CONFESSIONS OF A FAT GIRL

When I Was Also Humiliated by United

In case you haven't heard, United Airlines has been having a pretty tough quarter. 

I wish I could tell you I was surprised to hear it. I was horrified, mind you, but not surprised. I have flown United fairly often because, well, when you travel for business you don't always get to customize your itinerary. 

You see, there was this one time I flew on United and standing at the front of the line to board at the gate, I overheard flight attendants making fun of a passenger who'd approached them earlier with a question. It was repugnant behavior. Another time, in one of their lounges, a front desk receptionist told me in a astonishingly rude tone that my problem wasn't her problem (I couldn't get on the WiFi). I can't forget the time my flight with United was delayed hours and hours and we were given no information -- not even when people at the gate started to get shouty and threatening. United staff just walked away and left us there. When we finally boarded, no apology was given, nothing was explained. 

And now let me also tell you about one of the most humiliating moments of my entire life. 

I'm very tall and, frankly, wide (I mean, hence the blog name), so when it's available to me, I'll spend the $20 or $60 to upgrade to more leg room. One such time, this put me in an exit row. 

Now, I travel with my own seat-belt extender. I do this for two reasons. First, airplane seats suck, and even though I fit between the armrests just fine, the seat-belts also suck. Second, when you ask a flight attendant for a seat-belt extender, they tend to wrap it up and slip it to you covertly, like it's this thing you need to be ashamed of and it just always left me with this residual stench of embarrassment I did not care for. So when I found out Amazon sold seat-belt extenders, it was a no-brainer. 

You know how right before take-off, the flight attendants walk up and down the aisle to make sure your seat is upright and everyone's properly fastened in? 

Here's how it went....

Flight Attendant: Excuse me, ma'am?

I looked up at her. Why was she shouting at me?

Flight Attendant: Ma'am, I'm afraid disabled people cannot sit in the exit row. 

Me: I'm sorry...?

Flight Attendant: You have a seat-belt extender and so you cannot sit in the exit row. 

Me: But I'm not disabled. 

Flight Attendant: That's policy, ma'am. We'll have to find you a new seat. 

Me: But I paid extra to sit in this seat. 

Flight Attendant: When you land, you can take that up with somebody or call the airline but I need to move you. 

There may have been a little more banter after that but I don't recall specifics. I was red in the face. I was mortified. The entire plane was tuned into our conversation. I held back tears as I unbuckled myself, gathered my things, stepped over the two passengers in my row, and followed the snotty flight attendant to a seat in the last row of the plane, on the aisle. 

I was so devastated, I didn't even have time to care that I had paid for an upgrade and instead smelled the bathroom for the six hour flight home. I took a xanax and tried to sleep through as much of the flight as possible. Sometimes I woke up and teared up a little. I refused beverages and snacks because I wanted precisely nothing from this airline except to get home. 

I was not given a refund for my upgrade, by the way. I emailed their customer care account (I just checked my gmail, I've emailed them a few times over the last few years) and never heard back. And honestly, I didn't even care that much because I mostly just wanted to forget that whole flight had ever happened. It's really hard to recover from feeling that humiliated. She had called me "disabled" and it was just so public and nasty - I still just do not understand why her tone was so condescending and cruel. 

Much later, unable to stop thinking about it, I did finally do some research. Apparently, the reason someone using a seat-belt extender cannot sit in the exit row is because it physically makes your seat-belt strap longer so when you take it off, it hangs lower off the seat, and there is a concern people exiting will trip over it. 

Fair enough, I suppose, but really, if people are scrambling to get off a crashing plane, there's gonna be a lot of tripping and shoving and panic.... But again, fair enough. And needless to say, it has nothing to do with anyone being disabled. 

Recently, I've lost some weight and last month, I flew Southwest to Las Vegas. Their staff is always incredible, for the record. And for the first time in more than 10 years, I did not need a seat-belt extender. I burst into tears. Also, I was sitting in the mother-effing exit row. It was an amazing feeling and I couldn't help but think "I'm not disabled anymore, United. Fuck you." 

