CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

AJ, Where Have You Been?

If anyone deems this "TLDR," I will not blame you. If reading about medical-related anything, especially of the female variety, makes you squeamish, you should probably look away and again, I would not blame you. But should you stick around, I thank you in advance. 

OKAY, HERE WE GO....

Well, first of all, "where have I been?" Blog-wise, I've mostly been at my other site. You can always find more there.  But the answer is really bigger than that. 

More than a year ago, I started to feel sick. "Sick" may not even be the right word. I felt tired. DEADLY tired. Exhausted. It started in January of 2017, when I got my period (and, to be candid, it has not stopped since). Then, as if I were not tired enough, as the year went on, things got exponentially worse. 

Many doctors later (folks, there are some shitty doctors out there - do not settle), we were able to find out I had about 13 Fibroid tumors in my uterus and those suckers had to GO. I say "about" because that's what they could see. It's likely there are more behind them, hiding. The biggest one is tennis ball-sized, pressing into my bladder. This is the most evil and leader of the tumors. It makes me pee like I'm 97. Flip over in bed during sleeping? That asshole makes me wake up to go. Sit down for too long and stand up? Gotta go. I would come to call the tennis ball "Suge Knight." I would come to call the whole lot of them "Suge and the Gang."  (Fun fact: My OBGYN did not know who Suge Knight was. If you also do not, you should google him and also probably see the movie Straight Outta Compton.) 

You gotta put humor into the situation or else you're just gonna go crazy. 

I had two choices - a partial hysterectomy or an abdominal myomectomy (this is like a cesarean section, except instead of pulling out a baby, they pull out the tumors). I opted for the latter. I get pretty stubborn about having my choices taken away from me, which is how I saw the hysterectomy. 

At this time, despite any malaise I felt, I was also working hard to better my life and improve my overall health, and dropping a lot of weight. This is a good thing in theory, of course, and 130 pounds later, I am not at all sorry about it, but it did mean a lot of dietary changes and as such, a lot of deprivation of vitamins (inadvertent) and calories (on purpose) my body was used to ingesting. So.... that. 

Several rounds of lab work prompted my primary physician to send me off to a lab in the hospital where they did Iron infusions. I went six or seven times, in the mornings before work, where some extraordinarily kind nurses (my favorite one would talk about hockey with me!) would put an IV in me and for a couple of hours, I would - literally - pump iron. I didn't mind, in fact. There were heated blankets, animal crackers, and juice boxes. Sometimes I would take out my laptop and work while it was going, sometimes I was too cold to stay awake (a lovely side effect of Anemia -- being a human popsicle) and I would go to sleep with hot packs in my hands. 

But a month later, these treatments had not helped enough, and my physician decided to send me to a Hematologist. At this point, in addition to the infusions, I was, in fact, taking iron pills, multi vitamins, and more, so even though I was chronically bleeding, and eating less, there should have been enough compensation. So really the problem was, my body was not absorbing iron. 

There are several types of Anemia, you see, and it turned out I had a few of them. I was also clinically Vitamin D and B12 deficient. It wasn't life threatening at this time and my Hematologist prescribed a grander series of Iron infusions. This time in her office, where she also treated Cancer patients. I went a few times a week for a few weeks and sat among people far sicker than I, getting my infusions, and trying not to feel miserable and remind myself it could be far worse. Again, I would work most of the time, and sometimes I would sleep.

The problem was, my morale was slipping and I wasn't feeling better. I was still trying to live my life, you know, and other side effects of Anemia were striking me. I wasn't always able to concentrate. My memory wasn't too hot. There would be days I'd have to sit down and sleep because it literally, physically HURT not to do so. I wanted my life and my SELF to be normal. I wanted to do my job well. I felt like I was letting people down. I was panicked something was really wrong with me, and would spend time on Google, looking up my symptoms like a true hypochondriac, trying to figure out which form of Cancer WebMD thought I had. 

In December, a real zinger - I parted ways with the company I was working for. You wanna talk morale? Three days before Christmas, at the height of my health being shitty, I was now losing my health insurance. GREAT. 

