Reliving it the next day? I'm cofnused about this. Do you need it to brag to someone you were there? Show them your ticket stub. Buy a program. You're being ridiculous.

7. And along that line, your Words With Friends turn can wait 45 minutes. Stoppit. This rule is probably universally true in life, not just at concerts.

8. Shouting out "I LOVE YOU!!!!!" and "MARRY ME!!!!" is stupidity to me but doing it multiple times is just irritating. And stop with the song requests. They can't hear you and they're not asking. You're probably doing this because you're hammered in which case I beseech you to refer to rule 1. 

9. This is not an American Idol audition. You are not going to be discovered. This is not your show. Calm down and stop waving your Mariah Carey hand in my face. 

10. Are you having a conversation about carpool and the latest store to open in the mall? That's lovely but take it to Starbucks, girls. Ain't nobody got time for that here.

A Whovian Moment (That's a Time Travel Reference, Non-Nerds)

Anyone else a Doctor Who fan? No? Just me?

*crickets*

I don't believe it. Shame on all of you. Go DVR some Doctor Who, you guys. 

But anyway, I digress. The whole point of this post is to unveil yet another recurring feature of my blog:

Look! Another logo! The phonebooth is called a Tardis. Again, it's a Doctor Who thing. (I bet you really wish you watched it now, don't you?)

If it helps, think about the phone booth in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure - it's a time travel thing. Get it? I guess we can all conclude that in the future, all time travel will be happening in phone booths since that seems to be a thing.

And I thought it would be fun if now and then I revisited something fun or useful I posted about in years prior. And thanks to the Timehop app I mentioned in my June 20 post, it's pretty easy to find something I want to revisit.

So about this time, two years ago, I was getting SUPER EXCITED for the New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys concert.

Oh yes.

I love boy bands. I am not ashamed. I mean, I love pop music a lot and just especially Boy Bands. *NSYNC, BSB, NKOTB, Hanson (yeah, I'm including them) and even the present day'ers like One Direction and The Wanted... I just turn into a giddy 12 year old. Going to the NKOTBSB concert was a nostalgic, screaming, joyous, teen-idol-crushing mess of a great time. And the tickets were a gift so thank you once more to Leslie, who took me and my +1 to the show. 

 

Yeah, our seats were kind of ridiculous.

The Right Stuff.

Oh hi, Jordan Knight in my section.

Oh yeah, we got Kevin, too (who was on leave at the time).

Biggest and bestest boy band ever - NKOTBSB

And then, also, I got some priceless video out of the evening. I mean, I touched Brian Littrell's hand, you guys. I was basically a puddle.

 

 

I'd like to also point out that since this concert, I've met Donnie Wahlberg (NKOTB), Kevin Richardson (BSB) and, of course, my FAVORITE EVER, Joey McIntyre (NKOTB). I've seen Hanson in concert and am seeing them again this Fall. 

Happy two-year anniversary NKOTBSB!

Listening with Koss

Hey, look! An actual confession in a blog called Confessions of...!

Confession: I love headphones. I do. I love them because I love gadgets and I love technology. I love them because they kind of make you cool -- so long as you're wearing the right pair. I love them because it's a small dip in a pool of relaxation. 

I get pitched a lot of stuff but you better believe I squealed out loud when I saw Koss headphones hit my inbox. 

Yes. Yes, I would like to review your headphones designed by Olympian Dara Torres, Koss. 

At first, I was skeptical. These headphones are "for women, by women." That doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Ears are ears, right? And frankly, mine are kind of on the large side - there's not a dainty thing about this woman, but I digress as usual.

But the truth is, Koss "FitClips" utilize an original and unique design that ensures the perfect fit. In short, they're squishy (see photo below - I demonstrated). And they're sort of customizable because they come with three sizes of ear cushions. So while no, I'm not a dainty lady, they had something for me and something for a dainty lady. Good on them. They come in a variety of colors and have a sweat-resistent coating, which is easier on the hair -- wearing sweaty headphones actually causes frizz. Take it from this headphones junkie. 

Also, the sound is really great. You're not going to block out the universe but at the very least, you'll block out co-workers or gym rats who insist on boring your with the latest story of how their kids won "student of the month" in their third grade class. 

AND, because Koss is awesome and I love you all so much, they are permittingme to give away a pair of Koss FitClips in the very trendy lime color (retail $29.99). Check it out:

 

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Quote of the Day: A Gentleman's Wife?

For my birthday, a friend posted this GEM on my Facebook wall. I have NO IDEA how I've gone 34 years and am only hearing this now for the first time. We are failing at life, people. This is SO much better than Boston's "Amanda" and Barry Manilow's "Mandy," right?!

 

My Night with Wilson Phillips

Friday night, I saw the Rolling Stones in concert. It was epic. One of the best concerts I've ever seen, in fact.

But really, it plaes in comparison to the concert I saw the next night -- these badasses:

I know. You're jealous. I'm sorry, but I had to share.

Mick? Keith? No, no. Give me Chyna, Wendy and Carnie. 

And I guess to be fair, they look more like this now:

Wendy Wilson (left) has FOUR sons, you guys. FOUR! I had no idea. 

In all seriousness, though, they're hilarious. I guess a group of  girls who have known each other that long would be. And they sound terriffic. I couldn't believe how many singles they had -- I guess I'd forgotten. And I knew every single one. I'm not gonna lie. We had a GREAT time. It was good, poppy fun. I wish more people had gotten out of their seats to dance. 

 

 

Flow Chart Tribute to The Beatles ;)

Heartbreakingly Beautiful Music

 

I never post this kind of thing but I was really taken by this new version of Jewel's "Foolish Games" that she duets with Kelly Clarkson for her February greatest hits album. I had to share. It's hauntingly beautiful and I predict it will play on repeat in my car very soon.

 

Kelly Clarkson ft Jewel Foolish Games

 

I suppose I liked the song before, but I've always been kind of "eh" over Jewel. But Kelly Clarkson could sing me the friggin' phone book and I'd buy 18 copies. 

Purely For Fun

I love Luke Bryan and when I happened upon "Fuck yeah, Luke Bryan" on Tumblr, I just about died.

Still don't care? Hmph. Watch this video. If you're not swayed, we can't be friends.

Oh wait, this one too. He's too cute. I can't stand it.

(Disclaimer/Explanation: When I have a couple beers in a divey bar on a Friday night, I just wanna come home, drunk text a couple homies, and watch country music videos on YouTube.)