That Time I Threw Away My Makeup

It was time to do something drastic about my skin. Toward the end of last year, I started to notice flakiness on my cheeks and forehead. It was alarming. I must confess I've not always been super diligent about skincare. I learned the value of it a little later than most. But I've improved in the last few years and implemented good washing habits, moisturizing and even added toner into the mix (though I'm still not convinced it does anything).

Anyway, when someone made an off-handed comment to me about my skin (nice, right?) I flipped out and decided the exact right thing to do was throw out everything I was using on my skin and start over. Into the nearest Sephora went I to ask the nicest salesperson ever if she could fix me. 

I sampled a ton of products with her and found some new items I'm now having a colossal love affair with. My skin is noticeable different and I'm so thrilled with the improvement. So I wanted to share some of my new favorite must-have products:

Sephora brand express cleansing and exfoliating wipes

Everyone should have some great wipes in their top drawer. These are genius because they feature two sides, one for easy makeup removal and one for exfoliation. So after I wash my face, when I feel like I need a little more cleaning up (I don't use these every night), the exfoliating side eliminates impurities and dead cells leaving skin soft and radiant. The smooth side cleanses gently and efficiently to remove all types of makeup for fresh and crystal-clear skin, without tightness. 

The BeautyBlender sponge

Accept no imitations. Why does one need a $20 makeup sponge? I know, I was skeptical, too. But it's miraculous, I tell you. The sponge features an open cell structure that fills with small amounts of water when wet (you wet it when you use it). This allows the sponge to be “full” so that the makeup product sits on top of the sponge rather than being absorbed, allowing you to use less product every time. So my foundation lasts longer and goes on smoother. I dare say that my skin glows. I'm obsessed with it.  

Two Faced's Born This Way Foundation

This foundation is oil-free (a requirement for me) that offers medium-to-full coverage. I know a lot of people like to look like they're not wearing make up. I am not really one of those people. I don't care if anyone knows I'm wearing it but I will say, with this foundation, it really does go on beautifully with my new spnge applicator and looks as close to natural as I've ever gotten. It's also vegan if that's your thing. Fun fact?  The product was inspired by the opening scene in Bridesmaids when Kristen Wiig wakes up, rushes to the bathroom to put on makeup, and sneaks back into bed to imply she "woke up like this."

Fresh Rose Deep Hydration Face Cream

I wanted my moisturizer, toner and face mask to all match for some reason -- they should all work in harmony, right? It's a time-release hydration cream that is so light and creamy. I apply it every morning after I dry off from my shower and put a little on every night before bed.  

Fresh Rose Floral Toner

Okay, again, still not convinced one needs a toner but I'm now operating under the "if it ain't broke" rule and once I got talked into buying it and using it, I became attached. I do a little spritz after I've washed my face, before I go to bed and in the morning, after I put all my makeup on. It's refreshing either way and feels more like an indulgence than necessity. Whatever. I like it, it's working, I'm keeping it.  

Fresh Black Tea Instant Perfecting Mask

I started using this twice a week. First of all, it smells delicious. It doesn't get hard and gross on my face and it's super easy to wash off. It is an advanced hydrating treatment with antioxidants that immediately makes my skin feel softer, firmer and look healthier. It's a really lovely pre-bedtime ritual that I find relaxing, too.

 

P.S. And I love to take photos now.

This post contains affiliate links. That means if you click on one of the links here and then buy something, I make a couple pennies. That doesn't mean my opinions and choices are biased, though, so, ya know, thanks! 

Fat & Fit? Five Questions With Louise Green

I was really hooked into this pitch:

Louise Green, a globally recognized fit and fat athlete at the forefront of a body advocacy movement, proves that you can be healthy, fit and plus size. Despite society’s misconceptions, she demonstrates that positive body images come in all shapes and sizes, and there are no limits to pursuing athletic dreams.

It goes on. About battling cultural stereotypes, empowering women of all shapes and sizes to be healthy, fit and just generally never give up on themselves or their dreams. Louise Green is living proof of all of it; certified in personal training and group fitness through ACE and the Health and Fitness Alliance in Vancouver, BC, she regularly trains and competes in half marathons and races, and is plus-sized herself. 