In January, to be candid, I managed to hit a lower point. I was working daily to get my health insurance (COBRA) reinstated but some things had been mishandled by various third parties. I will not summarize all of it for you because I've never been so furious, frustrated and heartbroken in my whole life and I refuse to relive it. Honestly. I could feel myself slipping into a deep depression -- well, that's what I thought it was. I was sleeping more. I was freezing cold all of the time. I was pale (even for me!) and I couldn't so much as walk from my bed to the bathroom without feeling out of breath. Climbing stairs? Nope. I had (I counted) a 27-day long headache that nothing would cure. I didn't know what to do. And boy did I develop a lot of empathy for people with lousy or no insurance. What do REALLY sick people do? (And don't tell me "Obamacare" - that is a great offering for some, but it was not something that would help me, nor could I sign up for it quickly enough. It's so beyond complicated.) 

When, in early February, I finally got health insurance again, I went right to my OBGYN. I wanted my surgery to happen as scheduled (back in December, we had planned it for February 15) and I wanted to get better, but there was very bad news. 

I may have been depressed - I had left my job, after all - but I was actually very sick. In addition to being iron deficient (so much so, there was almost none in my body), my hemoglobin was at four and my ferritin was at three. What does that mean? Hemoglobin, which should be at a minimum of 12 but ideally much, much higher, circulates oxygen in your bloodstream and makes your organs go. It's like fuel that way. Without it, my organs were all working major overtime. My lungs, my heart, my liver... This was a lightbulb moment. Now I could explain the complete and utter exhaustion. Some of the nurses didn't even understand how I was walking around at all. I can't explain it either knowing what I know now. All I can tell you is that it's amazing what your mind and body learns to tolerate and push through when you don't have a choice. And what about ferritin? Well, that is the very thing that helps your body absorb iron. Three is so low it's critically dangerous. In fact, they very nearly checked me right into the hospital when they got those results, but did I mention I am stubborn? 

So the surgery had to be postponed. No one wanted to risk organ failure or my bleeding out on the table and I was super ticked about just EVERYTHING, but I certainly did not want to die on that sword, so I got myself back to the Hematologist. 

Now, did you know all the hurricanes over the last year have left our country with a shortage of Venefer? (That's the iron infusion they give me.) 

In order to get the amount of iron I needed, I was at the hospital every day for two and a half weeks. By law, they had to give smaller amount, but they could do it daily to meet the quantity I needed. It seemed ridiculous, but I didn't have a choice. And in addition, on two of my visits, I also had to get blood transfusions. That was intimidating to me. And it's rather uncomfortable, though I wouldn't say it's painful. It took a few hours each time but again, laptop and/or sleep. Juice box, cookies, blanket.... I can't say enough nice things about nurses. 

There were odd and minor side effects. Scar tissue in my veins from being poked so much, an ear infection, inflamed joints, a weird thing called PICA (all I want to eat is ice cubes - it's so weird), a small hemorrhage on the back of my left eye.... I only laugh now. Because it's all so insane and if you don't laugh, you'll do the other thing....

And I still didn't understand how sick I was until I finally started to feel better. These last couple weeks, I am more myself than I have been in MONTHS. And now, sort of stepping outside myself and looking back, I see how ill I was and how wrong I was to not take it even more seriously and demand time off to get better, etc. So much I would have done differently. But then, who knew? Who would guess? I'd never even though about HEMOGLOBIN before. I work in a fast-paced industry. People who do what I do make sacrifices all of the time without a thought. We go-go-go. And that is my nature. I do not sit still well. 

All that is to say I do feel better now. MUCH better. I've had lab work that agrees, too. I can't say I love climbing a flight of stairs (my joints are a little weak and I have some circulation issues still), but I can take walks now, and I can get through a day without napping (not always, but most of the time). I do try to take it easy and not stay out late at night. I've mostly given up alcohol for the time being (I'm still taking a ton of medication so that seemed smart) and go to bed a little earlier than I used to. But it's night and day difference. In fact, I hardly even remember January. I think of that time as living in a coma. Seriously, I saw movies I don't even remember seeing. It's a little nutty. Things come back to me like I am a recovering Amnesiac. 