She also founded Body Exchange, a groundbreaking exercise boot camp to help other plus-size women pursue health and fitness. In addition, Louise is also an active blogger, health and wellness retreat specialist and highly sought-after speaker and author. Her new book, Limitless, about navigating the fitness industry and being plus size while challenging public perception, debuts next year. She uses her wide-reaching voice as an advocate for the Body Love Movement, which fosters authenticity, inclusion of all bodies, self-worthiness, positive body image and more.

Her entire campaign really resonates with me. While I can't claim to 100% love myself at this size, I've certainly come to accept it and work with it a little better than I used to. I've stopped feeling sorry for myself. It serves no purpose. And my health is not amazing and perfect, but truth be told, as of a physical I had a few weeks ago, I have a pretty clean bill, which often surprises people who pass judgement based on my appearance alone. 

I was really excited to interview Louise -- I could not wait to hear what she had to say! 

1. As a long-time blogger, I am always curious to hear other blogger original stories. What inspired you to get online and share?
After opening my business in 2008 and training many plus size women, I realized that there wasn't a lot of information dedicated to the plus size woman online. Through my interactions I realized that, just like me, they were eager to have information that they could specifically relate to. Getting online only made sense and I realized I could potentially reach millions of women who are interested in fearless fitness at any size and positive body image, so I started to write!

2. Were you at all nervous about branding yourself in a very public forum as a plus sized person? Have you had to overcome any prejudices as a result?
To be honest, in the beginning I was. I kept myself quite small and felt really shy about being a personal trainer in my plus size body. But I think the universe had a different plan because the media kept wanting to cover my business concept and I realized that my role, whether I wanted it or not, I was going to be in the spotlight. Over time, I stepped into that role proudly as a representative and advocate. I am now happy to spread the message that your athletic dreams are not dependent on your size and all bodies deserve and epic life.

3. What do you say to people who flat out declare fat people can't be healthy?
I don't spend too much time trying to convince people whose opinions are often fueled by oppression and hate because frankly I don't think anything will change their minds. However, if I am having an open conversation with someone who sincerely wants to know, I talk about how health has many indicators and the outward appearance is not the way to measure someone's health. What about: cardiovascular health, metabolic health such as blood pressure, cholesterol or blood sugar levels or bone density, muscular endurance, etc.?

Not only that, but health and fitness have different meanings to different people based on age and culture, etc. so who are we to decide for someone what their health should look like and really why is it any of our business? It's very dangerous to assume one's health by appearance alone, but unfortunately our society has been conditioned to do so via media headlines. That will take time to turn around.

4. I'm sure your movement is an inspiration to many - as it is to me. Who inspires you? Who are your heroes and why?
I have many heroes including women who have gone through significant diversity and challenge to become successful entrepreneurs like Oprah Winfrey, Hillary Clinton, Arianna Huffington; it's not easy to get to the top as a woman and I admire their tenacity to reach mogul status.

I also find huge inspiration in my clients who drink my kool-aid every week, and by that I mean follow my movement of limitless living, at any size. They trust me and completely amaze me!

5. Clearly you are a great athlete and lover of fitness. But when you want to be still and relax, what do you do?
I have a hard time relaxing; my body wants to move and my mind is full of ideas that make my job seem like fun times all the time without ever feeling like work at all. BUT, I live in Vancouver and it rains a lot here so my favorite thing is 'camping night' in the living room in front of the fire with my 6 year old son, Eli. We drag out our camping beds and watch Despicable Me over and over. It's the BEST!

* * *

So what do you think? Can you be fat and fit? Have you ever done something contrary to what people believe of you?

If you have an extra moment, read the bio. on Louise's site -- it was written by one of my favorite blogger, Jes, AKA, The Militant Baker. It is beautiful. Like Louise is herself. Thank you so much to her for granting me this opportunity. 