THE GOOD NEWS: My surgery is back on and I am really excited for it. Weird, right? I am excited because it's the final step. I can say adios to Suge and his crew of nasty thugs and then, LET THE HEALING BEGIN! 

WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS?

I don't always share deeply personal life news, but when I do, it's for a reason.

First, because the last time I had a complicated illness, I wrote about it and a dozen people reached out to thank me for sharing the story. It helped people, gave some people encouragement, and that made me feel like I was doing some good in this world. So perhaps I'm helping someone suffering right now. Second, I ended up joining an Anemia support group on Facebook and everyone is so open and honest about their struggles. It's been inspiring. And it empowered me to share more. Third, well, like I said, I was in and out of "comas" for a while and some people were probably worried about me. Now they know what was wrong. And lastly, to be totally honest, I needed to walk through this in writing as therapy. I'll need to look back on this someday and reflect on it. 

If you want to learn more about Anemia, click here. 

If you want/need to join the Facebook Anemia support group I mentioned - and I highly recommend it - click here.

If you are suffering from this, anything like this, or even something else entirely, I beg you to first, see a good doctor (a good place to remind you I AM NOT ONE), and to please have HOPE. At one point, I remember breaking down and telling my mother I had none left and that was the worst I've felt throughout this whole experience. It might even be the one of the worst moments of my life. I'm not exaggerating. Hope is a powerful thing and I believe in the power of hope. It is, in fact, my favorite word in the English language. Never lose it. 

I Put a Bathing Suit On

I'm gonna ask you all to indulge me in some vanity, guys. 

To celebrate America's independence this year, I decided I would wear a bathing suit. In public. Well, among friends in public. I've dropped some weight and I asked myself, what was the point of working this hard if I didn't get to do things I wouldn't allow myself to do before? 

And what's more, I'm gonna post a picture! 

The headband's amazing, right? I got it for like $3 at H&M in June just to break out for this party. 

Irrelevant fun fact: The temporary flash tat peeking out on my left arm took ten days to come off. Let that be a warning to you all. Also, NEVER put those things where you have body hair.... OUCH. But I digress.

I'm gonna be honest with you here, I'm pretty pleased with how I look in that photo.

I have to say that out loud because I've lost a substantial amount of weight but I really struggle to literally see it when I look in the mirror. In the mirror, I just see.... ME. I see how I picture myself in my mind. When I do recognize it, it's in a photo or in a side-by-side/before-and-after image kind of thing. 

Anyway, it took several online purchases and a couple trips to the mall, but I eventually found something I didn't feel like a whale in. For what it's worth, what I ended up with came from Lane Bryant's swim separates -- it's a tankini top and a skirted short bottom. The key was having the built-in bra, even though it was a huge pain to put on a take off, especially once I was wet, and also having an oversized cover-up on (a kimono jacket I got from Nordstrom a couple years ago) to hang out in. 

I was empowered by this step. I could not have predicted the effect it would have on me. I was not prepared for how comfortable I'd feel in my own skin. Which is weird for being in a small piece of clothing that I hadn't donned in several years, right? But it was liberating. 

So I guess really, in honor of America's independence, in a way, I was also celebrating my own. 

When I Was Also Humiliated by United

In case you haven't heard, United Airlines has been having a pretty tough quarter. 

I wish I could tell you I was surprised to hear it. I was horrified, mind you, but not surprised. I have flown United fairly often because, well, when you travel for business you don't always get to customize your itinerary. 

You see, there was this one time I flew on United and standing at the front of the line to board at the gate, I overheard flight attendants making fun of a passenger who'd approached them earlier with a question. It was repugnant behavior. Another time, in one of their lounges, a front desk receptionist told me in a astonishingly rude tone that my problem wasn't her problem (I couldn't get on the WiFi). I can't forget the time my flight with United was delayed hours and hours and we were given no information -- not even when people at the gate started to get shouty and threatening. United staff just walked away and left us there. When we finally boarded, no apology was given, nothing was explained. 

And now let me also tell you about one of the most humiliating moments of my entire life. 

I'm very tall and, frankly, wide (I mean, hence the blog name), so when it's available to me, I'll spend the $20 or $60 to upgrade to more leg room. One such time, this put me in an exit row. 

Now, I travel with my own seat-belt extender. I do this for two reasons. First, airplane seats suck, and even though I fit between the armrests just fine, the seat-belts also suck. Second, when you ask a flight attendant for a seat-belt extender, they tend to wrap it up and slip it to you covertly, like it's this thing you need to be ashamed of and it just always left me with this residual stench of embarrassment I did not care for. So when I found out Amazon sold seat-belt extenders, it was a no-brainer. 

You know how right before take-off, the flight attendants walk up and down the aisle to make sure your seat is upright and everyone's properly fastened in? 

Here's how it went....

Flight Attendant: Excuse me, ma'am?

I looked up at her. Why was she shouting at me?

Flight Attendant: Ma'am, I'm afraid disabled people cannot sit in the exit row. 

Me: I'm sorry...?

Flight Attendant: You have a seat-belt extender and so you cannot sit in the exit row. 

Me: But I'm not disabled. 

Flight Attendant: That's policy, ma'am. We'll have to find you a new seat. 

Me: But I paid extra to sit in this seat. 

Flight Attendant: When you land, you can take that up with somebody or call the airline but I need to move you. 

There may have been a little more banter after that but I don't recall specifics. I was red in the face. I was mortified. The entire plane was tuned into our conversation. I held back tears as I unbuckled myself, gathered my things, stepped over the two passengers in my row, and followed the snotty flight attendant to a seat in the last row of the plane, on the aisle. 

I was so devastated, I didn't even have time to care that I had paid for an upgrade and instead smelled the bathroom for the six hour flight home. I took a xanax and tried to sleep through as much of the flight as possible. Sometimes I woke up and teared up a little. I refused beverages and snacks because I wanted precisely nothing from this airline except to get home. 

I was not given a refund for my upgrade, by the way. I emailed their customer care account (I just checked my gmail, I've emailed them a few times over the last few years) and never heard back. And honestly, I didn't even care that much because I mostly just wanted to forget that whole flight had ever happened. It's really hard to recover from feeling that humiliated. She had called me "disabled" and it was just so public and nasty - I still just do not understand why her tone was so condescending and cruel. 

Much later, unable to stop thinking about it, I did finally do some research. Apparently, the reason someone using a seat-belt extender cannot sit in the exit row is because it physically makes your seat-belt strap longer so when you take it off, it hangs lower off the seat, and there is a concern people exiting will trip over it. 

Fair enough, I suppose, but really, if people are scrambling to get off a crashing plane, there's gonna be a lot of tripping and shoving and panic.... But again, fair enough. And needless to say, it has nothing to do with anyone being disabled. 

Recently, I've lost some weight and last month, I flew Southwest to Las Vegas. Their staff is always incredible, for the record. And for the first time in more than 10 years, I did not need a seat-belt extender. I burst into tears. Also, I was sitting in the mother-effing exit row. It was an amazing feeling and I couldn't help but think "I'm not disabled anymore, United. Fuck you." 

17 in 2017

I was really fond of my 2016 mantra, "Alright, alright, alright," and plan to keep that in the back of my mind moving forward because that Matthew McConaughey was really onto something when he came up with that. 

Also, in 2017, you'll find me living in "The Year of 'NO'." More on that later.  

I set quite a precedent in 2016, completing every task on my "16 in 2016" list. So even though I'm saying "NO" more, I'm ambitiously after some new ideas and goals, and trying to be consistent with some oldies-but-goodies.

1. Go to The Getty and/or The Broad 

2. Get into the habit of meal planning my weeks. 

3. Visit Whimsic Alley.

4. Send cards and post cards for no reason. 2-3/month at least.

5. Movies I always wanted to see but never got around to: Some Like it Hot, It Happened One Night, Indiscreet

6. Spend a day in high heels. 

7. Volunteer with animals or people in need. 

8. Ice Skate next Winter.

9. Visit friends and family in Northern California.

10. Clean out my closet.

11. Exercise more. Much, much more.

12. Buy/wear tall boots. (Translation: this means I have to shed weight and inches of my calves!) 

13. Wear less black. (This is the longest shot on the list but I included it for a couple friends who requested it and will do what I can.)