Very Rude Awakenings

I abhor having my picture taken. Occasionally, I take a good photo. You'll notice my profile photo, always visible in the upper left corner, is typically a lovely photo taken from a flattering angle and often, photoshopped to bits. But basically, I look like crap in pictures. Which is to say, basically, that I look like crap in reality. The problem is, I don't like how I look and seeing it in a photo makes is harder for me to live in a comfortable denial of that.

Enter my wonderful volunteer experience. I've been serving as an advisor to a teen group and a couple weekends ago, I accompanied 154 of them (don't worry- there were other adults to help) on a weekend retreat. And let me assure you, there is nothing like 75, annoyingly skinny teenaged girls to REALLY drive home how out of shape and fat you are. Ugh.

And after the weekend, pictures started going up. I have to admit, I was very dodgey all weekend, trying to make sure I stayed away from being in any photos at all. And I almost had a 100% success rate until a girl from the northwestern valley chapter posted a photo on Facebook and tagged me in it. A photo of me from behind. In a crowd of teenagers. I looked like an amazon. Worse, I looked like my cousin in New York-- the one with the huge ass I always make fun of.

There was the photo. For me and anyone linked to me on Facebook to see. How humiliating. How undeniable. How HUGE IS MY ASS? Omigod.

Want a good, proverbial kick in the ASS to get you motivated? Have someone photograph your own behind for you and post it to the internet.

Another photo I saw a week later was of me in short-sleeves. I try to avoid short sleeves as a general rule but since Los Angeles is having a fucking SUMMER in NOVEMBER, I've been careless about my sleeve length.

So what is the moral of this tale? I must avoid short sleeves and being photographed from behind.

(What - you were expecting something more profound?)

YIKES

17 plastic surgeries! YIKES!

I am addicted to these documentaries they air each Sunday on BBC America. Last week was about anorexic teenaged boys. Tonight's is "Plastic Surgery Junkies" for which, of course, they flew to Los Angeles rather than shooting in the UK.

One of the surgeons suggests that he can cure in a procedure what it takes someone's shrink years to fix. And I gotta admit, there's a certain appeal in that idea but really, if plastic surgery cures what ails you, I am inclined to think you are dealing with bigger issues, right? Does that make sense?

And we meet Steve, who is nearly 50, and looks completely NOT human because he's had 17 plastic sugeries. Pec implants, brow lifts, face lifts, lip injections, calf implants, chin implant, and so on. I mean, that's insanity, right? How does this guy look in the mirror each day and think he looks okay? (I wish I could find an image for you but you're just gonna have to take my word for it.)

I am curious what my regular commenters think about gastirc bypass or lap band surgery? I'll admit there was a time where I began the process, filled out the paperwork, met with a counselor as required and so on and so forth, but only could not go through with it because my insurance wouldn't cover it. And I think if they suddenly did, I would go back and start over to do it again. Not because of my appearance, though that is a clear perk, but because I FEEL like crap. Because there are times and there are days where I can really FEEL my health is shit, KNOW that I'm at risk for certain problems and it does, ultimately, freak me out.

Oh to climb a couple flights of stairs withOUT being out of breath.

But one thing I must tell you - pectoral implants on men? Call 'em what you want, boys - ya look like ya got boobies there. Them's the brakes.

Clearly I am a Cow

Ok, now I'm no nutritional or physical expert but if Karolina Kurkova is being called "fat," then I am life-threateningly-obese, right? I mean, who ARE these idiots?

And is she in better shape in old photos then she is now? Sure. Would I still kill a hobo to look like her in ANY year? Yes.

The author of the article claims, in conclusion, that for as much as she earns, it should not be such a sturggle to stay toned. That this is her job. And frankly, I see his point and actually agree. However more than that, I think that when we, as society or as the media start lambasting MODELS for being FAT, we are sending out a bad message. To the model who, let's face it, probably has or had an eating disorder; to the industry; and to people who look up to these girls.

My point is, I think, is that there has to be a better way.

Read on and weigh in....

Is Victoria's Secret model Karolina Kurkova fat? You decide!

Fashion critics have blasted model Karolina Kurkova for looking too fat in a bikini.

Seriously.