 14. Take a vacation - preferably across the country, definitely to a city I've never been to. 

15. Have friends over for a homemade brunch. 

16. Raise money for a charity. (I have a new website launching for this!) 

17. Restaurants I want to try: Post & Beam, Spear Steak & Seafood, Sunny Spot, Gwen, 71 Above and Wolf.

* * *

Completed items are highlighted in yellow.

 Past years: 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012

 

Strange Habits And Other Things

The other morning, waiting in the world's most crowded Starbucks, I was distracted by a woman who was displaying some rather unusual habits. There was nothing apparently unusual about her otherwise but she caught my attention when I realized she was picking up her coffee cup wearing a small plastic bag as a glove. 

She kept going that way, handling her sweetener and grabbing the door handle through her makeshift glove. I'm not germaphobic, per se, but I do like to avoid touching certain questionable things. I wondered if that was something she did often or if there was something about this Starbucks making her uneasy? It stands to reason that if this was a routine practice for her she might have considered buying something like an actual glove rather than using a small bag.

It also struck me that had a rather panicked look on her face and I found myself feeling sorry for her. Panic is an awful feeling and it occurred to me if that if ordering a coffee was an intimidating experience for her, she must lead a rather stressful life and for a moment, I felt really sorry for her. 

A TOTAL LACK OF BLOGGING

My job has been rather over-demanding lately. I spend all days and many nights working and consequently, less time on my laptop for personal projects. I am not complaining, mind you -- I love my job -- but the last thing I've wanted to do lately is blog. I much prefer couch time and napping while I watch TV. I think a lot, believe it or not; I just sit, stare at the TV and think. I've been very fixated on being close to 40 lately, and it's a thought keeping me up at night sometimes. 

I'm actually not the type of person who dwells on things out off her control and certainly turning 40 is something I can't control. Mind you, it's still three years away and I'm still focused on it. 

Anyway, I'm trying to blog more, I swear! This is the start. 

ALL OF THE MOVIES

I've seen almost every movie nominated for an Academy Award at this point, as I try to do every year. I'm still really obsessed with how amazing Mad Max was/is (it's playing on my TV right now, in fact). I loved Brooklyn. I really liked The Revenant and think Leo will finally get his Oscar this year. I didn't really care for Carol, actually and I didn't like Steve Jobs.

Other movies I enjoyed: Inside Out (SO MUCH), Star Wars The Force Awakens (of coure), Ex Machina, Straight Outta Compton, The Martian, Spotlight, Joy (which surprised me because I'm like one of five people who didn't like Silver Linings Playbook), Trumbo, The Danish Girl

The last one I need to see is Bridge of Spies but every time I start it I immediately get bored. 

Announcing My 2016 Mantra And "16 in 2016"

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY! 

I've made a habit, in recent years, of declaring mantras for the months ahead. I've done really well with this, in fact. 

Out of 2013, 2014 was "The Year of Positive Change." That year I left a job that made me deeply unhappy, bought a new car  and moved into my own apartment. 

2015, last year, I reminded myself that "January always comes after December." That tomorrow is a new day. And so when I was recovering from being very ill and then got laid off from my job, it felt very important to remember that. 

Looking back over these years of change, actually dating back even further than 2014, I realized I feel a deep longing for some stability and calmness. Not to say that I want the year to be without activity, it's just that I want the year to bring satisfaction and contentedness. I want to put that out into the universe. So when I considered a mantra to brand 2016, I looked to world renown prophet, Matthew McConaughey.... 

Yep. That's all there is to it. "Alright, alright, alright!" 

And as per my usual tradition, here are 16 goals I shall set out to accomplish in 2016:

1. Cook/Attempt to cook one or two recipes I've pinned to Pinterest. 

2. Raise money for charity.

3. Restaurants I'm dying to try: Terrine, Eveleigh, The Church Key, Hungry Cat, Maple Block Meat Co., Hatchet Hall

4. Write more. Blog less. (Take that as you will.) 

5. Redecorate my bedroom.

6. Have friends over more often. 

7. Visit the recently renovated Peterson Automotive Museum

8. Party with friends at Drag Queen Bingo.

9. Tis the year of many Marvel movies! Must-sees: X-Men Apocalypse, Captain America Civil War (Comes out my birthday weekend. Guess what I'm doing to celebrate 37?!), Gambit, Deadpool, Dr. Strange, and Sinister Six (maybe). 