The Czech model wore a bikini in a recent Cia Maritima runway show and revealed what the horrified style snobs called "back fat, love handles and cellulite."

Karolina Kurkova, 24, is one of the highest-earning models in the world, according to Forbes, and is best known for being a Victoria's Secret Angel and whose super-fit physique has graced the pages of international fashion mags.

But after the show during Sao Paulo's Fashion Week, a Brazilian paper noted that the leggy 5-foot-11 Kurkova "shocked" the audience when she appeared looking uncharacteristically chubby with "cellulite on her butt."

Boy, these fashion critics are harsh!

That said, let's compare how Karolina looked in this year's show to how she looked modeling a bikini in the 2006 Cia Maritima show. Then you decide if the critics are crazy. Or just reallyreallyreally picky.

                                     

To our eyes, it does appear that Karolina is a bit more toned and trim in the runway shots taken in 2006. But is she fat now? Not a chance. Curvy? Absolutely!

Still, don't feel too sorry for the poor maligned beauty. According to Forbes, the supermodel earns $5 million a year with this bod.

Call me crazy, but if your figure's earning those kind of figures, how hard is it to stay fighting fit? Isn't that your job?

source: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/thedishrag/2008/06/is-victorias-se.html

No, really.

And now, a confession.

I sweat. No, seriously -- when I sleep, I sweat horribly. I don't know what's going on but I just gross myself out lately. I wake up in literal POOLS of sweat. The best solution I've come up with so far is sleeping with my A/C on, keeping my room at 60 degrees. Doesn't matter if it's hot or cold outside - I still sweat.

My doctor has suggested I might have Hyperhidrosis but there is no cure for this so what does it matter? And there is no way to tell if I actually have some sweating disease or if I am just fat and sweating as a result. I mean, let's face it - I get warm easier. That just comes with the package.

This is all sort of an embarassing admittance but I'm not sleeping with any of you (not yet, anyway- wink, wink) and what the hell - I've managed not to hold back too much up til now.

Only time will tell on this. And God help me, my sleeping habits and my electric bill til then.

All Woman

First of all, I do apologize for my absence. I would love to tell you some insanely gripping story about why I couldn't blog but it really all boils down to my being lazy, unmotivated and unoriginal.

Last night, I was trying on a bridesmaids dress I am set to wear in June and I have to tell you, I felt ridiculous. I wear dresses about as often as it snows in Los Angeles and there I was, in something satin and shiny, cleavage showing, arms exposed... My goodness, you could see LEG. Part of me wanted to laugh, part of me wanted to cry and part of me wanted to put on the nearest pair of jeans in the worst way.

I find that one of the things I struggle with most at this weight and size is my feminimity. I've always leaned a little more toward tomboy than girly-girl but all the same, I am still a woman, first and foremost. I still have my needs and wants, my curves, an unreasonable obsession with shoes and accessories... I do wear makeup...  But my size, I feel, makes me so unfeminine. So much so that I wonder if my constant loneliness is more about that than about an actual desire to be with someone. maybe I just want to be with someone to prove I am fully woman.

I am not graceful. In high heels, I am heavy-footed and awkward. In a dress, I am lumpy and frumpy. At night, I am sweating in my sleep and waking up hungry from the workout. I would rather watch a baseball game than Gossip Girl and I would rather grab a burger and fries than drink wine and sample cheeses (which is not to say I have not ocassionally enjoyed the latter)... These are things about me that I take pride in sometimes but sometimes, loathe.

I wonder why I couldn't have been born one of those wonderfully, genetically skinny people? Why couldn't I LOVE to exercise and cook my own healthy meals? Why aren't I one of those people with great health and good fortune and shiny hair?

But anyway, to quote someone or another that was probably famous: "All I can do is the best I can." So I console myself with the belief that I am doing the best I can, the best I know how for right now. Which I guess isn't so bad but also, in a way, I dare to imagine I could be doing better and am missing out on how to reach that something better...

Eh. Now I'm just rambling.

I'm exhausted, though. Still. I do know that much. I am really looking forward to my long weekend. A little sleeping in, a BBQ, some Law & Order reruns... Heaven, I say.