10. Bring my lunch to work more often.

11. Read more. Boy did I suck at reading in 2015.  

12. Vacation with friends. 

13. Add more photos of friends and family to my home.

14. Go on a date. (Yeah, I'm only committing to one and even that was painful to type.) 

15. Say "NO" more often. Without apologizing for it.

16. Day trip to Universal Studios (HARRY POTTER IS COMING!)

Further inspiration from Buzzfeed.

Past years:

2015, 2014, 2013, 2012

Completed items are highlighted in yellow.

A Scene at CVS

It is true I have a profound and long-running love/hate relationship with CVS. As such, I knew I had to call to ensure my prescription was ready and waiting for me. It is not wise to make assumptions with their brain trust.

Me: Hello, you texted me that my prescription was ready and I just want to make sure that's correct. 

Pharmacist: Ok, may I please have your full name and date of birth?

I give her this information. She puts me on hold but only briefly.

Pharmacist: Yes, it's here. 

Me: Great! Thanks. I'll be in today to pick it up. What did you say your name was?

She told me her name. Let's just call her Phoebe the Pharmacist. I'm not going to be her fan club President anytime soon but I wouldn't ever use someone's real name in a post like this. :) 

A couple hours later in the store, I get to the front of the line. 

Me: Hi, picking up for Feuerman?

Pharmacist: Ok, hold on.... 

Me: Oh! Are you Phoebe?

Pharmacist: Yes.

Me: Oh great! We spoke on the phone.

Phoebe has zero reaction to this. She pushes several keys on the computer and then looks through some prescriptions on a shelf. She returns...

Phoebe: I'm sorry, we don't have anything for you.

Me: But we spoke on the phone about two hours ago and you said it was ready.

Phoebe: I did?

Me: Yes.

Phoebe: Oh. Well, we don't have anything for you. 

Me: Ok. Can you fill the prescription right now? 

Phoebe: We reshelved it because you hadn't picked it up yet.

Me: I understand that and that's also why I called you this morning to say I was coming in soon to get it.

Phoebe: Would you like me to just fill it right now?

At this point I look around. First, to make sure there aren't any hidden cameras and second, to see if anyone is witnessing this.

Me: Yes, that would be great. How long will it take?

Phoebe: Ten minutes. 

I go sit down. Less than ten minutes goes by and I SWEAR TO YOU, I get a text message FROM CVS that my prescription is ready. I very nearly called them to verify it, just to be a dick. 

The Phoebe called out "Prescription for Feuerman?"

Me: Right here! Thank you. 

Phoebe: That is $15. Thank you for waiting. 

Me: Ok.  How long do you guys usually hold prescriptions for once you've texted the customer? Just so I know for next time?

Phoebe: Usually 14 days but it's also helpful if you call us ahead of time and tell us you're coming. So we can make sure it's here. 

Me: Thanks for that great advice. 

I left feeling as if I'd just lost a boxing match. 

See also: I'm Ranty About CVS Receipts

Living Alone: Year One

And suddenly it occurred to me I've been living on my own for more than a year now. 

Where did that time go? I'm still not even done furnishing and decorating my "new" apartment! 

I think about the stress of finding a place and moving and all the things I was afraid of and that all seems so distant now, even though this year has flown by.

I was afraid I'd be lonely but in truth, I LOVE COMING HOME. I love being home. I am always so happy to be here. This is all mine. The only person who interferes with my peace here is my sometimes noisy neighbor but really, it's ultimately a small price to pay. 

Also, I feel a tinge of regret. Why didn't I get my own place sooner? What was I waiting for? This has been a great next-chapter and what a shame it didn't start until I was 35. 

I'm about to decorate for my second Halloween here and I am especially excited to later decorate for my second holiday season.  I'm excited to put up the remaining artwork and get some last odds and ends and finish everything so that the place is done. 

Happy anniversary to me! Year one living on my own has been marvelous!